The Royal Court of Harribel
by Aceidia
Summary: With the Espada Auditions cancelled until further notice and Hueco Mundo once again in isolation from the other worlds; Tia Harribel and her Royal Court face many new problems. From dirty dishes, incessant singing, power outages and the horrid idea that Yylfordt Granz is having the time of his life in Soul Society.
1. Rations Suck!

_The Royal Court of Harribel is the continuation of Espadas Undercover and The New Order of Espada. So if you want you can go start at the beginning. Enjoy!_

_**Cover image thanks to Blackstorm on Deviant Art who gave me Permission to use their wonderful picture of Tier/Tia Harribel**_

* * *

"What is this?" Nnoitra stared down at the small tea cup size plate on the table in front of him that had a piece of Hollow meat smaller than the size of his hand sitting on it.

"Food." Tia replied, placing another plate with the same amount of food at Aaroniero and Szayel's places. Only to get glares back from the two of them. "Ration sized. Don't like it, don't eat it. But you are going to get the same amount at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Thanks to the Soul Society Spies that have forced me to isolate Heuco Mundo from the other worlds once again."

"Aw…" Nnoitra sighed sadly. "Damn it….thanks anyway….at least you aren't going to make us starve."

Tia smiled. "That's the spirit! Now, everyone dig in."

"It's kinda hard to…" Grimmjow looked down at his food, "Dig in when there isn't really anything to….dig IN to."

"How long are we going to have rations?" Aaroniero had to ask as it had started the day after they got home from the human world on their mission to kill Yammy which was a good two weeks ago. Or what ever time it was. Heuco Mundo was still upset by the fact that the Soul Reaper, Yumichika was still inside and up until recently a whole group of Soul Society Spies. So, the time and dates between worlds were thrown off by a good week. "Because I don't like rations."

"For as long as needed." Tia replied, picking up her knife and fork to begin.

"Wait."

"Wait what?" Tia looked up at Ulquiorra who was sitting across the table from her while Grimmjow sat next to the right of her chair.

"Let us not use forks." The First Espada replied, "as I realize that we may have a limited water supply and do not need to waste it by cleaning dishes every meal."

"I don't think so," Tia was glad he thought of such things, "But I can make water out of the air to-"

"But what happens when we don't have anymore water in the air?" Ulquiorra wasn't going to let the only water in the desert world of Heuco Mundo be used without care.

"…True…What do you want us to do? Lick our plates? Don't answer that, Ulquiorra." Tia put down her knife and fork. "Gentlemen and lady." She addressed Orihime Inoune who was sitting next to Ulquiorra with a simple baked potato on her plate. "Let us not use silverware, save Orihime who may not want to try to- neatly!" Tia yelled as everyone did as they were told "Nicely and neatly! We don't want to have to use too much water to wipe off your faces after this meal! Now, are we clear on that?"

Grimmjow shared a grin with Szayel and Nnoitra who were about to eat like no one was watching. "Okay…does this…" Grimmjow plucked a small piece of meat off his plate and popped it in his mouth. "Better?"

Tia gave him a kind looked, "yes, my kids. Good job…. Let's not eat how the piggies eat, shall we?"

"Yes… miss…" A chorus of voices said, rather disappointed. They liked eating messy!

After breakfast, Tia sent Nnoitra outside for patrol duties while she set everyone else to a different task.

"Aaroniero, why don't you and Rudbornn get to cleaning." She suggested, only to get a scowl from Kaien Shiba's face. "Don't give me that, you have to contribute somehow…"

"Fine…" Aaroniero frowned before grabbing his Fraccion and marching out of the throne room, leaving Szayel, Grimmjow, Orihime and Ulquiorra awaiting orders.

"And…" Tia liked giving orders and she really liked the idea she had, if it would work. "I thought maybe, Szayel…You could start on a garden for some homegrown food for Orihime."

The Fourth Espada looked up at her like she was crazy.

"What?" Tia stared down at him. "What is with that look?"

"I…" Szayel wasn't sure how to tell her. "I don't know how to garden."

"What?" Tia knew he had to be bluffing. "But… you're gay…"

Lady Tia." Szayel wasn't sure what to do, so he opted for the best choice. "Lady Tia. Sit down in your throne."

"How dare you order-"

"I said, sit the hell down!" He repeated. "We need to have a long, long talk. Right now."

Tia scowled and sat down in her throne, ready to attack at any moment. "One false move and I will fry you into a pancake. Is that clear?"

"Fair enough." Szayel put his hands behind his back and stared up at his Queen who was sure to have lost more than a few brain cells beating people into a pulp on a daily basis. "First, I would like to state that I am quite offended that you think I know how to grow a garden and tend to flowers just because of the gender I find romantic interest in. That is a horrible stereotype that should crawl in a hole and die. Second, how dare you assume that a person who is sightly feminine knows how garden in the first place. Lady Tia, you consider yourself feminine and you don't know how to garden, am I correct? Point solved. And now I shall continue onto other subjects that I think we should all be educated on. I do not know anything about cooking and don't watch the house and garden channel or the interior decorating channel. I hate bow-ties. Would everyone please stop giving them to me?! I have made a nice bow-tie-noose (And not the pasta), for the next person to be so kind as to gift me one. Fifth: I will not go shopping with anyone because I hate clothes shopping and anyone who dares to ask me for advice will fine themselves with no need for clothes for I will burn all of them to ashes. Sixth. It may come to shock you, Grimmjow, but I spend most of my time in bed watching the television, not having sex. Wow… what a concept… You may continue now, Lady Tia."

"I…" She hated to say this, but it was needed. "I am sorry."

"Thank you." Szayel smirked and took a step back to glance at Grimmjow who was too shocked to speak. Television?! What kind of crazy reality was this?

"Grimmjow, you garden."

"But I don't know how to-"

"Learn." Tia ordered, throwing a book at his face.

"And let him sit in and watch TV?!" Grimmjow screamed, pointing at Szayel like he just stole cookies before dinner.

"Maybe. I do own a due apology. And as such, Szayel, you can go help Ulquiorra with the rations today and then, you may go do as you wish for an hour. (Yes, Grimmjow, Including TV watching.) After that, you come back to me for more tasks. And I will try to think of something in your skill set while you are away. That is final."

"Wonderful." Szayel wanted to smile, "But for some reason, I just been hit with this horrible feeling all of a sudden."

"And what is that?" She asked, not sure what thought hit him so quickly.

"I have this horrible feeling that Yylfordt is having the time of his life in Soul Society while we sit here with no clean dishes, little water and rations."

* * *

Author's piece: Hello once again, My Dear Readers! I am so thrilled to have you here. This story is going to be a lot more silly fun like Espadas Undercover but still keep with the building dramatic plot of The New Order. And yes, some stereotypes should just crawl in a hole. (And note to self, do not buy Szayel a bowtie. I still want to write this story!) I also wanted to say that the Numbers of the Espada have changed in the last story. Hence, the New Order of Espada.

Tia is 0

Ulquiorra - 1

Nnoitra - 2

Grimmjow - 3

Szayel - 4

Aaroniero - 5

Thank you so much for reading a long and for all of the reviews I have been getting. (I love them by the way, if you want to leave me one after reading this author's note.) This is going to be a very fun and crazy ride! Enjoy!

_**Cover image thanks to Blackstorm on Deviant Art who gave me Permission to use their wonderful picture of Tier/Tia Harribel. If you like the cover of this story, please go leave them a note and take a look at their other work. As it is all wonderful. Thanks, Blackstorm!**_


	2. Bathtub Shinanagans

"Ah…" Yylfordt sighed and gazed out at the nice swimming pool in front of him as he sat in a nice lounge chair with a dish of sake. "I am having the time of my life… It's so nice…Wonder why?"

"Maybe they wanna kill us." Nelliel suggested, still a little disappointed that she was still in her child form. She had tried to ask Mayrui two days ago, but he told her no. "But if they wanted to, they all ready would have."

"You're right." Yylfordt couldn't believe he got off the hook so easily for escaping his prison room and attacking the guards. And what was best of all, Ikkaku had been able to convince Kenpachi to let Ciricci's head be buried in a small corner of the graveyard of the Eleventh Company. Which would happen when there was a day free which was surely not far away. (As Kenpachi pointed out: "The way her head looks at the moment, there is no real rush. So get back to work.)

"But… I think Harribel has something to do with it." Yylfordt pointed out to Nelliel who was sitting in the lounge chair next to him. A small glass of lemonade in hand. "Queen Tia said if I'm killed, Yumichika dies. So… I guess it kinda works out…"

"As long as no one eats him." Nelliel laughed, sending a wave of pretty sound through the air. "For what I heard from Ichigo was that Heuco Mundo has cut itself off from the other worlds almost completely. You can still sense it, but you cannot access it. So, they must be having a great party over there in desert land."

"Heh." Yylfordt snickered at the idea, "I bet if you could hear what was happening, you could hear all of them complaining. I would pay to hear-"

Someone poked him in the shoulder and he glanced up to see Ikkaku staring down at him.

"What?" Yylfordt asked, offering him a sip of sake.

"Thanks but no thanks." Ikakku held up a whole bottle he was drinking while off duty. "I came to tell you that the captains want to meet with you. We managed to get some of the footage from the Spies we sent to investigate the inter-workings of Heueco Mundo and you know more about all the strange people we are seeing than we do. It's all set up in the main meeting hall and Nel, you can-"

"It's Nelliel." Yylfordt corrected, not wanting such a high ranking Espada to be short changed.

Ikakku sighed. "Nelliel, you are invited to come and give what ever information that Yylfordt here lacks."

"Wait…" She crawled out of her chair and walked over to the two of them. "This is sounding more like an interrogation. Do we have to tell?'

"Yeah. It kinda is. I just wanted to make it sound nice. Now, let's go."

* * *

Yylfordt wasn't sure what to say ten minutes later when Ikakku led him into the main meeting hall where all 13 court guards were standing awaiting his arrival. "Why does this make me feel like some kind of rockstar?" Yylfordt whispered to Ikakku who grinned, "Or some kind of prisoner on death row?"

"Don't be so nervous." The soul reaper whispered back, with a small pat on the shoulder. " You know Kenpachi and Matsumoto."

"Yeah…" Yylfordt hated to say it, but, "What good is a drinking buddy who might not actually help me."

"Donno. Wait, you said: Drinking Buddy."

"Yes, Ikakku. We met in a bar and we shared a few stories and then later, we met again. I understand you aren't to talk about the whole mess in Heuco Mundo. I still don't really understand why, but I'll go along with it."

"Good." Ikakku led the two hollows to the middle of the room and after making sure Nelliel and Yylfordt were setting on a pair of nice pillows in front of a large viewing screen, stepped back. Turning to Kenpachi as he did so. "Sir. I have brought them. Captain Mayrui may begin the film."

Kenpachi nodded and gestured to the Twelfth Captain across the room from him.

"Yes, yes…" Mayrui walked to the front of the audience, a wide smile on his painted face. "And now, we have a film we'd like for you hollows to watch and-"

Yylfordt raised his hand.

"What?" The creepy clown asked.

"Arancarr, please. It is less…offensive term as we take much pride in our evolution."

Yylfordt and Nelliel put on their sweetest smiles.

"Whatever, Hollow." Mayrui hardly cared what he called these things. "Continuing on. Soi-fon of the… sixth Company? Oh, whatever, sent spies to Heuco Mundo to investigate Harribel's new order of…Hollows. And somehow, we were discovered by…a thing….I don't know if it likes My Chemical Romance, but whatever….You two just watch and tell us what you know of this thing and then tell us about the other fragments of footage I was able to salvage."

Nelliel and Yylfordt shared another look. Did no one here understand how horrid it was to be called a simple hollow who was a brainless idiot and had no free thought?

The two sighed in unison. "Yes. Fine. We shall watch."

Mayrui smiled. "Wonderful. And here we are." He pressed a button on the chunky remote control he was holding and the screen flickered onto show-

"Oh… no… " Yylfordt moaned. "I bet you just thought he was weak because he looked scrawny…."

"And" Nelliel hated to say this, "What's worse… it's the Territorial Emo-thing."

"Yeah…" Yylfordt added, "And there… he just ripped their hearts out…before they could blink. What kind of… What kind of idiots are you, soul reapers?!"

"Although…" Nelliel patted her friend's shoulder, "It could have been the Old Married Couple."

"Right." Yylfordt opened his mouth to speak when it hit him. "Nelliel-sama, how do you know those names?"

"Word gets around when no one can get a wink of sleep."

"True. And…wait…Mayrui-sama," Yylfordt began as the scene changed to peer across the white desert to stare at a small window which had the inside light on. "What is this scene?"

"Something else I was able to salvage, from about two week ago, don't bother me with the details, hol-"

"There!" A voice cried on the video,"Now we can go to sleep."

"No way!" Another cried and the lone window was opened, " We leave it open."

Yylfordt leaned see if he could see their forms from inside, and sure enough… there they were:

"Szayel, I am not having the window open!" Nnoitra marched back to the window and promptly shut it. "People could jump through and attack!"

"I don't care!" Szayel walked over and opened it again. "I like fresh air."

"There is never a breeze!" Nnoitra pointed out, slamming the window shut again.

"This…" Yylfordt was doing all he could not to laugh. "Is really, really amusing."

"And if you want some breeze," Nnoitra grouched, "Turn on a fan."

"I don't like fans! It gives me wing-flop!" Szayel complained, "Besides, I like hearing the sound of the wildlife!"

"We don't have any! Heuco Mundo is not a zoo!"

"Nnoitra, dearest, You have to understand. I like to listen to all of the hollows outside scream as they are slowly consumed."

"It's really just a headache, Szayel! One I don't like!" Nnoitra was going to get his way and so, he shut the window. Again. "Now go to sleep!"

"But I can't!"

"Yes you can, you just don't want to!"

There was a long pause, the window shut at the time.

Szayel sighed and disappeared from the window frame. "FINE! I'm going to sleep! Tomorrow, the window is open! DEAL?!"

"Deal!"

"Good night!"

"Good night!" and the light in the room was turned off. Leaving the 13 Court guards baffled by what they just saw. First. Hollows went on dates? Second. Hollows fell in love at all? Third. They fought over the window being open. What kind of strange world was this Heuco Mundo?

"What is it?" Yamamoto asked the two Hollows in front of him who were rolling on the floor with laugher. "What is so funny?"

Yylfordt and Nelliel only laughed harder.

"And this," Mayrui wasn't sure if he should start the video again by the way the two hollows looked like they were dying. Oh well. They were just test subjects. "Is next piece is an hour later."

Yylfordt tried his best to sit up as the film began again, only to burst out laughing again when the first thing he heard was:

"Stop messing with the window while I'm alsleep! I thought we had a deal!"

"But I want the nice sounds of the wild-" The small window was opened and something was tossed out into the white sands.

"If you want to hear the wild life, go LIVE with the wildlife!"

"Oh…" The thing that was tossed out stood up and brushed the sand out of its pink hair. "Nature hates you, Nnoitra!"

"I don't care!" Nnoitra slammed the window shut, leaving Szayel outside in the dark and sands. "Good night!"

Szayel sighed and sat down in the sands next to the window and the camera caught a frown on his face. "Awe… Nnoitra… Let me back in…"  
The window stayed shut.

"Come on!" Szayel stood up and knocked on the glass. "Honey…aw… damn you! It's cold out here! I demand you let me back in!" He knocked on the window again and no one came to open it. "Come on! Don't make me go all the way around this large ass fortress to get back inside!"

He sat back down in the sands and crossed his arms. "Geez… I would never toss him out a window…"

Suddenly some sound which could not be heard by the cameras distracted his attention. "Oh…" Szayel smiled, suddenly happy about the change of pace. "On another note, maybe being tossed out a window wasn't so bad…When there is midnight-a-snacking to be-"

"And someone should fill my bathtub!"

Yylfordt stared in shock. The scene had suddenly changed out of the blue to…"Aaroniero taking a bath?!" He screamed, not sure if he wanted to see anymore of this film. "NNOOO!"

"What is this?!" Nelliel screamed, not sure if she should laugh or wet herself.

"I told you the footage is choppy." Mayrui muttered, not seeing the humor or the horror of watching a creepy tank of water with two heads in it, take a bath. "Keep watching."

Nelliel gave Yylfordt a look. "Okie…if ya want…"

"Awe…" Aaroniero complained from his bubble bath as he lifted a leg out of the tub to scrub it with a brush, "Why me? Why am I still Szayel's punching bag?! I can't stand it anymore! I… I am quit! I told told Yammy I was going to quit! When I get back home! That was! I am going march up to Tia and say, I. Quit. And she will smile and say, 'good job' or, "Get your ass back to work! No one quits!' But I'll say, 'but you don't understand, Tia! I've been home for only two days and Szayel broke my legs for fun so I had to crawl all the way to my bathtub where I am now! Not to mention he made me Nnoitra punching bag! Which was worse than being Szayel's! Nnoitra hits millions of times harder, Tia! I tried to talk to Ulquiorra but all I got was, 'get to work' and Grimmjow just laughed at me and added more bruises!' and then, I will cry. Yeah. I will cry a lot. Maybe like: WHAHHHAAAA! Or… wait, maybe: AHHHHWWWAAWAAAA! Will be more effective… Or, I could just walk out of this-damn it, can't walk! WHHHAAAAA! I WANTTOBECOMEAVASTOLORDEORIQUIT! I HATE BEING A GILLIGAN! ALL YOU PEOPLE THING YOU CAN BOSS ME AROUND! AHHHHH! IT'S NOT FAIR! AND I DON'T WAANNA GEEET A TATTOOOO! WHAAA-"

"What do you want to do?" the Emo-thing asked another man with blue hair who was sitting on the couch next to him, game controller in hand.

"I donno." The blue-haired one replied, "Let's play more mario-cart."

"Okay, that sounds lik-"

Tia stared out the window of her room. "Mel-rose. I'm bored."

"I know, my lady."

"And my bed has been taken over by Grimmjow…that darn cat. Must he always insist on purring while he sleeps? It drives me nuts."

"I know. Do you want me to kick him off your bed?"

Tia shook her head. "No. I will just steal his bed, even though it is covered in cat nip. Thankfully I like the smell of fish. Speaking of which, please bring me my dinner."

"Yes of cour-"

The screen went black, leaving the meeting hall dead silent.

Until Yamamoto cleared his voice, "Now, hollows, tell us what you know of Tia Harribel's Elite Force."

"Or…?" Yylfordt wanted to keep his mouth shut before anyone screamed or beat him up for being unwillingly related to Szayel. "What?"

"We will make you talk."

"Um…" Was it him, or was the head of the Soul Reaper party wish to violate the deal between Tia? "But didn't Queen Harribel say not to hurt me?"

"Yes." Yamamoto said, "But she will not know what goes on in here as she has isolated her own world from the rest. So, you are under our laws, hollow."

Yylfordt sighed. "Darn it."

"That's better." The old man said with a scowl. "Start talking."

"Okay…' Yylfordt looked at Nelliel who made a 'we are in an icky mess' face. "I'll go first. Emo there, is named Ulquiorra. Aka The Territorial Emo-Thing."

All the Soul Reapers raised an eyebrow.

"No," Yylfordt continued, stepping towards the middle of the room a little more. A kind smile sliding on to his face to hid his nerves, "Really. That is what we've called him until we learned his name was Ulquiorra."

"And where does he stand in the Espada?" Yamamoto asked, not understanding this whole nick-name thing going on under his nose for years and years.

"He…He was the fourth." Yylfordt wanted to keep as much information away from the soul reapers as he could. Tia would love him for it and she might be nice enough to promote him or demote Szayel. One or the other, it was fine with him.

"And where does he stand now?"

"Uh… Captain…Yama…what your name is, I don't really know now. I'm only a lowly Numeros."

"But you surely know the ranks of your superiors, no?" The old man knew this hollow was more well informed than he was letting on.

"Ah….Yeah. We do." Yylfordt knew it was better to tell the truth and so he could get away with a lie when he really needed one. "Ulquiorra there is the Third Espada now. I think anyway."

"And…" Yamamoto stared at the blonde hollow who only stared back at him in return. "Who are the others and where do they place?"

"Um…Let's see…Lady Nelliel, do you know anyone else in that film?"

She frowned sightly and stood up, brushing a bit of green hair behind one ear. "I do. The man with Blue hair is named Grimmjow and he's… an Espada."

"Yeah." Yylfordt grinned wider. "Where he ranks now a day, I have no idea. Honest. The numbers got screwed up after Aizen died."

"And…the…" Yamamoto really did not want to remember the strange footage, "But the… thing. The thing in the bathtub."

"That…" Yylfordt really didn't want to remember that weird scene. "That was Aaroniero. He's…it…is…. Aaroniero. An Espada."

"…Okay. " Yamamoto wasn't going to argue as he wanted to move on and wipe the strange image of pretty girl legs attached to a two heads in a tank out of his mind. "Next… The…Window people. Wildlife lovers… Or not."

Yylfordt made a face. "Ewwwh…Um…Nnoitra and Szayel. They battle over the window all the time."

"And…"

"And?" Yylfordt tried his best to play dumb. But he was just too smart. "What?"

"Tell me more." The old man ordered, "Such as rankings."

"Um…Last time I heard, Nnoitra was the Fifth Espada and Szayel was the Eighth. Things have changed though, as I was saying. So, did Aaroniero have hot legs, or was it just me?"

Nelliel tried not to gag. Worst subject changer in all of history, folks! Let's give him a hand! Not.

"And so," She picked up the conversation as quickly as possible. "Can we leave now?"

Yamamoto sighed heavily. He needed more than a briefing of Harribel's Royal Court, but… from the sound of their replies, he wasn't going to get more than that at the moment. And there was no use in trying to force them to talk either as he had a feeling the two would just laugh at Soul Society's Torture room. "Fine… You may leave… But you will be returning here in the morning to tell us more."

"Great!" Nelliel grabbed Yylfordt's hand and the two disappeared into thin air. 


	3. Infomercials Saves Lives

This is a wonderful and very funny Guest Chapter written by Spottedmask77. Thank you so much for writing! :) - Aceidia

* * *

"Why are you making me do this?" Grimmjow complained for the fourth time as he was once again shoved down into the small, wooden chair. "I have better things to do than this! Just because Szayel prefers doing this doesn't mean I have to!"

Tia gave him a look that could have cut a diamond in half easily. "Grimmjow Jeagerjaques. You will do as I say. Nnoitra, Ulquiorra, please strap him down."

"But Lady Tia, is this really necessary?" piped up Aaroniero from the sidelines. "Is watching television truly a needed skill?"

"You are not to question my rule," Tia said icily. "Out of all of you, Szayel is the least tense, so I am assuming that watching television has something to do with it. I do not need uptight Espada - "

"Wait, you want to turn all of us into Starrks?" Nnoitra blurted out as he tied a cursing Grimmjow's arms to the chair with titanium rope.  
"No, not Starrks," Tia answered, her patience running thin. "Is Szayel a Starrk?"

"You want to turn us all into Szayels?!" Aaroniero cried.

"You will be turned into piles of ashes if you don't shut up." Tia said darkly. Everyone wisely chose to heed her orders. When Grimmjow was tied to the chair sufficiently enough so that he was unable to escape from the horrors of television, Tia clicked the remote, and the screen lit up.

A soap opera was on.

"No, Jimmy, don't leave me," sobbed a blonde girl on the screen.

"I'm sorry, Harriet. Bethany is just something else," the dark haired man said sadly.

"This makes no sense!" exploded Grimmjow. "Who's Harriet? And Bethany? And Jimmy?"

"Ahh, this is the classic soap opera," Szayel sneered. "Cheating boyfriends, sexist and racist comments, and completely - "

The blonde woman pulled out a pistol. "I th-thought you'd do something like this, Jimmy. That's why I have to do this."

The dark haired man paled. "Now, Harriet, isn't this taking it a bit too far?"

"If I can't have you, nobody can!" she screamed, and squeezed the trigger.

"And now for a special message from our sponsors," a monotone voice said as the screen faded to black.

"No! What kind of shit are they trying to pull here? Does Jimmy get shot or does Harriet miss or does someone save him?!" Grimmjow yowled. "This is a rip off!"

"There, there, it'll be back after the commercial break," Szayel half comforted, half mocked.

"I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT."

"This might have not been the most successful way of easing Grimmjow's tension," Tia murmured to herself. Sighing, she glanced at Ulquiorra. "You shall watch Grimmjow watch television. Aaroniero, I need for you to do something for me."

"What?" he asked. "Can't I stay here and watch Grimmjow watch television too?"

"No, you can't," Tia said firmly. "You need to come with me to collect–"

"WATER!" Grimmjow suddenly yelled, pointing at the TV screen.

"Yes," the female Espada said. "If you haven't noticed, we are running a bit low."

"No, water! On the screen!" Grimmjow said excitedly.

"It's a commercial," Szayel said, using a tone one might use on small children that didn't know what they were talking about.

"I know that. But they have a toll free number, so….." Grimmjow's eyes lit up.

"What?" Nnoitra asked, a bit curious.

"We could call them and order a thousand bottles of water."

"I don't think that's how it–" Ulquiorra started to say, but was cut off by Grimmjow shushing him.

"It's back on! Everybody shut up!"

"Did you get the number?" Tia asked Szayel quietly.

"You're not actually going to go through with that idiot's ridiculous plan, are you?" he scoffed.

"Did you or did you not get the number?"

"Yes, I got it," Szayel sighed in annoyance. "1-800-GOTWATER."

"How original," Tia murmured. Then, louder, she said, "I shall be using the phone. In this period of time, no one else is permitted to use the phone to make calls to check up on their brother on the Soul Society."

Szayel choked a little on the air when he heard this. "Why would I call him?"

"Especially after we sent them Circci's head," Nnoitra reminded him, deeply interested in his fingernails.

"I don't know why. Strange beings do strange things," Tia shrugged, exiting the room.

"Are you calling me strange?!" Szayel asked indignantly, not caring Tia probably couldn't hear him anymore.

"Yes. You are very, very strange Szayel," Nnoitra smirked, looking up.

"Well, you're stranger! Obsessed with your conditioner–"

"It is NOT an obsession, and you're strangerer! Who has pink hair?"

"That isn't a word, you dumb piece of ***!"

"**** off!"

"Shut up!" Grimmjow yelled. "I'm trying to watch my show!"

* * *

"Hello, you've reached 1-800-GOTWATER. How may we help you today?" a sweet female voice said on the other end of the line, in English.

Tia mentally groaned.

Why was it all in English?

"Hello," she said in a business-like tone, concealing her inner thoughts for now. "I would like to place an order."

"Okay, hon. Where would you like it delivered?" the voice asked.

"Um…." Tia hadn't really planned this out. Hueco Mundo was closed off to other worlds at the present, and it isn't as if she could tell a human to drop off a thousand bottles of water there anyway. "You see…." Suddenly, she got an idea. "Do you deliver to Scotland?"

"I guess. I thought your accent was funny."

Tia pushed down the flicker of anger ignited by that comment. "Yes, well, I would like 1000 bottles of water."

"Delivered to where in Scotland, dear?" the voice chirped.

Tia smirked as she gave the address.

* * *

"Nnoitra! Szayel!" she called, entering the room where Grimmjow was watching the soap.

"Shh!" he shushed her. "Melody is thinking over Jordan's proposal, and he's thinking about ending it all if she says no!"

"Melody? Jordan? What happened to Jimmy and Harriet?" Tia glanced at the television to see a sobbing man.

"Different soap," Ulquiorra answered.

"Oh. Do you know where Nnoitra and Szayel are?" Tia questioned, her gaze stuck on the TV, where a red-headed girl sat by the crying man to comfort him.

"They…." Ulquiorra wasn't sure how to phrase this. "Szayel pushed Nnoitra out the window. And then froze, as he remembered a statement he said a few weeks back, something about 'never tossing Nnoitra out a window.' He then proceeded to jump down after him."

"And then…..?"

"And we had to close the window. Grimmjow was complaining about how loud those two were yelling," Ulquiorra finished.

Tia sighed, and marched over to the window. As she opened it, she saw Nnoitra chasing Szayel with Santa Theresa.

"I SAID I was sorry!" Szayel yelled.

"Soory, my ass! You pushed me out the ******* window!"

"You did this to me!"

"But I had a reason to!"

"My reason was revenge! Isn't that good enough, *******?!"

"NO!"

"At least let me catch my breath!"

"If I do, then you'll puke up Forniacaras!"

"Exactly!"

"Szayel! Nnoitra!" Tia yelled down at them. They stopped running to look up at her. "I have a job for you!"

"A job? Right now?" Szayel asked.

"What the **** is it?" Nnoitra asked, irked.

"I need you to go pick up the thousand bottles of water I just ordered," Tia explained, leaning out the window slightly.

"Where did you send the order to?" Szayel questioned. "Will we be able to get out of Hueco Mundo to the human world?"

"Yes, you will. As for the location….." Tia called, smiling smugly internally. "Do you remember that motel in Scotland we got kicked out of when you blew up the bathroom wall, Nnoitra?"

"Yes….."

"Congratulations. You get to pick up a thousand bottles of water from that location."

* * *

Author's note from Spottedmask: *Waves*


	4. The Screaming Contest

"Esh." Ikkaku grouched as he walked into the third company house to find Nelliel and Yylfordt playing cards on the small table. "Why did you just up an disappear today? I was going to ask you to come hunting with me and Hanngan again…so that's why I had to come all the way over here."

Yylfordt looked up and grinned. "Are you sure? I mean, you could go yourself and-"

"Listen here, hollow." Ikkaku growled, bending down to be face to face with this strange anomaly. "You are an Numeros, right?"

"Uh…" Yylfordt wasn't sure if he liked being stared at so closely. "Yeah… why?"

"You can order other hollows around, right?"

"Uh…Yeah?"

"Then come along." Ikkaku grouched, not knowing why Yylfordt didn't see what he saw. "'Cause you can order them to stop fighting us and surrender. Do you think I like chopping things up?"

"Uh…" Yyfordt pretended to think. "Yeah. Because you are in the Eleventh Company. It's the chopping machine that gives things to the Twelfth Company to mutilate farther… damn… why does that sounds so… familiar? Hey….Ikakku… between me and you… I have a question."

"And what's that? And I also just wanted you to come along 'cause its nice to talk."

"Fine, fine…" Yylfordt gave in, "I'll come. And just curiously: are Mayrui and Kenpachi going out?"

Ikakku's jaw fell to the floor. "…What?"

"I was just wondering if-"

"I know what you said!" The Soul Reaper cried over Nelliel's laugher. "And no! Dear… what ever is up there! No, no no! And why the hell did you ask such a strange question?! Now I-ew! AHHHH! The idea burns!"

"Ah…I'll take that as a…no?" Yylfordt watched his friend dance around the room screaming, hands over his eyes. "I'm sorry?"

"Ew…." Ikkaku muttered as he walked through the plaines of Oklahoma, one of the states of The United States of America. "This place is so… boring."

"And flat." Hanngan grimaced as he gazed at the flat plaines of prairie grass he was wading through as they headed for the town. "I have to say this is a perfect place to hide as a Hollow… So boring, no one will ever come looking for you."

"Hey," Yylfordt pretended to be offended while he hacked through some more tall grass with his lender and very dull, plain sword. He was so bored out of his mind, even a conversation with Szayel was starting to sound like fun. "We have taste…or not."

"Glad you agree." Ikkaku was on the hunt! Why was this boring landscape almost putting him to sleep?! "Does anyone have any mints or candy or… something?! I am so close to…"

He yawned.

Yylfordt yawned and so did Hanngen.

"This is so boring, guys…"

"We know!" Ikkaku's two companions cried, "And…WOWIE!"

"Wowie, what?!" The Leader of the group looked around to find- "A Car Station!"

"Candy!" Hanngan cried and took off towards the small and rundown gas station in the distance.

"Souls!" Yylfordt cried, only to be grabbed by the back of the collar. "Hey, I was just kidding, Ikkaku! Can't you take a joke?!"

The Soul Reaper thought for a moment. "Um…"

Yylfordt rolled his eyes and sighed. "Ikkaku, come on. Lighten up for once!"

"…Fine…Go on…" Ikkaku let the hollow go and he ran off to catch up with Hanngen who was already halfway to the car station. "Have fun…yeah…wait up!" He caught up to Yylfordt and Hanngen just as they were opening the door into the connivence store. "What kind of officers are you?! Abandoning your leader?!"

Hanngan and Yylfordt shared a grin. "Hungry ones. Let us go in."

"Wait a sec." Ikkaku grabbed both of their collars just in time. "We can't go in."

"W…why?" Hanngen was hungry and there was no way that anyone was getting in the way of his next meal. "Sir."

"Because," Ikkaku was hungry too, but he wasn't going start complaining and as for Yylfordt, he was always hungry. Naturally. "We don't have Gigais and it would scare the hell out of people if we just walked in there and started to eat."

"True." Yylfordt sighed, just wanting a nice soda or something not disgusting for once. Soul Society was a nice place, they just didn't understand the whole: 'I Hate Sushi' thing. "But no one will notice a small cand-Oh!"

"What is it?!" Ikkaku gasped, seeing the blonde hollow suddenly looking around in all directions.

"I sense the sucker!" Yylfordt whispered, as not to alarm the hollow a good six kilometers away.

"You mean-"

"Yeah, Hanngan. I sense that hollow we are looking for and… oh… dinner… yum…. Okay, never mind!" He cried, seeing both of the Soul Reapers scowl. "But anyway… he's a good six kilometers east of here…"

"WHAT?!" Ikkaku cried, standing up from the odd huddle the three where in. "You can sense a hollow from six kilometers miles away?!"

"Yeah…" Yylfordt scratched his head, his hand brushing the remainder of his horned mask. "I know I stink at Pesque."

"Stink?!" Ikkaku placed his hands on the Hollow's shoulders and shook him. "You just found a…that far away?!"

Yylfordt didn't see what the big deal was. He found another of his kind. "I did… now stop shaking me, you are messing up my hair. Anyhow, I am honestly not that good. Even my stupid bro can find someone a good hundred and fifty kilometers away."

"That's amazing! I mean-"

"Don't bother Ikkaku." Yylfordt almost laughed at his attempt to save the statement. "But I know he is better than I am. Always was and always will be."

"That's not true." Ikkaku shook his head, "you seem to have more of a heart from what I hear. Besides, you two…things? Um… what the word is that is NOT hollows, are surely very different. Granted, I've never met your brother. Anyhow, I am sure you are far more…better, nicer all around."

"That was a weird statement…" Yylofrdt muttered, accepting the compliment. "And now, can we just get hollow hunting?"

"Yeah…" Hanngan agreed, knowing the conversation was skittering on thin ice. Considering the last time the subject of Yylfordt's brother was brought up. It ended up with the hollow screaming at the two of them. "Let's do that…and you are really nice, by the way."

Yylfordt raised an eyebrow. "Thanks?"

"Welcome." Hanngan flashed a grin. "Now where is the hollow?"

Yylfordt pointed to the left. "There." And the Soul Reapers were gone before he could blink. "Aw… come on! Wait up, will you?!"

He glanced around the empty car station lot and the prairies beyond; Hanngen and Ikkaku were nowhere in sight.

"I… Guess not." Yylfordt sighed and took a step forwards and he was soon found himself with his group who were staring up at a- "Vasto Lorde?!" He spun on his heels and-

"You aren't going anywhere!" Hanngan ordered, his hand wrapping around the arrancar's arm. "We need to get rid of this hollow and you are-"

"Are you guys crazy?!" Yylfordt cried, knowing they were in way over their heads. "That's a frickin' Vasto Lorde! Masked, but none the less, a Vasto Lorde!"

"We know what a Vasto Lorde is." Ikkaku was so happy. This was going to be a great fight. "And I can't wait to slay this-"

"Excuse me." The Vasto Lorde with green skin and black hair. He was clearly a walking frog as his hands and feet were webbed. Not to mention, his tongue was clearly too long for his mouth and the white mask on his face seemed to create an illusion of a frog like smile. "Can we just talk, Soul Reapers?"

Hanngan laughed, drawing his sword. "Why would you want to do that?"

"I like that idea!" Yylfordt cried, still feeling the urge to run away. It didn't matter that he was a large bull and this thing was a tiny frog! "I like that idea very much, in fact! Didn't your mom tell you not to poke frogs?!"

Ikkaku gave him a look. "Yeah. She did. I ignored. And no, we are not going to sit and talk to froggy here."

"But," Yylfordt really wanted to sit these two down and explain a whole slew of things about the difference in power, but he didn't have time. "Why don't you let me talk with him and then maybe I can get him to surrender or something! It's that what you brought me along for?!"

"Nah." Hanngan muttered something and his sword grew into a javelin. "We just wanted company, you know."

"Guys!" Yylfordt screamed, causing both of them to freeze. "Don't make me scream at you!"

"Ow…" the Vasto Lorde muttered, putting his hands to his ears. "Listen to the screamer, will you? I haven't heard someone scream so loud since Fornicaras came blazing into my town ages ago."

In that moment, Yylfordt was hit by a sudden idea.

He turned to Vasto Lorde and pasted a large smirk on his face and put his hand on his hip."Haha. I can see you are having such crappy day already, I hate to add this fact to your list: I scream louder than my little bro."

"I highly doubt that-" The Vasto Lorde froze. A string of sleepless and very loud nights danced into his head."Wh…what?! Little…you're…"

"Yeah. You got that right I'm Fornicaras' older and much louder brother. So, if you three don't sit down, talk things out or whatever, I'm going to scream."

Hanngan glanced to his left at Ikkaku who was laughing at the world's most stupid threat.

"Re…really?' the Soul Reaper gasped for air. You're threatening to scream at us? I know you can be loud, but… this is too…too…"

Yylfordt turned his attention to the Vasto Lorde who was begging him not to scream. "Cover your ears, okay?"

After the Frog did this, Yylfordt turned to Ikkaku and Hanngan. "Geez. You don't think I'm serious, do you?"

"Uh…" Hanngan snickered, "Not really. I heard you screech before, but…"

"And… and I don't really think that playing the screaming card is going to get you anywhere." Ikkaku told him, leaning on his sword so he would not fall over from laugher.

"Oh." Yylfordt frowned, making the Vasto Lorde back away. "Really? Is that what you think… fine. It's your ears… Here it goes: _You two had better sit down right this minute and listen to froggy over there! We do not want to eat frog legs anyway because they taste like shit! So let's all sit and listen to froggy here who seems distressed! Is that clear?! Okay! Good! Now shut the hell up until froggy is done talking!"_

Yylfordt opened his eyes to see Hanngan with his hands over his ears, his sword on the ground. Ikakku on the other hand was staring at him with wide eyes, like his brain had been blown out of his head or something. "And there. I screamed. And I wasn't honestly mad. Don't make me mad. Get the picture?"

"Ah…" Hanngan cautiously took his hands off his ears and picked up his sword to put it away. "Let's listen to Froggy… Okay? Don't scream anymore…"

Yylfordt smiled. Maybe screaming DID get things done. "Good deal. Now, Vasto Lorde, please introduce yourself."

"Of… of course." The frog muttered before nodding sightly. "I am Azzeno Jhasion. I have come from the central zone of the Forest of Menos. I have come to the human world with my fellow hollows-"

"See?" Ikkaku said. "He said Hollow."

"But," Yylfordt pointed out, "He still has his mask. I don't. I actually rank higher than he does, so he has to listen."

"You said he's a Vasto Lorde, though." Hanngan whispered.

"Yeah, he is." Yylfordt said back, "But Arrancars always rank higher than the masked and the rankings among us are different! You don't have to same problem in Soul Society as we do in Hueco Mundo! I even have to call Telsa, Telsa-sama. Even though he's the fiftieth Numeros and I'm the sixteenth!"

"Why?" Hanngan wanted to know more.

"Because, he's Nnoitra Gilga's Fraccion and my own master, Grimmjow ranks below Nnoitra! It's really complicated! Even Ulquiorra has to address Harribel's Fraccion formally! And damn, do I hate addressing my bro's creepy science projects as -sama. That really sucks, you know."

"But wait!" Ikakku muttered back, ignoring Azzeno who waiting to be talked to again. "Ichigo had the crap beaten out of him by Grimmjow! And Ichigo is Ichigo! One of the strongest soul reapers of all time! He and Kenpachi-sama came to a draw when they fought! Even Byakuya was beaten up!"

"Yeah." Yylfordt had no clue who they would talking about. "Ichigo did get beat up by Grimmjow. And Nnoitra is stronger than Grimmjow, so what is the big deal? Damn, I would love to see Telsa beat up Ichigo… Bet he could do it too. Haha.. My bro might be able to beat up ichigo now that I think of it. Nnoitra seems to force him to participate in his and Telsa-sama's morning exercises. Heh."

"What's the big deal?!" the Soul Reapers yelled in his ears. "Is that Ichigo who beat up a whole slew of soul society captains was beat up by Grimmjow who is not even the highest ranking Espada!" Ikakku finished for Hanngan who couldn't have explained the horrifying realization better. "So, from what you seem to be telling us, the Espada are ten times more powerful than the soul reapers!"

"And that is…Bad?"

"Yeah!" Hanngan cried, "It is! Hollows shouldn't be this powerful!"

"And Soul Reapers should be?"

"Yes, Yylfordt! They should be as we keep things in order and balance."

"Um…" He could see what Hanngan was saying, but it didn't make much sense. "So, Hollows should not be a powerful as Soul Reapers who try to make balance? But wouldn't balance make things on both sides equal? Maybe you Soul Reapers should get off your sake drinking butts and start training!"

Ikkaku and Hanngan gasped.

"What?! How dare you accuse us of laziness!"

"What right do you have anyway?!"

"Um…" Yylfordt hated to point it out, but did so anyway. "I do have all the right. You Soul Reapers are just there, born or whatever and while you all sit in Kido school, we hollows have to constantly fight to survive. It's a savage and brutal world that many do not enjoy and most give in after a year. Almost did that myself, but then I ended up running into my old master, what ever his name was…and I met Di Roy and all those nice guys. And the other people I know all had reasons to continue fighting. Messed up or not. So yeah, I have the right to call you lazy."

"Hear, hear!" The Vasto Lorde grinned under his mask. "It is so nice to put things in perspective. Now, if you wouldn't mind listening Yylfordt, it would be greatly appreciated."

The blonde Arrancar sat down in the tall grass, ignoring Ikkaku's latest question. "Sure. Wouldn't mind at all. And how did you know my name?"

"Good. I ran into you ages ago and I don't forget names." Azzeno sat down as well and put his hands in his lap. "I came here with my fellow hollows from the forest as Harribel has been constantly incinerating all of the representatives and leaders we have sent to protest her rule."

'And why are you doing something stupid like that?" Yylfordt asked, grabbing his friends by the robes and making them sit down next to him.

"It is hardly stupid." Azzeno said. "I will not be ruled over by a woman. And Harribel is not who I would have chose if I were forced to pick one."

"And… who WOULD that be?"

"Well, she's gone now, but I might as well say Nelliel Tu would make a much better ruler. She would listen to her king and do as he asked."

"And…" Yylfordt really didn't understand this whole, 'don't want women thing' that seemed to be at the core of Heuco Mundo Culture. All the women he knew were too scary to be argued with and would make far better rulers than their fellow males. "Are you trying to say that Harribel needs to settle down and get a king?"

"Of course I am! And I don't want her on the throne any longer. We had Barraggan and he was a wonderful ruler. Left us alone to do as we wished. Aizen and none of us could stand him for he brought order and rules to our world. Now, Harribel is insisting on keeping the structure set by Aizen and from what I hear, she is planning to add to the Espada. Now all of this is top secret mind you and rather expensive inf-"

"Who told you?" Yylfordt always hated a snitch.

"Why should I tell you, Adjches?"

"Because I outrank you."

Azzeno laughed and shook his head. "Rank has no meaning in the human world, fool!"

"Okay." Yylfordt could roll with that. Onto the next plan! "Let's put it this way…You tell or I am going to have two soul reapers beat you up and I am going to send you in a large box to my brother."

"Right… I am not actually scared. Your brother is a sad weakling. I was only concerned about the screaming… that nasty soun-"

"I'll send you to Nnoitra. With a bow around your neck with the words, 'New Punching Bag, Have fun.'"

"Who the hell is Nnoitra?" Azzero wasn't going to be intimidated by these silly threats.

"Who's…" Yylfordt paused, "Nnoitra? Have you been living in the…. Oh, you have been in the dark. So, to make my point more clear, does the name: Santa Teresa, ring a bell?"

"A gong! I hear you! Okay!"

"So you'll tell?!"

Azzero shook his head. "No way and I am getting out of-"

Ikkaku tackled him to the ground.

Yylfordt grinned.


	5. A Woman Like Her

"Hey!" Ikkaku cried, watching Yylfordt wrap the tied and gagged prisoner up in mounds of Happy Birthday wrapping paper. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Sending a nice present to my bro." Yylfordt replied, measuring the amount of ribbon he would need for a large bow. "Don't worry… it's a game we play."

"So…" Ikakku thought, feeling like he'd seen this kind of gag before. "You do this all the time?"

"Not until recently…" The Arrancar muttered, glancing around the small general store full of strange and eclectic things for more tape. "And what a shame it was I couldn't find any christmas wrapping paper… It would have made things-"

"Christmas wrapping?!"

"Yeah, Ikkaku. Christm-why are you looking at me like that?!"

"That box with that hollow's head was wrapped in christmas wrapping paper!"

"It wasn't just a hollow!" Yylfordt cried, dropping the tape and ribbons on the floor. "It was Ciricci!"

"I'm sorry!" Ikkaku didn't know that that head had a name. "Now don't cry! Please! It is just that the box was sent to the Twelfth Company for analysis. We want to know who sent it here and-Hanngan."

The other Soul Reaper grabbed a box of tissues off the shelf and handed it to Ikkaku who shoved it in Yylfordt's hands. "If you're gonna cry, use these."

"I'm just trying to stay upbeat about all this…you know… and…I'm sorry…I just miss her so much."

"Okay." Ikkaku knew exactly what to do so both parties felt much better. He made the three of the sit down and grabbed a box of cookies to share. "Yylfordt-san, what was so special about Ciricci?"

"Well…" Yylfordt really wanted a cookie, but the last cookies he tasted almost murdered all of his taste buds. "She…she was really sweet and kind actually. Unlike what others thought. On the outside, she came across as cold hearted and mean. Sure she beat me up once… but that was a pure accident… And a really, really long story. An well, that's actually how we met now that I recall it. She thought I was Szayel and you see the two of them had gotten in some kind of fight a few days ago and I am unfortunately cursed with being the same height and-"

"Wait, you said Szayel." Ikkaku wasn't sure if he had a name now to put with a face or not. "You mean, the nature lover?"

"Yeah." Yylfordt laughed, recalling the film in the Meeting Hall. "The one tossed out the window, that's my bro. So, back to Ciricci who took to beating me up one day and suddenly, she stopped and was like: "who are you?"

"Uh…" I said back, looking up at a woman with curling purple hair and beautiful matching eyes. "I…I'm Yylfordt, um… nice lady?"

"Right, Szayel. You just dyed your hair. I am not falling for it."

"No, really!" I cried, pasting a large smile on my face. "I'm not Szayel! I'm… his older brother!"

"Szayel doesn't have an brother." I winced as a knee connected with my stomach. "And there is no way that he's getting away for insulting me! I am a former Espada!"

"Oh…" I was suddenly interested. This could turn out good after I was released from the Ward for all of my broken bones. "Really?"

"Yes, of course you, *******!"

"Uh… Heh… I don't think you should go around using such-Never mind!" I screamed, feeing my left arm break in three places from Ciricci's sight movement. "Go ahead and smash my guts in! I don't need them anyway!"

Ciricci looked down at me, a confused look on her face. "Really?"

"Yeah." I replied, not sure why she was waiting to pound me into goo. "Go ahead….I guess… But I have to say, I do kinda like some of my organs….Like my liver and a few others that I can't remember… but they are really important you know."

"Geez." Ciricci rolled her eyes, "You talk too much…"

"See?" I said, hoping she'd finally realize it wasn't my younger brother "Szayel wouldn't be talking right now… I think he'd be laughing, not begging for mercy from your organ-"

And guys, this is where I threw up blood onto her shoes. One of the things I still not very proud of… anyhow, going on.

"Organ-Crushing blows." I wheezed out, hoping that my sniffling would let me off the hook like it had earlier that day with Aaroniero almost ate me after beginning the long list of broken bones I now had. He didn't like Szayel either and two had been at odds since they were forced to be in the same room Aka the Meeting room. Sometimes I wondered what Aizen was thinking. However, not long after Nnoitra was drafted, to put it simply, Szayel decided he wasn't going to take orders from a Gillian and split him in half. So, that's why Aaroniero has two heads. It used to be one and now he as to take orders from Szayel. Which is fine by me because he deserves it for how many times he took to beating me up. Not that Szayel is any nicer when he takes the time to beat me up… anyhow, back to Ciricci who just had her shoes ruined:

"Well…" She said, debating letting me go. "What did you say your name was?"

"Yylfordt." I coughed some more, much to my dislike.

"Okay." She said back, a thought coming to mind. "Full name and Chosen name."

"Um… Full name: Yylfordt Granz and Chosen name: Del Toro."

"Yylfordt Granz… Um… That's Szayel's last name."

"Yeah, Ciricci, pretty woman. It is. I told you that I'm his older brother and-"

Ciricci looked down and sighed. "Oh… my poor new dress…but I might as well let you go. You seem so sad and pathetic, there is no way you could be Szayel. Second, what kind of idiot uses his own last name if he's trying to be someone else."

"That's great deductions!" I cried, happy to be free of her grasp, but not so pleased to now be laying on the floor, completely totaled. "And…lady, could you help me?"

"How?" she asked. I am sure she didn't want to help her Number 1 enemy's brother, but it was worth a shot.

"Help me to the Ward before I die, will you?"

"…I guess…" I hoped she felt at least a little sorry about beating me up. Unlike Nnoitra or Aaroniero who was surely on the hunt this moment. Even though my brother is hardly the most powerful Espada, he sure did make a mess where ever he went. Sadly, he was too good at charming his way out of them… and I looked too much like him for it to be funny. Santa Teresa was always a real sucker for his charms… But on another note, one of which I am very proud of, I still have my sense of smell and Ciricci helped me to the nearest hospital bed. And I wasn't quite sure how it happened, but when I woke up I found her staring down at me.

"Hey." She said, poking me in the face for some reason. I think she thought it was cute. "Yylfordt."

"Yeah?" I said back, not sure what time it was or what was going on around me.

"I was thinking while you were out and I don't want you to think I'm saying this to get back at your brother in anyway. Is that understood?"

"Uh… yeah… no revenge."

"I wanted to know if you wanted to go out with me. I know a lot of guys have asked and Aaroniero was stupid enough to ask and I had to kick him in the testicles… I loved watching him crawl away, actually… anyhow… you seem nice enough and don't want someone because how much power they have or what not… So, will you take me on a date?"

"Um…sure…" I muttered, my mind in shock over the angel who just asked me out after rejecting countless others. "After I get out of my mummy bandages…"

"And if it will make you feel better." Ciricci continued, "I learned that your brother wasn't the one for me. I thought maybe going after him would make it possible for me to regain my place in the Espada and all I got for effort was a nasty scar on my chest after he nearly sliced me in half. Anyhow… I don't really want my place, now that I think of it… I do… but I don't really like Aizen. He is nice enough but…"

"I know what you mean." There was something about Aizen none of us liked and couldn't figure out what it was. "And I'm sorry about what Szayel did to you. At least he didn't snap."

"Didn't snap?!" She screamed at me. "He nearly sliced me in half!"

"Yeah… I know. You're lucky." I replied with a smile that only made her frown. "If he was really mad, he'd slowly eat your heart out followed by your other organs. Anyhow…Let's talk about us…I…I would really love to go out with you."

"Good. Because you're paying."

"We don't have money here!"

"True." Ciricci said. "Anyhow, you are getting the honor of taking me somewhere pretty that I haven't seen before." And that is how we met and all."

Ikkaku put down the empty box of cookies and grabbed another. "Where did you take her?"

"I…" Yylfordt knew he took her somewhere special. But… he'd been so many places with her…"Oh, yeah. I took her to see Nigira Falls. HEY! Don't laugh! I know it's overused, but we don't have even that much water in Hueco Mundo! Anyway, she liked it so much, she asked for another date. Then, that is where I had trouble. What could top the giant falls?! Then, it hit me. I took her to the ocean and she was so happy, she kissed me on the cheek."

"Ah… uh…" Hanngan wasn't sure if he should be happy for Yylfordt or tell him he was a loser for only getting a peck. "On the cheek…."

"Ciricci was a very reserved person. She is also part of the small precent of women hollows to make it to Menos Lorde level. It's hard to trust anyone. Anyhow… she loved to ocean so much, I took her on a small sail boat and we both freaked out, the ship didn't leave dock. Heh. I don't like the idea of deep, deep water either. Goodness knows, we would have run into Harribel or something."

"That's funny." Hanngan stood up to move a little. "But what do you mean you still have your sense of smell?"

"Oh." Yylfordt smiled and finally took a cookie from Ikakku. They couldn't be that bad… "That. Well, unlike Szayel, I still have my sense of smell. Sure, once he became an Arrancar, he acquired most of it back as he gained human form… but he had his antennas ripped out of his head ages ago. So, he can't really smell anything. Which is really funny since Nnoitra once tried to be romantic and show him a nice field of flowers and he just stared at it- from what I hear from Telsa-sama- and was like: 'Um… I see flowers… are these fake?'"

"…Interesting." Ikkaku handed another cookie to Hanngan. "But really, antennas? Is your brother some kind of alien?"

"Nah." Yylfordt wished he was. "He's just a butterfly."

Hanngan burst out laughing at the idea of people running from a silly flying bug. "And people are scared of him?! What a-"

"Man, " Yylfordt whispered, "He's a scary ass butterfly! Don't judge a hollow by the kind of animal they are!"

"And what are you?" Ikkaku asked, "A moth?"

Yylfordt frowned. "Haha. Not. That was not funny. I don't know how all of it works, but I am a bull and I am real-DON'T TRY IT, HANNGAN! I WILL RUN YOU THROUGH!"

Hanngan jumped and tossed the red wrapping paper far away as possible. "Okie!"

"And what else do you want to know?"

"Well," Ikkaku wasn't sure how to go about this as it was sensitive subject. "I seemed to note that Szayel and Ciricci did get along… Yylfordt, did he kill her?"

A silence fell over the group and Yylfordt looked out the window.

"Ikkaku, please don't tell anyone.. .I don't want you all to think all hollows are evil and stop trying to figure things out with Harribel-sama… I know she wants this to work between our worlds…I do too."

"He did, didn't he?"

Yylfordt sighed and shoved the cookie in his mouth to punish his tongue for speaking the next words. "Yes. He did. Szayel murdered Ciricci and I am sure he is laughing about it as we speak."


	6. A Christmas Story

"I can't believe that Ulquiorra forced us to turn off the power generators for the night." Nnoitra grouched as he tried to read a book in the dark. That night Szayel was sharing the small room with him instead of him going to the large Palace. It was fine however, for the two of them were to go pick up the water order in Scotland the next morning. Even though Tia forgot that their Gigais were of no use. So, it was up to Szayel and Nnoitra to blackmail Aaroniero in the morning.

"Szayel, This book is helping me think of an idea…" Nnoitra complained, "But I can't think when I can't read the story!"

"Stop griping, honey. I need some sleep." Szayel muttered, rolling over in bed to watch him read. "Why don't you use the flashlight?"

"It died five minutes ago. And I was just at the best part of the story."

"And what are you reading anyway?"

"Hellsing!" Nnoitra cried, just wanting to find out what happened next. "And I am in the middle of an epic, gory battle!"

"Esh… I understand. Give me a minute." Szayel rolled back over onto his stomach to think. "Set the book down and wait a sec."

"Fine." Nnoitra closed the book and set it on his nightstand on the right side of the bed. "I will. But think of it fast or I'm gonna blow a fuse."

Szayel sat up in bed. His eyes wide with shock. "A wh…what did you say?!"

"I said, "Nnoitra hated to repeat himself at three in the morning. "If you don't think of something I'm going to blow a fuse! What can you- Hey! Where are you going?!"

"I am getting out of bed!" It was brilliant. Horribly brilliant… "And I am going to-"

"You're not going to the lab!" Nnoitra cried, not sure if Szayel realized it or not. "Not completely nude!"

"What do you-" Szayel paused a looked down at himself. "Oh. I am… and it is all your fault! You made me close the windows so it got all hot in here and now, I have to go get dressed an-"

"Why don't you just go put on a bathrobe?" Nnoitra suggested, not sure why Szayel would even bother putting on a full set of clothes.

"Your robe isn't fire-proof!" Szayel cried, staggering in the dark over to the closet door. "And what kind of…where are my clothes?"

"To the left… near the back of t-"

"Found them!" Szayel pulled a top and some pants off a hanger and began to put them on. "And you just wait here, I'll be back with a solution in a minute! I can't believe I'm going to do this, but hehe…..I love it! I love it! Okay! There! Pants. Good! On! Am I missing anything?"

Nnoitra looked up to see Szayel's faint outline standing in front of him. "Um… Shoes?"

"Oh! Yeah! Shoes! Where?!"

"Closet floor?" Nnoitra was glad that his husband thought of a solution to the lighting problem, but he didn't need to freak out like this every time an idea hit him in the face.

"Yes! Found them! One! Two! Okay. They are on my feet. Now, I will be right back!"

Nnoitra winced as the door to the hallway shut with a slam. Only to open a second later and Szayel appeared right next to his nightstand.

"I need this." He grabbed the useless lamp and disappeared once again.

"Aw…" Nnoitra sat back in bed and closed his eye. He was so glad to have a genius soul-mate, but….sometimes there was only so much creative whirlwind he could take. "Why didn't I fall in love with someone more calm? Oh well… I love Szayel anyway."

* * *

Nnoitra woke with a start to see Szayel standing over him with a wide grin on his face. "Ow! Turn that….It's a…" He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Or that he was seeing at all. "Lamp…"

"Yeah. I'm back!" Came the manic reply. Szayel's mind not able to function well due with all the thoughts going through his head at full speed. "It's bright."

"But…" Nnoitra sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep out of his eye. "Why is the light, purple-pink?"

"Ahhaha…."

"And…wh-" Something suddenly stood out. "Oh no…"

Szayel nodded, too happy to speak. "Yeah…..Hell, yeah…."

Nnoitra looked from the grinning maniac to the lamp that was a long leg mounted on a piece of wood. Sure the leg wasn't perfect and the nice purple high-heel was kind of scratched up, but the leg held the light up high enough so Nnoitra could read the book without bending down. "Don't tell me there will only be one more lamp…"

"How right, you are!" Szayel shoved the stuff off of Nnoitra nightstand and set down the lamp. "I think that I should give it to my brother. He'd like it. And If I may say, he can literally turn it on. Hehe…"

Nnoitra sighed again. "Szayel. Go to bed."

"No, no!" He cried and fixed the all too familiar lampshade. "It's it pretty? I thought Ciricci's skirt was the perfect shape!"

"Yeah… it is, dear… now, you should go to bed."

"I shouldn't!" Szayel cried, too pleased with himself. "I should make the other lamp and it's so awesome, it runs of Riatsu! And I don't know what I should use for the shade… I don't have her head anymore, so I can't use her hair… and so, I… Oh… I could use her ribcage and make it all creepy awesome and-"

Nnoitra pulled Szayel close and wrapped his arms around him. "Now, go to sleep."

"No, no… I said I had to get more-"

"Close your eyes."

Szayel did as he was asked and didn't see any difference. "See, now have my eyes closed and I wonder..what…I should….do… next….with…something….and I'm…really… sleepy… and…" He smiled, suddenly aware of a pair of strong arms around him. Calming all the thoughts in his head. "I just want you to know, I… I really love you."

He waited for a reply, but none came as Nnoitra was already asleep with a small smile on his face.

* * *

Author's note: Ahaha! This idea had to happen. Yeah, Cricci's Dress does look like a lampshade. And yes, I do like A Christmas Story. Hehe. And this chapter is really sweet.


	7. OH NO! NOT AGAIN! ARRGGGHH!

Orihime Inoune slowly woke up the next morning and screamed.

A hand plastered itself over her mouth a second later.

"It's okay, Inoune-san." Rukia Kuchiki whispered, gently pushing the young woman back onto the cot. "You are safe now."

"Safe?!" Orihime got out the second the hand was removed. "What do you mean?! Where is Ulquiorra?! You didn't hurt him, did you?!"

Rukia shook her head. "No. Ichigo did not. But I am sure that he will take care of your captor in due time."

Orihime sat up in bed and looked around the small room with cream patterned wall paper. "Wh… where am I?! And what am I doing here?! I demand to know this min-"

"Calm down, please!" The Soul Reaper begged, wishing someone else was here to help her, but Ishida, Ichigo and Chad were busy talking in the other room. "I know it has been a huge ordeal to-"

Ichigo entered the room with a large smile on his face and his two assistants following him. "Hey, Inoune. Okay?"

"Okay?" She asked, a scowl on her face. "Okay, Ichigo? Come over here and I'll tell you."

"Yeah." Ichigo walked over to the bed and Orihime slapped him across the face.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" she screamed, her hand traveling back the other direction. "Kidnapping me?! I am not going to-I am going to get a few thing clear here, Kurosaki. I am going to back to Hueco Mundo wether you like it or not. Two. Everyone there counts lists like this. Three. I am leaving right this second."

Orihime threw off the covers of her bed and rushed to the door leading into the hallway. Only to freeze. What was this? The wall paper was stripped carnival colors!

She turned around to peer into the hotel room. "Kurosaki-san. Where am I?!"

"The one place I know the Espada will not come rescue you."

"And…" Orihime wasn't sure why they would de-tour this place. "Where is that?'

"The happiest place on earth!" Ichigo swept a kicking woman into his strong, muscular arms. "Disney World!"

* * *

"Are they serious?" Grimmjow snickered, staring up at Tia who just told them the news of Orihime's kidnapping. "Disney World?"

"I guess." Tia said. "That's what this note says anyhow…"

"And what does that say?" Ulquiorra had been out on guard duty and returned to find the one he loved missing. "Read it, now!"

He was going to get Orihime back if it were the last thing he ever did. Who ever took her was going to pay with their life and soul.

"It says… " Tia held up the postcard to her eyes. "Hey, Emo-face. I took your girlfriend. Na-na-na. Ichigo the most awesome. P.s. I took her to the Happiest place on earth. Hahahahaha! And you aren't invited to the wedding."

Grimmjow grabbed the back of Ulquiorra's robe at the last moment. "Calm down, buster! She'll be okay! Hell, she's happy! I mean, not being kidnapped. But where she is! Anyhow, we'll get her back, promise!"

"But…" he wasn't sure what to say. All of this was too much. "I…I love her."

"We know." Grimmjow said while Aaroniero began to sob due to the lack of girlfriend. "And we'll do anything to get her back."

"Which will not be anything." Tia said, knowing what was best be done. "That is how Orihime would want it, wouldn't it?"

Ulquiorra closed his eyes. It was true. Orihime wouldn't want them to rush out to save her at all. "Yes. It would be. And I cannot do anything but respect her wishes to take care of herself. But let me warn you Tia, I will not sit around for ever. One week and I am going to save her."

"Fair enough." Tia smiled a little. "Now, why don't I tell Captain Kid to tell Captain Postcard?"

"Yeah." Nnoitra grinned, too pleased with the interesting event. "Bet the bitch can beat up all those Soul Reapers. Who's got a bottle of water on this bet? Oh, we all think the same, except…Aaroniero… Sexist ass."

"Hey!" Aaroniero cried. "And since when are you a feminist?!"

Nnoitra paused. "Since a woman scrubbed my mouth with a toilet scrubber and forced me to cook and clean while duct-taped to a chair. It's a damn hard job to keep house!"

"…Good point." Aaroniero grinned and skittered to a corner of the room to hide.

* * *

"Say good bye to your two best friends!" Orihime screamed, thrashing in his arms. "And I don't mean the one behind you!"

Ichigo froze_. What? What was that? What two best friends that weren't behin-_

He dropped Orihime on the floor.

And she took off down the hallway, only to skitter back into the room.

"Forgot my purse!" She cried as she dashed back into the stripped hallway and to the steps that were indicated by a large red EXIT sign. At the next landing, Orihime cursed. What was she doing on the 14th floor?! That was too high up to run all the way down!

"But that's what they want!" She cried and threw the door to the 13th floor hallway and rushed to the elevator. "Come on, come on!"

She pressed the button again and again, hoping it would speed up the process, but the elevator was coming at its own pace.

"Shoot!" Orhime could hear the sounds of footsteps heading down the stairs, coming to take her back in captivity. The stairwell door opened and the elevator gave a life-saving 'ding' just as Ichigo ran up to her. She dashed inside and pressed 'L' and the door slid shut.

"Ah…" Orihime slid to the floor and smiled. "Safe."

Suddenly her phone gave a loud ring. _'Cause I ain't not Hollaback Girl! Ain't no-_"Hello?!"

"Hello, this is Tia."

Orhime gasped. "Tia, how did you-"

"Ulquiorra gave me your number. Listen carefully to what I have to say and then I will hand him the phone for a minute."

"Yes." Orihime said, glancing up at the numbers that were down to 10 by now.

"We are not rushing to save you and that is final. We are giving you a week to get out of this mess yourself and if you can do it, you may join the Espada as we are in serious need of sensible women to-Nnoitra! Shut up! Do I have to scrub your mouth again?!- do you understand, Orihime?"

The young woman nodded, tears of happiness running down her face. They were not rushing to save her! "Yes. Yes I do."

"And, if you can," Tia added, "Bring us a post card and more water."

"Yes, of course." Orhime was so happy. They loved her! They frickin' loved her!

"Here is Ulquiorra." Tia handed the phone to the First Espada who she could tell was trying his best not to let his sadness show or tears creep out of his eyes. "You have one minute."

Ulquiorra put the phone up to his ear. "Hello. I want to come save you. But I know you can do it all on your own."

Orhime loved the sound of his voice. How she missed it already. "Thank you. Thank you for letting me prove my worth."

"No matter worth." He sat down in Tia's vanity table chair. "I love you no matter what."

"And…" Orhime wanted to speak, but her voice was cracking. "I love you too. I love you so much and I will be home as soon as I can."

"I look forwards to seeing you smile again." Ulquiorra confessed, finally letting his emotions show. "And take care."

"Oh I will." She replied. "Ichigo is going to be sorry he kidnapped me!"

"Let's hope!" someone cried in the background, making her laugh.

"And tell everyone thanks and that I'll see them soon too." Orhime added, feeling like her minute was almost over. "And Ulquiorra…I love you."

A long silence followed.

"Between you and I." Tia's quite voice came over the phone line. "Bring some tissues back. Ulquiorra's rather…"

"I understand." Orhime said, stepping out into the lobby of the hotel. "It's good for him to cry and I will be there soon to wipe away his tears."

Tia smiled faintly. "Good girl."

With that, she hung up, leaving Orhime Inoune on her own in the happiest place on earth.

* * *

Author's Notes: What happened here?! Why did Orihime get kidnapped again?! AHHH! Anyhow, I really love this chapter and things are going to start speeding up here! Thanks for reading along!


	8. A Need For a Beer Mug

"Wow…" Grimmjow couldn't help but mutter. "I didn't know…"

"That he could cry so much." Szayel hated to say it, but Ulquiorra who had taken to him for comfort (for some bazaar, unknown reason), was really destroying the shoulder of his nice shirt with tears.

"But…" Szayel gave Grimmjow a look. "Oh well?"

"AhAHAHAAAAA!" Was all Nnnoitra could say to the current and very shocking event taking place right before his very eyes. "He's crying like baby! HAHAHAHAAHAAAA! It's so funny!"

"What nice beside manner you have…" Tia muttered, not sure what to say beside that. "Aaroniero?" She asked, watching him stare at the scene like a deer in the headlights.

The Fifth Espada slowly glanced her way, a shy grin on his face. "Uh… Tia… I hate to say this… But…"

"AHHAHAHAHAH-" Nnoitra shut up immediately and turned to Aaroniero. "What did you say?!"

"I…" He looked down. "I think I wet myself."

Ulquiorra just sobbed louder.

* * *

_One week to escape. It shouldn't be that hard...Ichigo can't be seen by others and I am sure he doesn't want to cause a scene.…_ Orihime thought to herself as she walked up to the front desk of the beautiful hotel that had elegant look she was too busy to notice. "Hello."

"Hello." The man behind the counter said in English. "How can I help you?"

"What hotel am I at?"

"You, miss, are at the Dolphin Hotel at Walt Disney World."

"Wonderful!" Orhime pretended to squeal. "Do you have a tourist guide for me? I wanna go see all there is of Disney!" When she was younger, her brother had gotten her a copy of beauty and the beast that was dubbed in Japanese. She always loved the story and would have been rather pleased to find herself in the all famed Disney World if she had not been brought by force. "And, I hear you have… Princesses?"

"Yes. We do." The man said with a smile. "We have Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Ariel, Tiana, Mulan, Pocohantas, Belle and-"

"Where can I see Belle?" Orhime decided she was going to make the most of the trip and, by looking at the restaurant menu, rack Ichigo up a very, very large bill. (As a parting gift of course!) "She's my favorite Princess!"

"Well." The man who Orihime finally noted was named Albert from Kenya, reached over and picked up a small sheet with colored writing off the counter. "Here is a time sheet for all the parks and… Belle should be appearing in Epcot's little France at 1:00 today. Do you want a ticket?"

"Of course!" Orhime laughed, half smirking at Ichigo who just walked up behind her unnoticed by all the humans. "And how much is that?"

"$189." The man replied with a smile.

"I'll take it!" She cried, "And charge it to a Kurosaki, Ichigo. Fourteenth floor."

"Of course, miss. And here is your ticket."

"And, where are the other princesses?"

"In all the parks." Albert replied, handing her the current EPCOT Map. "Have a magical day!"

Orhime smiled and danced out of the hotel, leaving Ichigo feeling very, very broke having only 6 real dollars to his name. But she wasn't going to stop there. No, no….

From what the map said, EPCOT had over a 100 shops!

"And I'm going to get everyone a gift!" Orhime was so happy she found the perfect way to get revenge. Hit them where it hurt. The pocket book no less!

"First. Let's see… Who should I start with first?…" She stopped walking down the wooden walkways of Disney's Boardwalk that held all of the hotels for the EPCOT Park and made it easier for the guests to access the park. "AH! Little France is first if I go to the right when I get inside. I'll see if they have anything for Tia-san!"

Orhime ran up to the security station that checked her purse before letting her enter the park. "And." She continued talking to herself as she walked across the bridge towards Little France that was part of the 'World Showcase'. The world famous attraction was situated around a large lake that was used for the nightly firework show. The tiny fake country of France looked like a small Paris with a tiny Eiffel tower for a perfect touch. "I'm going to get Grimmjow a beer mug from Little Germany! He'd love that! And I'm going to get him something from Little Japan too! Maybe he would like Hello Kitty!"

Three hours later, Orhime had found the perfect gift for Tia in the perfume shop ($300) and ate in Morocco ($200) and bought Ulquiorra a beautiful green scarf to hide his 'Trash Only' Tattoo Tia put around his hollow hole. ($300) and it started to rain, so she needed a poncho ($8) (Hey, it had Mickey Mouse on it!) and after being over whelmed with all of the amazing things in Japan and buying everyone something from there, ($1736) Orhime headed to Little America.

"And…" She stared at the menu of the Fife and Drum. "I really need a drumstick and some funnel cake. ($30) Now… Who do I have left? Szayel-san, Gilga-san…. Oh! Aaroniero-san! And Grimmjow-sensei. Still need that beer glass!"

After finishing her snack, Orhime headed to Italy and didn't find anything new beside a whole bunch of candy for herself. ($83) "But wait…" She paused halfway out the door. "Maybe… Szayel-sama would like a new notebook." ($50)

"And a nice costume made liter beer mug for Grimmjow." ($283)

"And I want it to say, 'Kitty' on it." She told the woman at the beer-mug stand that had a huge selection of mugs and shot glasses. "And can you put a picture of… TIgger on it?"

"Sure." The woman said.

"Great!" Orihime turned to smirk at Ichigo who had been following her this whole time with a defeated look on his face. "And, can get a second?"

* * *

Author's Notes: Hehe. I love this chapter so much. I love EPCOT at Walt Disney World so much. My personal favorite is Little Italy. Anyhow, Ichigo is now a very, very broke Soul Reaper. And yes. The rain gear is $8. Hehe. And the part with Aaroniero comes from The Golden Girls. Of which I love as well.


	9. Monopoly Sucks!

Soon Orihime had finished her shopping with finally going back to Little China to pick up a decorative sword for Nnoitra's wall, ($10,000) and was now sitting outside on a bench, staring at the large lake that was in the middle of the World Showcase. "Okie… I have… Six presents for Ulquiorra… Two for Tia… one for Nnoitra…two things for Szayel. Thought he might like something from Little Britain and a whole mass of… various toys for Aaroniero. How odd. Oh well! I'm not paying for it!"

Ichigo threw himself in the water.

If he died, he didn't have to pay!

"What do you think she's up to?" Ulquiorra asked Grimmjow the tenth time that day. The Espada were all taking a hour break in the kitchen before they all went to sleep.

"I have no idea." Grimmjow said, throwing the dice onto the board that was lit by the Purple/Pink light of the Leg Lamp. "But who ever left us with only Monopoly is going to die."

"Too bad." Szayel muttered across the board. "Azien's already dead. And all the other games were tossed out the window."

"Why?!" Aaroniero screamed. He couldn't take it! He hated this game! "I don't wanna pay income tax!"

"You don't have to." Szayel pointed to the square on the board. "You can just pay $200."

"But I don't have $200!"

"So," Szayel suddenly picked up the board and with a swift movement, threw the game out the open window. "You all want to do something else?"

"Why don't we watch a movie?" Grimmjow suggested, knowing it would take everyone's minds off of Orihime's absence. "Or not." He corrected himself as he remembered that Tia ordered the electricity only be used for needed things.

"We could tell stories…" Ulquiorra suggested, only to hear a chorus of 'boo'es'.

"Or," Nnoitra began, a wide grin creeping across his face, the pink glow of the leg lamp making everybody shiver. "We could play hide and go seek."

"….Really?" Szayel snorted. "That's a stupid idea."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?!"

"Why don't we just to to sleep?" Szayel said and heard a chorus of yawns due to the mire suggestion. "I am correct. So, I shall be leaving all who can see in the dark with the Lamp Leg and going to my room." He got out of his chair and swiped the lamp off the table and marched out of the room.

"It's such a pain." Nnoitra said as he ran after him down the hallway. "Aaroniero, Ulquiorra and Grimmjow can all see in the dark. And what can we see? Nothing."

"I know…" Szayel handed him the leg lamp to carry. "It doesn't really work out does it?"

"Not at all.." Nnoitra wished he could use soindo, but he did not want to risk running into something he couldn't see. "Are we there yet?"

Szayel laughed. "No. Not yet. We are not even out of the main-here's the door and…"

"WOW!" Nnoitra gasped as the bright light of the moon lit up the world beyond Los Noches. "Why don't we pound some windows into this stupid ass fortress?!"

"That is a good idea. Aizen was an idiot who only put two windows in this whole place."

"Yeah…" Nnoitra hated the sand in Hueco Mundo. Why? He just did. Or maybe it was because little hollows kept trying to bite his toes off. "But what really makes me confused is WHY Aaroniero was still here today. Wasn't he supposed to go pick up the order of water?"

"Yes." Szayel sighed and wrapped his hands around Nnoitra's waist. "But Tia forgot that it would take a good three days to get that much water to an Island nation. Anyhow, I know you've been wanting to talk to me all day… is something troubling you?"

"Not really…But I have been wondering if I would invalidating your rant the other day if I asked if you wanted to sleep with me tonight."

Szayel smiled. "Oh, Nnoitra. You're so funny. I was just telling Grimmjow off for all the weird thoughts that float around in that empty head of his! And so, in reply to your very interesting and entertaining question. Yes."

* * *

Author's note: Poor Ichigo's wallet. On another note, the next chapter is not what you would think. As I have said before, the romance will not go above a PG-13 level. So, no. I have scarse internet for the time being and will update as soon as possible. Thanks for reading, everyone!


	10. This Chapter Is Not What You Think It Is

Tia woke up to a small knocking sound on her bedroom door. She glanced over her shoulder at Grimmjow who was purring away, deep asleep. "Come in."

The door creaked open to reveal a very tired Ulquiorra standing in the dark hallway.

Tia pulled up the blankets to her chin to cover her semi-see-through nightdress. "May I help you?"

"I cannot sleep." Came the reply.

"Why?"

"Well.. Orihime isn't here. And I… miss her very much." Ulquiorra confessed, confused about his problem. He had never had trouble falling asleep before in his life. "And I am very… tired."

Tia smiled a little. She knew exactly what was confusing him. "You just… you love Orihime. So, not having her here is… different. And this one here…" She pointed to Grimmjow who let out a yawning 'meow' "Kept me up forever. Until I discovered ear plugs. Anyhow, Ulquiorra. Do you want a couch?'

"I already have one." The First Espada replied, not understanding what she was saying.

"I know you already have one!" Tia snapped, making Ulquiorra jump. "Okay, sorry about that. What I was going to say was… do you need company? I have plenty of-"

Tia sighed. Of course. The stoic one would be the one to instantly curl up between her and Grimmjow like a little child. "Floor…Fine… Stay there."

"…Thanks." Ulquiorra was already half-asleep.

"No problem…" Tia rolled over and closed her eyes.

* * *

"LOOK!" Szayel cried the next day. Pointing at the large wrapped box that appeared right out side of Nnoitra's room. "Look at this! And it is not even my birthday!"

"SHH! Tia is still sleeping! And why… " Nnoitra hated to point this out, "Is it addressed to me?"

"Aw… that sucks!" Szayel liked presents… he liked them very much, "Who would want to send you one anyway?"

"You?"

"Oh. You're right." Szayel took the card off and handed it to Nnoitra to read. "What does it say?"

"It says…" Nnoitra wasn't sure if he could read this hand writing or not… It was all… curvy. "Hi, piggle…."

"Give me that!" Szayel snatched the note out of his hands and held it up to his eyes. "It says, Hello, Nnoitra. I found this present for you. This Hollow Vasto Lorde is a traitor and we need to know who gave him classified information about Tia's plans. (Make him talk any way you can.) Please mail us back a report at this address - Eleventh Company - Soul Society - 91119. Don't bother to send the body. Farewell, Yylfordt. Awe.. How nice of him to send us this…" Szayel really wanted to open the box, but figured Nnoitra wanted to do the job. "And here is the note. My brother's cursive is standard, but…You don't know cursive do you?"

"Why would I?" Nnoitra removed the bow and began to shred the paper. "English is hard enough to read. I don't need pretty writing."

"True." Szayel stood back so the box could be set on the hallway in front of Nnoitra's bedroom door. "And what do we have here?"

"Ah…" Nnoitra pulled back the cardboard flaps and looked inside the box. A wide grin spread across his face. "Yummy, yummy frog."

Azzero Jhasion whimpered under the duct tape and rope.

"So, what now?" Szayel asked Nnoitra after he tied the last knot in the rope that hung the Vasto Lorde from the cealing of Zommari's meditation room like a punching bag. The room had not been used since the seventh Espada past so it was rather dusty and neglected. "And are you sure Tia won't mind us turning on the lights?" This was the one place that Ulquiorra had not taped the switches down.

" I don't think so. Not for this. We need to get him to talk.." Nnoitra just wanted to eat the frog. Not beat him up and actually do something productive with his prey. "And then, we eat him."

"Good idea." Szayel agreed, sitting down the wooden floor and crossing his legs. "It's not everyday we get to eat Vasto Lorde. Masked or not. Should give both of us considerable power. Speaking of which, should I finally give in and eat Ciricci? I kind of wanted to see how much stuff I could make out of her, but Tia's ration plan has been leaving me too hungry."

"There will be other hollows." Nnoitra stretched his hands to the sky, figuring it was best to warm up before this interrogation. "I say in times like this, listen to your stomach."

"Good idea. I shall make the second lamp and then get a'munchin'."

* * *

Szayel watched Nnoitra do a condensed version of his morning exercises and woke up with a start. "What?!"

"Szayel." Nnoitra couldn't help but laugh. "You fell asleep. Now I am ready to get Froggy over there to talk."

"And? What do you need me for?" Szayel asked, yawning as he sat up. "You're doing all the punching."

"Yeah. I know. But I need you to get a recorder so we can send them a tape back with the information."

"Good idea." Szayel stood up and left the room with the lamp. He soon returned with a video camera and a external Microphone which he set up so not a second would be missed. "And, we are rolling."

* * *

"AHHH!" Grimmjow screamed, finding Ulquiorra curled up in the bed between him and Tia. "What is he doing here?!"

"Shh, Grimmjow!" Tia scolded, not wanting to wake the sleeping one. "He was lonely and so… I took pity on him. Now, it is time to get up."

"Tia!" Grimmjow couldn't believe her. "Take pity! This… Emo-thing drooled all over my pillow!"

Ulquiorra sat up. " Um, excuse me, Grimmjow… But I think… you were the one drooling…"

"It was not!" He never, ever, ever, ever drooled. "Tia, Tell him it wasn't-"

"Grimmjow… It was you as it was nice to wake up for once and accidentally roll over onto a dry pillow!"

With that, Grimmjow threw the covers over his head. "Well, excuse me for drooling. I am a big cat."

Tia and Ulquiorra shared a look. One big slobbering cat, that is.

* * *

Author's note: Nnoitra is not stupid, it is just that Yylfordt's cursive is akin to the elegant mess of the turn of the 20th century. I doubt Tia, Grimmjow or any of the other Espada could figure it out. And I have iffy-internet at the moment, so you all know.


	11. Disney Jukebox

The phone gave a loud ring.

Tia Harribel look away from her vanity mirror where Apache and Sung-sun were styling her bright yellow hair. "Mel-rose, get that, please."

"Yes, my lady." Mel-rose walked over to her lady's white desk and picked up the ringing device. "Hello, this is Mel-rose, one of Queen Harribel's personal assistants, how may I help you?"

"Hello." A calm voice said from the other end, glad someone finally picked up. "This is Torshiro, Captain of the Tenth Company. May I speak with your queen?"

"Of course." Mel-rose handed the phone to Apache who handed it to Tia.

"Hello?" The Null Espada said into the mouth piece."Oh, it is you. Wonderful. I have been wanting to talk with you and I just have not gotten the chance to yet as-yes. Exactly…now I wanted to talk to you about someway that our two kingdoms could talk to one another without any destruction. Oh, I am so glad you feel the same way I do. Yes. The human world? I don't think so…The Soul Reapers might take try to ivade while we are gone and…no, no… I don't really want to come to Soul Society… I just have a bad feeling about it. You do too? Ah… that's good."

"From what I am hearing," Torshiro glared at Matsumoto who opened yet another bottle of sake. "The only way to get anything talk about would to come to Hueco Mundo…I don't like the idea, but you are right, Harribel. We are the only two sane people in the universe. Although I am sure I can talk to some of the other captains here and get them to come. Between you and I, many of us here in Soul Society are getting rather annoyed with 'All Espadas are evil'. Not that you are not lost souls who should return to the light, but I do see where we need a balance after what happened with the Quinsys ages ago. One kingdom cannot be stronger than the other and to keep the worlds in balance, I shall see what I can do to persaude some of the Captians to a peace dinner. Or so I hope."

"Don't worry." Tia told him. "Everyone here knows what I will do to them if they act out of turn. And if you find a few hollows you want to bring as a housewarming gift, please do so as Aaroniero decided to steal from the rations last night. So, today, he is getting none at all."

"Will do. I am sorry about the food situation." Torshiro knew that anyone in Soul Society who was forced to be on rations would be a pain to deal with.

* * *

"What?! Mashed potatoes again?!"

Grimmjow looked from the tray of very warm and yummy food to the Diva Soul Reaper who had been giving all of them an amazing amount of pain ever since he came. So much so, Szayel, Aaroniero Nnoitra and even Ulquiorra were no longer allowed to bring him food. "Yumichika… just eat these… this is twice as much as I get. In a day! And we all out here are starving now. Okay? Because all the normal hollows were eaten by the Menoes! And all of the Menos decided to eat one another and we are down to almost nothing to eat as all of the Adjuches ARE fracciones! And there are only six others wandering around!"

"Do you have salt?" The Soul Reaper asked, ignoring the rant.

"No. We've been through this!" Grimmjow cried, setting the plate on the small table in his room. "We are hollows. We don't have condiments!"

"Aw…" Yumichika sighed and sat down in the table chair. "But… don't you have anything to put on these?"

"Ah… Nothing a Soul Reaper could eat. Sorry, pal."

"Well, go out and get some!" Yumichika ordered, pointing to the door. "These look un-beautiful! I am not eating them."

Grimmjow turned and walked out the room before he destroyed everything in it. "Tia….Tia…TIA!"

She appeared next to him, her hair still in the middle of being styled for the day. "What is it?"

"Diva there wants beautiful Mashed Potatoes."

Tia let out a long sigh. "How do we do that?"

"No damn clue! We used the last Paper Umbrella yesterday!"

"Shame." Tia glanced into the room where the Soul Reaper was making faces at his ugly food. "But on a good note, I called Captain Kid and we are trying to piece together a nice peace talk luncheon. Of which, everyone will be on their best behavior for. And, Grimmjow, meet me in the throne room after you serve Diva here, his food."

"Will do!" Grimmjow saluted and headed back into the decent sized room to give the picky Soul Reaper his 'new and improved' mashed potatoes.

* * *

"Today." Tia said from her throne after everyone assembled and waiting for orders. "We shall be cleaning this place top to bottom. Why? And because Captain kid agreed to see about a peace-talk luncheon and so I wish for this place to be clean. Hakuna Matata, my subjects! All shall be better soon. "

"What?" Grimmjow wasn't sure if she was starting to spew gibberish or what.

"It's a wonderful phrase." Tia grouched, sitting back in her throne. If her palace was clean she would be happy and carefree for the rest of time. "That means not to have any worries."

"But why should I worry?" Grimmjow asked, still not understanding anything that was going on today.

"And why should I care?" Aaroniero added.

"Because, it's a wonderful day." Tia shot back, not wanting to argue with her subjects.

"Chim-chimmie…" Szayel muttered, not liking the way that Grimmjow was heading over to the wall of the throne room he was sure held cleaning supplies. "A sweep is as lucky…"

"But the best thing to do when given a task like this…" Grimmjow opened the closet and pulled out six various cleaning tools. From a mop to a large broom. "Is to whistle while you work."

"Oh great…" Telsa scowled as the broom was thrust into his hands. "High-ho… off to work we go…"

"But you know…" Nnoitra figured it was worth saying, "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."

Everyone groaned loudly only to have Tia add, "I'll make men out of you by the time you're done cleaning! Get to work, you lazy-"

Aaroniero handed her the feather duster. "Someday your prince will come…."

"Oh, shut up!" Tia wished she didn't have to clean at all, but she knew she would never get away with it. "Red, yellow, green, pink, blue, pink, grey!"

"The many colors of the wind…" Grimmjow coughed as a cloud of dust wafted into the air. "Night and day it's wash the dishes, do the mopping…"

Ulquiorra walked into the throne room and slid into the shadows as not to be noticed. "I'm just a little black rain cloud… pay no attention to little-"

"HEY!" Aaroniero screamed, stopping his mopping job so quickly, he knocked the bucket over. "Ulquiorra just came in and is not cleaning!"

Grimmjow growled and marched over to the Little Black Raincloud and shoved another mop in it's hands. "Be our guest… Put your service to the test."

"You'll bring honor to us all." Tia snickered, taking a moment to dust off Aaroniero's head. "And even you can't blow it."

"Hey, I can go the distance!" Aaroniero wasn't going to be left in the dust! He could clean just as well as everyone else here, thank you. "And I, unlike you, have a blue bird on my shoulder!"

Szayel glanced up from his sweeping and rolled his eyes. "A dream is a wish your heart makes…"

"Awe, feed the birds!"

"Meh! Supercalifraglisticexpialidocious!"

"Guys!" Ulquiorra stepped in between the two before they began hitting each other with cleaning supplies. "I'm wishing…"

Aaroniero and Szayel set their mop and brooms on the ground. "Bibbity-bobbity-booooo!"

The First Espada gave Tia a long, long stare from across the room. This whole cleaning thing really wasn't working out the way that they thought it would. She sighed and continued to dust off her throne.

Hours later all of them were sprawled on the floor of one of the many hallways of Los Noches. Cleaned out, sung out and otherwise completely tired.

"What now?" Aaroniero asked of all of them, the top of the mop now sitting on his glass domed head. Giving him a very interesting and very dirty wig. "We only got 1/6th of this place cleaned today."

"We need more songs…" Nnoitra complained, wishing that the hallways were not 5 feet wide. "Like, lots more."

"Agreed." Telsa was laying on top of the Old Married Couple who were to tired to protest. "I want… 70's music."

"Rock and roll!" Grimmjow yelled, making everybody wince, their ears were burned out by the last chorus of Minnie's Yoo-hoo. "Because it's awesome!"

"How about…" Szayel hated to say this, but everyone was over looking a wonderful kind of music. "Music called, No Music. It's an… alternative kind that really is just…"

"We aren't buying it." Tia snapped, feather duster sticking out of her shirt. "I want Diana Ross."

"EW!" Nnoitra screamed,almost making Telsa jump. "Not girly music like that shi-ow! Tia!"

"Sh-ow." Ulquiorra muttered from where he was laying a good ten feet away from the group. "It should be a new word… Like Sham-wow."

"What is Sham-wow?"

"No idea, Spoonhead. I just made it up. Now, I want Orihime back."

"It hasn't been a week yet…"

"I know, Grimmjow. But I miss her very much and all."

"Hey," Szayel began, an idea coming to mind. "If we get her back, will you take over your old job that Grimmjow is Royally Sucking at?"

"Yes."

"THEN!" Aaroniero's faces grinned. "Let's go get her!"

"Not so fast!" Tia screamed as everyone stood. "I told her, one week! Is that clear?! Anyone who leaves now will be blasted into pieces and if those pieces still move, kicked out!"

A chorus of, 'okay, fine.' 'Party-pooper.' 'And yes, Lady Tia' was heard and everyone laid back down on the floor. They just wanted to have fun! Sitting around here cleaning was like watching grass grow while Orihime figured out an escape plan all by herself.

And by the end of the day at EPCOT, she had figured out quite a scheme that was so simple, it was laughable.

* * *

Author's note: Yes. That just happened. The Espada were so bored, they began to sing Disney Songs... And Yumichika makes their lives a living hell. ("What?! Just plain water?! I want sugar around the edges of the glass!" Griimmjow sighed and went back to the kitchen.) And I don't think that Aaroniero realizes how scary Tia can be...


	12. Yylfordt, Toss The Sushi Out The Window

"So," Yylfordt wondered as he sat down in the Third Company living room with Nelliel, shocked to find the whole place was oddly void of furniture and decor. Save the low table and the appliances. "What happened to breakfast?"

Nelliel looked at the empty table and up at her friend. "I have no idea. I was gone all day yesterday and you were out with your friends and…I have no idea where all the Hollow went. It was all the fridge."

"How odd." Yylfordt stood up and walked into the kitchen with the tiny Espada at his heels. "But what is more odd is that, Ishida, Chad and Ichigo are not here. They left you and your Fracciones in charge, didn't he?"

"Yeah. Ichigo left yesterday for the human world. Somewhere called…Disney I think. " Nelliel opened the normal sized refrigerator that was next to the modern stove that Ishida insisted on installing. "And yes, Ichigo did leave me and my Fracciones in charge and thankfully my brothers are gone at the moment. I don't want them to know you're here talking with me of all things."

"Understood." Yylfordt sighed and sat back down at the table after glancing around for any sign of Donnchika and Pesche who he sensed sitting by a pond a few kilometers away. "And to be 100% Honest, I don't really want to meet them either."

"But you all have to learn to get along." Nelliel pointed out, sitting across the table with a piece of plain bread in hand. "This should tide me over for a while."

"Where it all went, I must know for they really love the sushi around here." Yylfordt was getting rather desperate for some decent food. In fact, at this point he was starting to think that begging on hands and knees might do the trick. "How do you get them to cut it out?"

"Well…" Nelliel wished she had a solution, but… "You don't. You just say thanks and toss it out the window when they aren't looking."

"But how do you not starve?!"

"Ichigo's so nice. He always brings me hollow to eat."

"But now it's gone…."

"Yes, Yylfordt-san. It is. That's because Ichigo is gone. He took it with him."

"And?!" He threw his hands into the air. "Ichigo needs a whole hollow?!"

"Yes." Nelliel said with a small smile. "Because he's a vizard."

"And…?"

"Vizards may be human, but can still evolve in the same manner as we hollows. I have a horrid feeling we will soon have a Menos Grande as a captain."

"So…" Yylfordt stroked his stubbly chin. (No way was he using one of the scary straight blades around here to shave!) He was starting to get the picture. "Does anyone else know that Ichigo has a hollow hankering, Nelliel-sama?"

"Not yet. Rukia is starting to get curious though… But how I am going to cover up a 30 story Gilligan is a mystery…."

"Well…" Yylfordt knew how, but he wasn't sure if he should voice the idea at all as it might get him a slap in the face. "I kinda have one… Szayel can make copies of people…. But yeah. That idea sucks."

"Big time." Nelliel was glad he came up with an 'okay' idea. But seriously?! They ask Szayel for help? She'd rather turn into a tiny baby. "But we do have to think of something. And in the next month."

"Okie…and do you have any other ideas that don't involve groveling?"

"No." Nelliel said with a frown. "I don't. But there has to be a way…we could dress someone up like Ichigo…but then, where would we hide Gilligan Ichigo?"

"No clue." Yylfordt said. "I don't know anything about Soul Society besides they love to shove sushi down your throat, shave with their swords and go hunting. It is honestly a very repulsive society compared to the modern world we come from. At least we have electric razors there…."

"We could hide Ichigo in a prison cell…" Nelliel suggested, having gotten a whole tour when she arrived. "They had one all ready for Aizen, but… It's not being used."

"But we can't do any Soul Reaper 'Magic'." Yylfordt pointed out, wishing that there were more mints in the small candy dish on the table. "And, everyone will hear him screaming all the time. There is no way to actually gag a Gilligan. Aaroniero is a good example of how loud they can be."

Nelliel made a face. "Ewsh… you're right…"

"No Prison Cell. Are we clear?"

"Yeah…" Nelliel agreed. "No one in Soul Society would sleep ever again…"

"But…" Yylfordt hated to bring it up, but he was near to starving. "We could…you know… eat him… do everyone a favor…."

"Um… Not a horrid idea… but I really like Ichigo…"

"Haven't met him," Yylfordt slunk under the table to curl up in a ball. "But I suppose he's nice… ish. But really. We need to think of something…"

"Agreed." Nelliel climbed on top of the table and sprawled out. "And why they took the sleeping cots with them, I have no idea."

"And why I didn't have to pay for postage to send Froggy to Nnoitra, I don't know. Anyhow, the mysteries of life are just making me tired….But Nelliel, do you ever meet people who just feel like…family?"

"Yes, of course." She replied, deciding to take all the tissues out of the box to make a pillow instead. "Donnchikka and Pesche are like my brothers."

"Good. Then you understand. Good night Nelliel-san."

"Good night Yylfordt-san."

"Hey, Nelliel?'

"What? I thought we were saying good night."

"We were." Yylfordt said. "But I just wanted to point out how weird it is to actually have a night and day."

"Yeah… It took me a while too. Sleep well."

Ikkaku dashed into the Third Company house and froze in the living room doorway. The two were too cute to wake up. Nelliel was on top of the table, her eyes shut and cute kid drool was making a mess. Yylfordt on the other hand was curled up under the table, snoring loudly. "Aw… it's just…" He glanced up at Kenpachi appeared behind him. "Too cute."

"Yeah." The Captain mumbled, just wanting to get this whole mess over with. "Ikkaku, wake them."

"Yes, sir." The Soul Reaper walked over to Nelliel and tapped her on the shoulder. "Um… Nel? It's time to get up."

"Aw…" She yawned, eyes still closed. "Go away."

"But, you need to get up." Ikkaku tapped her shoulder a little harder this time.

"Why?"

"Because…you reall-"

"Hey! I'm up, sir! I'm- OW!"

Ikkaku glanced down just in time to see Yylfordt crawl out from under the table, rubbing his hollow mask gingerly. "Glad you're up…"

"Ow…." Was all the Arrancar said as he stood and fixed his blonde hair the best he could. "Hey Ikkaku. What do you need?"

"We got…A email with video footage from Hueco Mundo with information on it that your Santa Teresa dug up. Mayrui put it on a tape so we can watch it."

"Then don't wake Nelliel." Yylfordt plucked his friend's hand off the other's shoulder. "She doesn't need to see this."

"True. She's just a kid."

"Yeah." Yylfordt went along with Ikkaku's reasoning. "And why are you Soul Reapers watching the tape."

"Because, it was sent to us and we need to know which hollows we can gather information fro-"

"Ikkaku. There are no hollows to gather information from." Yylfordt glanced around the room for a spare blanket for Nelliel. After seeing none, he took off his white coat and draped it over the small child. "If Azzero confessed, then the hollows are dead. Santa Teresa would be swift to hunt them down and eat them."

"So," Kenpachi sighed heavily. "This tape is no use to us."

Yylfordt nodded. "Unless you like Torture-flicks."

"I'll give it to Mayuri."

"Speaking of which, " Ikkaku was hit by a wonderful thought. "We should still watch it! If we did, we could learn about the Espada and-"

"Are you…serious." Yylfordt found himself sitting in the living room of the Eleventh Company in front of a viewing screen with Kenpachi, Ikkaku, Mayrui, Nemu and Hanngan who made popcorn, ten minutes later. "We aren't going to learn anything from this."

"But we will." Hanngan handed him a cup of popcorn as he walked by. "The Espada have their resurrection forms, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"We'll get to see them and Mayrui can figure out their weaknesses!"

The Soul Reaper Scientist smiled widely, making Yylfordt scoot a good five inches towards Ikkaku who had the same thought at the same time. Resulting in Kenpachi being a little more squished on the end of the couch. "Yeah… we will."

"So?" Hanngan sat right down next to Mayrui in the space made by his two nervous friends, "Why don't we start the film?"

The Twelfth Captain nodded and pressed the play button.

The screen flickered to life to show a close up of an upside down hollow with a smiling frog mask.

"And here is our captive. What ever your name is." A cold-smooth voice narrated from behind the camera. "And he is going to give-"

'You can stop with the narration." A loud and sightly coarse voice said from the left.

"Why? I like narration!"

"We aren't on the stage! This is film! Completely different."

A loud sigh was heard. "Nnoitra. I know what I am doing. So, cut the narration. We are here to get information from this frog who I may add has very nice legs that you will love to eat later."

"Yeah." Nnoitra said from the background. "But what I want to know is, stuffed or not stuffed?"

"I don't know. I don't like frog legs."

"True."

"And…" Hanngan stuffed some more popcorn in his mouth as Nnoitra came in sight of the camera. "Why doesn't he have his sword?"

"They don't need them for a simple interrogation." Yylfordt replied, not sure if he wanted to watch this. "Now be quite, Szayel's narration is important. I think."

"Szayel. Your bro." With so many crazy names in Yylfordt's world, Ikkaku wanted to make sure he got them right.

"Yeah. My bro. And Captain Kenpachi, that is Nnoitra. The guy I said is taller than you."

The Captain stared at the screen. "Ah… I see."

"Hey!" Hanngan cried three minutes later, shocked by the film so far. "Why isn't tall guy there even test punching Froggy? I mean I would-"

Yylfordt reached over and put a hand over Hanngan's mouth so he could listen.

"Hey," Nnoitra stared at the camera, the angle wasn't the most flattering, but it hardly mattered. "Szayel. Get over here. I am scared if I punch this thing, my hand is going to go right through him."

"And how do you know that?" Szayel walked into the picture. He was dressed in his usual white and was also missing a sword.

"Because, I tapped his mask and he screamed."

"Don't you think he's just nervous?"

"Nah. No hollow is that low."

Szayel glanced from the captive to Nnoitra. "I guess you are right." He bent down to peer at the shaking figure. "Hey, Froggy… wanna talk?"

"No!" Azzero cried, thankful the tape was removed from his mouth minutes ago. "I won't!"

"And why not?"

"Because I will never, ever tell!"

Szayel rolled his amber eyes and peered over his glasses at the captive. "Really? Okay. Let me lay it out for you then. Nnoitra and I here could play a nice game of hangman and every time we guess wrong, you lose a piece."

"That is hardly a threat, winged one."

"Are you saying that I am weak?" Szayel inquired, his voice dangerously cold. "Is that what you think?"

"With a tone like that, anyone would know you are faking."

Yylfordt shrunk back in his seat, knowing exactly what was going to happen as Szayel stood up and squared his shoulders. A spare hand reaching up to fix his glasses while the other put a piece of pink hair behind the ear.

There was a long pause and Szayel suddenly whipped around with the heel of his foot and a loud cracking sound echoed in the empty room.

"Woah…" Hanngan stared at the screen with wide eyes. "What did he just…."

"He just…" Yylfordt hardly noticed his own hands on his head. "Cracked that guy's mask."

"With…" Popcorn fell out of Ikkaku's mouth. "His foot."

"Yeah…" Yylfordt hated to say this but, "Which is a really bad thing… as last time I saw him, he couldn't do that."

"So…" Kenpachi yawned as he watched the tied up hollow scream In agony. "He's stronger, right?"

Yylfordt gave the captain a nervous look. "Yeah. And that gives me a horrible disadvantage."

"Because?" Hanngan couldn't believe that what this guy just did took a good soul reaper one heavy blow with their spirit sword.

"Give me the popcorn. Because, " Yylfordt didn't care it tasted horrible, he just needed something. "I can't evolve anymore."

"And why not?" Ikkaku wanted to see Szayel do that again!

"Because… a part of me was eaten by another hollow."

"Weird. Anyhow, everyone quite. Mask breaker's talking!" Mayrui scolded, wanting to enjoy the torture flick he was getting to watch. "Will it get more bloo-okay. That's better."

"So, you will start talking will you?' Nnoitra asked from the back of the room where he was watching Szayel have a some entertainment.

The Vasto Lorde only moaned.

"You know…" Szayel glanced over his shoulder. "I think it is a good thing you didn't punch him."

"Yeah… I know." Came the reply. "Now get the information."

"Will do." Szayel turned back to Azzero. "Talk and I won't be forced to remove all of your organs, okie? In a game called, Too Bad for the Loser."

"…I promi-" Another foot connected with his ribs.

"That's not what I want to hear before breakfast." Szayel tried his best not to just sink his teeth into this hollow's arm at this point. "Unless you want to be breakfast. I may be picky, But I never refuse Vasto Lorde."

"If…" Azzero's voice was down to a whisper at this point. "You let me go, I will… Tell."

Szayel thought it over for a moment, fixing his hair again so it no longer fell in his face. "All right. You have a deal."

"Hey, " Ikakku tapped Yylfordt's shoulder. "Why the eyes shut?"

"Because." He whispered back, not wanting to upset Mayrui who was on the verge of happy laughter. "He's lying…."

"Really?"

"What are you? An Idiot?"

"Hey!"

"Okay," Yylfordt grouched. "You win. My brother is very convincing former actor, you know."

"Real-" Hanngan was hit by a shower of popcorn. "Okay! Let's just watch!"

"And so…" Szayel waited as patiently as possible. "Who told you all of your lovely information."

Nnoitra did his best to become one with the wooden walls. Szayel didn't say 'lovely' every day of the week. _He must be really, really really fuckin' hungry… or mad. I don't know which! Telsa! Why didn't you get up this morning?!_

"I got it… from… two… two… Arrancars. I don't… know their names."

"Well, what did they look like." Szayel knew what it was like to trade information; it was done in the shadows and only fools spoke their names.

"One… maybe… Tall… tall… um… curling hair…."

"Curling?" Szayel was suddenly interested once again. "Did it happen to be purple?"

"…N… No."

His hopes were dashed. "No."

"They… I think it was… a he. He… He talked very high and…."

"Wait, wait." Szayel had an idea, but was near insane. "Did… he he happen to say things like…. Nnoitra, help me out here. You know who I am talking about."

"Yeah. I do." Nnoitra walked over, keeping a good distance away from Szayel. "So, did you hear anything like… I don't want to say it."

"You have to!" Szayel yelled, finally snapping. "Because if you don't, I will and if I do, I am going to start eating a nice frog on a stick! And you won't get anything!"

"…Okay… Things like…Super-fab-sexy-blast?"

"Yes!" Azzero screamed. "Let me go! Let me go! And there was another one! Blonde Scorpion! Let me go!"

Szayel glanced at Nnoitra who was making a face. "That narrows things down. And how in the world are two of Baraggan's Fraccion is still around, I have no idea."

"Yeah, ain't they all supposed to be dead?"

"Yes, Nnoitra. That's why. Now, why don't you go tell Tia."

"No, you go tell Tia." Nnoitra corrected. "Because if I leave you here, there will be no froggy for my lunch when I get back."

"I thought you promised to let me go!" Azzero cried, tears beginning to drip out of his mask. "Please! Please! I don't want to be eaten! Have mercy! Please! I worked so hard to become a Vasto Lorde! Please…please…."

Szayel glanced over his shoulder and stared straight into the camera, his cold amber eyes making Yylfordt shiver. "You were right."

He turned, another cracking sound was heard and Azzero Jhasion fell silent.

* * *

Author's note: I love Mayrui... But I think SpottedMask77 writes him better, to be honest. So, if you are a Mayrui Fan, I suggest you head over there. XD

And yeah, I can see Mayrui falling asleep watching Saw 372.


	13. More Popcorn, Please! Please?

"You okay?" Ikkaku asked his two friends who were starting at the blank screen as Mayrui rewinded to watch more gore. "Hey… Earth to Hanngan and Yylfordt…."

"Woah… Tall guy didn't even…"

"Ikkaku… that… that's how he killed Ciricci. I just know it. I.. I just…"

"More popcorn…" Hanngan was in his own little world, shocked by the gore and the mask cracking stunt. "Anyone?"

He looked up to only see Mayrui sitting next to him with a large grin on his face and Nemu reading a book. "Anyone?"

* * *

"Hold up with the tissues." Yylfordt didn't want to disturb Nelliel's sleep. "I'm okay. It's been… about a month now.. It's okay."

"You sure?" Ikkaku's fingers hesitantly hovered over Nelliel's make-shift tissue pillow. "If Yumichika died, I would cry for years. And years. And years."

"No, I am fine. I just… I don't mean this out of disrespect. Ciricci was just another woman in my life. Another who just happened to die. It happens."

"It doesn't just happen!" Ikakku really wanted to slap him across the face for acting like this. "These are people you cared about. And sure there may have been one or two others before Yumichika, but they don't mean less to me. Nor does Yumichkia."

"True… True…" Yylfordt reached up with his sleeve to dry his eyes. "And I guess… I guess I shouldn't blame my brother so much… I… accidentally killed the first one. Isn't that funny?! I think it is."

"Accidentally?" Ikkaku wondered out loud.

"It was nearly a hundred years ago anyhow… so, yeah. I don't know what happened really and who ever I was… I can't even remember what his voice sounded like when it faded away… was so upset… because… this sounds really funny… but… Oh, if only I can stop laughing… long enough… to… tell… I mean, I… I ate her… I ate all of them…. The woman, the boy… and little Susie. I don't know… what I had done… too much pain….but this… you'll love this, Ikkaku, this is after I-oh, I m a hoot! After I pushed my own brother down the steps! Haha… Isn't that funny?! That's what he clams I did anyhow! And… why… why are you not laughing with me."

"Because…" Ikkaku let tears slide down his face. "It is sad. It is so…sad… here I was… thinking you were different. And yet… you… you are all the same. You are all monsters. And I… hate to say this…all the pain you are feeling, you created. You created it by first killing your brother who came back, am I correct? Yes. Yes I am. And now… he… he feels robbed of his life. I won't blame him if he decides to kill you. I… I am sorry, Yylfordt. I really am… but I cannot find it in me to find it in me to pity you. I… I won't be attending Ciricci's burial and I…. I can't talk to you. I am going to tell Kenpachi and we can put you back where you belong."

Ikkaku turned walked out the front doors of the Third Company, leaving the hollow on his own. When he arrived at the Eleventh Company, he found Hanngan covered in popcorn as Mayrui had Nemu dump the large bowl over his head.

"Hey!" Hanngan cried as his superior officer stormed past, obviously upset. "What's up?! Save me from this popcorn mess!"

"Shut up, Hanngan!" Ikkaku yelled, making his way out of the living room and through the court yard to his captain's quarters.

He walked up the wooden steps and gently knocked on the frame of the paper door. "Sir? Are you in there?"

"Yesh… what is it, Ikkaku? Getting my hair done." Kenpachi's grouchy voice said from inside. "And I-ow! Yachiru! Don't-ow! My hair! You ripped that right out my head!"

The small Vice-Captain laughed at her brother. "You are so silly Kenny! If you would stay still, I wouldn't accidentally do this!"

"AHHH! That's a whole… braid!"

"Hahahahaaaa!"

"Sir. Please let me in." Ikkaku begged. Wanting someone to share the weight he held on his shoulders. "I need to talk with you. It…it is a pressing matter I think you-"

The door slid open to reveal a very unhappy Kenpachi and laughing Yachiru. "It's okay Kenny! It will grow back! And Baldy looks sad! What's wrong? Find a wig that fit?!"

Ikkaku picked up the small girl and turned her upside down so all the bubble gum in her pockets fell to the floor. "You wish! You little squirt!"

"You should get a big, big, big, afro!"

"No thanks…" Ikkaku set the girl down and began handing her the gum off the floor. If he didn't look at his captain, it would be easier to talk and he was right as the whole story slipped out. "And I think we… we should maybe return him or lock him up. I…I don't want him to hurt anyone."

"Understood." Kenpachi couldn't believe he forgot about his missing braid for ten whole minutes. "I'll call Torisho to call what's her name."

"Tia Harribel."

"Yeah, her. And we can also get you Yumichika back."

"Yes, sir. Thank you."

"Speaking of which, I wonder how he's doing…"

* * *

"Hello, Grimm!" Yumichkia cried as Grimmjow turned to leave his room after giving him a dinner of mashed potatoes with a nice silver ring on top. "It gets cold in here! I need another blanket!"

The Espada sighed and disappeared, only to return with a blue blanket a moment later.

"Here." Grimmjow thrust it in Yumichika's hands. "Mine. I don't need it."

"Why thank-dear holy-this smells like fish!" The Soul Reaper held it far away as possible. "Can you not get me a clean blanket?!"

Grimmjow ripped the blanket out of his hands and pinned the prison to the wall with the other. "Listen here, Diva Reaper. I am this close to blowing your head right off your neck! If you don't want this blanket, too bad because everyone else here is cold too! And you are being treated a whole lot better than the rest of us are. Is that clear?!"

"Un…" Yumichkia choked out, trying to pry Grimmjow's strong hands off his neck. "Let me go… Hollow…"

"Do you understand?!" Grimmjow didn't care if Tia was upset with him for attacking the prisoner. If she caught him, he would never ever have to serve this stuck up thing again. "Reaper, are you listening to me?! Good. Now stop complaining all the damn time and try to do something useful! Like not complaining!"

He removed his hand and Yumichika fell to the ground, gasping for air.

"Want this?" Grimmjow loomed over the poor prisoner.

"Yes!" Yumichika was not going to make this hollow any more upset having been nearly killed by all of the others. One threatened to rip out his eyes, the other wanted to eat him, the other wanted to remove all the organs in his body and the man with a sullen look threatened to puncture his very heart. "I will take the blanket."

Grimmjow toss it to the floor. "Good. Sweet dreams." With that, he turned and left the room, shutting and locking the door behind him. If he was ever going to hear the end of it from Tia, he had no idea. But since he had no blanket on his bed, it was time to go curl up with Tia for the night.

And sadly, Ulquiorra who was already a sleep when Grimmjow arrived at Tia's room. "And what may I ask is he doing here?!"

"He just migrated…" Tia had no real explanation to it all. "Let's go sleep in one of the empty Fracciones rooms…"

Grimmjow glanced at the peacefully sleeping Ulquiorra and agreed. "Or we could go sleep outside…."

"Good idea." Tia took his arm and led him outside into the sands beyond the palace, candle lantern in hand. "I know just the place." She took a step forwards and Grimmjow felt like he was being dragged by a run away horse. (Not like he knew what it would feel like… right?) "And here we are."

Grimmjow stood up and brushed the sand off of his clothes. "Where…" He blinked. He knew he had never seen this cave before. "Are we?"

"What used to be my home." Tia announced, walking inside as if she had just come home with a fresh kill. "Mel-rose, Apache, Sung-sun and I resided here. We protected ourselves and eventually made an agreement with other female hollows to protect our territory. You are one of the few men to enter and will exit alive."

Grimmjow laughed nervously, just noticing he was already halfway into the cave of doom. "Yes. Funny. Who were the others?"

"Let me see, I believe your friend, Shawlong was only let free after we realized he only wished to be reunited with his master. We found so many hollows laying on the sands to die back in the day… So many we just ate. Shawlong however, just kept pleading with us to let him go and insisting he be reunited with you. The women and I found his loyalty quite moving and we allowed him to rest until well.

The other…two was it. One was a Lion Hollow who begged for shelter for the night so he could continue his tireless search for his wife (Who was another hollow at the time), the next morning.

The third… well… It was rather a mistake…"

Grimmjow raised an eyebrow. "Mistake? How? You are still here…"

"Yes…" Tia really did not want to remember, but… It already had been mentioned. "In the short, short story… Fornicaras looked rather like a woman…. We found him passed out in the sands and took him home. (I really think it was the long pink hair he had at the time.) Anyhow, after a threatening interrogation, he agreed to a life debt and to leave a soon as possible. Which was sadly a few days as he was in horrible shape."

"Yeah…" Grimmjow wasn't convinced. "And how between Mel-rose, Apache, Sung-sun and you, did you not notice Fornicaras was a man?"

"I don't really know…He was covered in sand and Hollow innards at the time and the women tend to get a little panicked…. Besides, what hollow who was a butterfly would be a man anyhow?"

"….Do you want me to even start?"

"No." Tia replied, sure it was the fact Sung-sun was in a panic at the time. "Anyhow, welcome fourth man of all time. Let us forget all the past disasters, shall we?"

"Yeah…" Grimmjow found himself being swept into a long kiss. "And- hey…"

Tia let him go and stared at him with her deep sea green eyes. "What?"

"I wanted to talk and you wanted to kiss me." He replied.

"Of course I wanted to kiss you. It has been days since I have had any time with you. Being queen is such a busy job…"

"It is." Grimmjow agreed, only to find himself smashed in another kiss. "And you know what?"

"What?' Tia asked, a touch of annoyance in her voice. Why wouldn't he just let her kiss him?!

"Maybe, you are in need of a little help."

"No. Grimmjow. No. This is a one-woman show. I will not allow you to be king as it would be a sign of weakness to the other sexist hollows and Soul Society."

"Well…" Grimmjow sighed, his arms wrapping around her waist. "It was just a thought…"

"It was a nice thought, but no." Tia was not going to let her heart be messed with. "And just how long have we been going out?"

"I don't know. It feels like forever."

"Good." Tia replied, kissing her annoyed man once again. "Because, I don't want to seem like what I am going to do next will be too soon."

Grimmjow paused.

"Wait. Tia?"

"Yes?"

"Did you just say too soon? Tia, are you kidding me? I have dreamed about you ever since I first met you ages ago under the moonlight."

Tia grinned. "Good." With that, she took the top off of the glowing candle lantern and blew out the light. "You won't need to dream anymore."


	14. Who Should Care Anyway? (Да?)

"Hey, Szayel." Nnoitra poked his face. "Szayel… Szayel!"

The Fourth Espada woke with a jolt. "Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Women and Espadas first! AHHH!"

Telsa glanced up at Nnoitra. They knew they shouldn't stayed up talking about movies late into the night.

"Um," Telsa began, leaving the attempts to wake to Nnoitra who was actually good at shaking someone away without slamming their brains into the front of their skulls. "It's time to get up, sir."

Szayel rolled over to stare up them with sleepy eyes. "What is it? It's…" He glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. "It's… four in the morning….I am supposed to be in bed."

"Well, no you aren't." Nnoitra corrected, throwing all of the blankets to the end of the bed, making the sleeping one get a nice whiff of cold, cold night air. "I was watching the interrogation tape we sent to Soul Society and I noticed that you were a little off on your round-house kick. And so, I watched the rest of it and you really need to hone your skills. So, Telsa and I have agreed that we need to train you since Tia won't let us go after the two squealers as she wants to deal with them herself. Typical Tia."

"What…?" Szayel really wasn't in the right mindset to understand what Nnoitra was talking about. "Okay…. Fine. Go ahead… I'll just sleep here…."

"Szayel! Get up!"

"AHH!" He screamed as Nnoitra pulled the sheets out from under him and he fell to the floor. "Ow! Can't you two just leave me alone?!"

"No!" Nnoitra yelled back. "I am not going to let you settle with the measly skills you have right now! A soul reaper lieutenant could kill you! And do you know how that would make me feel? Pissed off! And you know I don't like to be mad!"

"Honey…" Szayel reached a hand up, hoping to find the edge of the bed. "Then, why are you yelling?"

"Because, you won't listen to me if I don't!"

"True…. Now, let me go back to sleep… I am so-"

A hair of hands stood Szayel on his feet. "You know, Nnoitra… I really don't want to go train in my nice white pajama bottoms…but… okay… You lead the way.. You win… I'm…" He paused to yawn as he was led out into the darker hallways, each arm held in a death grip by his captors. "Sleepy…and where are you taking me, Nnoitra?"

"To the dance room."

Szayel was suddenly awake. "What? You're going to make me dance? What does that have to do wi-" He covered his eyes as he was met a flood of bright florescent lights. "OW! Turn those off!"

Telsa grinned. "I knew they would wake him up." The young Arrancar reached over and turned them off, leaving the room dark and only lit by the leg lamp in his hand. "And now, we sit you down….and tell you what we are going to torture you with for the next seven years."

"I'm listening…" Szayel yawned and lay down on the wooden floor, about ready to go back to sleep. "How are you going to torture me… Not that you really want to. I'd just laugh and laugh. 'Cause I like pain…"

"I highly doubt you'll say that once we tell you." Nnoitra held in a snicker. "Because we are going to teach you ballet."

"…What the hell? You mean, tutus, tights and… frickin' sugar-plum fairies?" Szayel was sure this was not that one holiday in the human world where angels came down from 'heaven' and sang. Aaroniero actually stayed up all night on Christmas Eve to witness the singing, but never heard anything at all.

"Yeah. Sugar Plum dances and all." Nnoitra said, adding, "You aren't going to complain. Why? Because I am going to force you to learn it if it is the last thing I do. Because it, 1, was not always tutus and tights. An old king began the dancing trend by teaching it to his armies as a training exercise. 2. Because it improves self-awareness and balance. It also works a lot of muscles in your body you never use. 3. We are going to teach you how to sword fight on pointe. Eventually. Think like… ages from now. 4. We are also going to teach you gymnastics as you may have graceful moves, but you need a whole lot of other skills an-"

Szayel raised his hand in the air. "Excuse me… Do I have to wear tights?"

"Of course."

"I quit. I'll go die. See you later…"

Telsa reached a hand out and grabbed his arm as he began to drag himself towards what he believed was the door. "No. No. No. Szayel. Stay."

"No. I am not going to wear tights and a tutu. In fact, I would pay to see both of you dress up like clowns. And Telsa, what happened to Szayel-sama?"

"I don't actually have to address you as such, I just do it out of respect for you."

"True." Nnoitra said, noticing Szayel's look of shock. "Because I rank higher than you and he's my fraccion. But anyhow, you are staying here and learning this-"

"I am not learning ballet! I draw the line at this! I already act. Isn't that enough? I mean-"

"Szayel. Calm down. What's wrong with learning this?"

"Because!" He cried, "If you haven't noticed, all guys who do ballet are gay!"

Nnoitra pointed at Telsa. "He's not."

"Yeah, Telsa's not. But you know what I mean!"

"Of course. But, Szayel. You may have given Tia a reality check, but I think you need one too."

"And what needs checking?"

"Well." Nnoitra began, scooting over a rolling chair to sit in. "To begin with. You are still living in 1911, if you haven't noticed."

"And half the human world is still living in 1911 too! Like Russia! So I am not alone here." Szayel pointed out, not really wanting to have this conversation at four in the morning. "Some of the world is still living in 2500 BCE!"

"I get your point." Nnoitra stated. "But seriously. Szayel. I don't remember what time era I am from and I am glad I don't. You know what? Liking men is just like like oranges when others like apples. It doesn't define who you are. There. That's it. And if people don't like you for liking oranges, it's their fault and maybe they don't think they can like oranges either. So, when you say you aren't going to do something because it something people who like oranges do, just makes you as bad as the rest of the people who like apples who don't like you. Get what I'm saying?"

Maybe he should talk to Nnoitra more at this hour as what he just said was rather…. "Profound… okay… I kinda see a picture here. You say, I like oranges. And that's okay. And people who like oranges shouldn't just known for liking oranges and people who like apples who don't like oranges maybe like oranges but don't want to go against social norms of liking apples. And I should do ballet because it's something people do. People shouldn't care what kind of fruit you like and just because you like something different doesn't mean you are branded for life."

"That… was the point." Nnoitra said after a long silence. "Yes. I was confused there for a moment because of all the apples and oranges. Now some people like apples and oranges and that's fine too."

"Uh… huh…but what I don't wanna eat anything right now? I'm sleepy…"

"No, no!" Nnoitra cried, "That was just another example! Now stand up!"

Szayel nodded and slowly climbed to his feet. _He was right… I guess I kind of was living in 1911. Oddly enough, I actually feel better now. Anyhow, as long as I don't have to put in a recital, this should be interesting… but…oh… too tired to think… _

He glanced over his shoulder at Nnoitra who grinning. Pleased he finally got his point across. "Now what, strict evil ballet teacher?"

"Telsa, give him shoes."

"Yes sir." Telsa went over to a box by the mirrored wall and pulled out several pairs of plain and soft ballet shoes. He walked back across the room and handed them to Szayel who looked confused. "What?"

"Well…" He peered down at the shoes he was being offered. "Aren't we going to learn the stuff on our toes?"

"No, no!" Telsa laughed. "That isn't until you master the dance. Then, you get to re-learn all of it on pointe! And I hope you don't like your feet."

"Uh… no?"

"Good. Because they are not going to be pretty once we get to the pointe-shoes. Now try these on and see which fit. They should be snug, but not painful."

* * *

"Wow…" Aaroniero marveled as he stared at all the water bottle cases in the parking lot of the hotel in Scotland. Tia had received a call that morning informing her the order from about a week ago, arrived. "That's a lot of water…"

"It makes me thirsty," Rubornn gasped, wishing he could drink all of it this instance.

"It makes me happy you came to pay. It will be £7164. " The Delivery woman said, holding out a form. "Little late, were we, by the way?"

"Yes." Aaroniero confessed, thankful she couldn't see Rudbornn who was actually drooling. "Sorry. Here's my magic card."

"Thank you… Ned Wellington for you business."

"You're welcome." Aaroniero gave Rudbornn a glance whom only drooled back at him. He knew that Szayel had snatched Ned's credit card back in Vegas along with his driver's license, but really? £7164 worth of water? All in sixteen ounce containers?

He and Rudbornn had their work cut out for them, then. After a complimentary bottle was drank, that was.

* * *

"One, and two an- Szayel, don't slouch!" Nnoitra screamed, pounding the walking stick on the wooden floor for the tenth time in the last five minutes. "Doing a pleat isn't hard! Telsa!"

"Yes." Telsa walked over to the slouching student and smacked him on the stomach with the long ruler he had in his grasp. "Stand up straight! Shoulders back, stomach in an-shoulders back! And legs together and-Shoulders! Shoulders!" Telsa sighed and turned to Nnoitra, annoyed as he was. "Nnoitra-sama. We need to ban Szayel from the computer for the rest of his life. Ja?"

"All right. Done. Now, shoulder back! And grace. full. Ly. Down. And. Butt in and-Telsa! Get him to straighten his form! It should be like he's a puppet on a string and…"

"Yes, sir." Telsa walked back across the room to Szayel who was looking rather miserable in his new pair of pink tights, shoes and black leotard. "Szayel. Stand. Yes. Damn it! Don't slouch!"

"I'm not slouching!" The Student yelled back, not wanting to be hit anymore by the evil teacher's assistant.

"Yes you are!" Telsa set down the ruler and reached up to put his hands on Szayel's shoulders. "See.. You stand like this. And shoulders back and-"

"Ow! That is too far!"

"No." Telsa replied. "That is where your shoulder SHOULD be if you had good posture. Now. I will stand here and you do a pleat. Okay? Easy, mai no?"

"Mai oui! But I will try it anywa-Telsa! I can't move because you have your hands on my shoulders!"

"You are supposed to be able to move!"

"Why can't I?!" Szayel cried, his knees not doing what he wanted.

"Because you are using the wrong muscles!" Nnoitra yelled, just wanting to do this simple move. It had been fifteen minutes of this so far and he did not want to make in an hour! "Now, use your thighs and up and ahaha! See. You did it! Again!"

Szayel groaned and the lesson went on.

* * *

"Hey, Rud…" Aaroniero asked as he walked into the throne room where Mel-rose was sitting on Tia's throne, three hours later. "Were is Tia and… why do I hear yelling?"

"No idea, sir." His Fraccion (the strong and brave), pulled in a large wheeling cart with all of the water bottles on it with the help of his copies of himself he created with his Tree of Skulls. "At least, we don't have to do another trip."

"Yeah…" Aaroniero was so glad Rudbornn had such wonderful powers that allowed him to grow multiples of himself off his horns. "Me too… now, what is that screaming and yelling I hear?"

* * *

"First position!" Nnoitra screamed and Szayel put his heels together and toes out. "And next! Third! Fourth! And Fifth and don't fall over! Fifth is hard, but you can't fall over!"

"But how am I supposed to-"

"You just do it!

"Bu-"

"Szayel! No buts and back to first and arms! And that. Is. Really. Sad!" Nnoitra slammed the walking stick into the ground, keeping a rhythm. "Your feet are supposed to be turned. Completely. Away from. One. Another. But we will work on that! And second and what. Do. You. Want?!"

Ulquiorra just stared in to the dance room, a shocked look on his face. "Um…"

"I. Don't. Have. All. Day. Ul. qui. orr. a! And Third! And Arms! Szayel! Don't slouch! Better!"

"I was just seeing what all the commotion was." Ulquiorra confessed, unsure if he had just walked into the funniest thing he had ever seen or the strangest. He took the second. "Um…what is going on here… and why is Granz in a leotard and tights?"

"Because!" Nnoitra yelled from the other side of the room. "I am. In the. Middle of. Training. Him! Fourth! And-Telsa. Catch. Him!"

Telsa flickered over and stood Szayel upright again as he began to teeter.

"And why don't you. Go. Away?"

"I guess I should, Nnoitra. I just want to be sure before I leave… you are not getting me in tights, right?"

"Never." Nnoitra said and Ulquiorra left with a smug smile on his face. Orhime would just feed him dish after dish, not make him do ballet in a silly outfit.

Wait until he told Grimmjow what Szayel was being forced to do…

Speaking of, where _was_ Grimmjow?

* * *

Author's note: Yes, that first line of Szayel's came from Spaceballs. Second, he is in fact being forced to learn ballet. (It will pay off later, I promise!)Third, stand strong my Russian friends as they say over here, 'it gets better!' and never lose hope. Да? Спасибо.


	15. Du Musst Tanzen Und Beschwerst Dich

"Tia?" Grimmjow asked, tapping her on the shoulder the next morning.

"Yes?" She asked, starting up at the roof of the cave with a smile on her face. "What?"

"Should we be going back to Los Noches?"

"No." She replied, just wanting to lay there next to him for the rest of time. "Ulquiorra has his orders. I gave them to Mel-rose to give to him and I feel like just laying here and enjoy our time together."

So that is what the two of them did.

* * *

"Du musst Tanzen, Ja?!" Telsa screamed at the student after Nnoitra left to go dig up some rations for lunch. "Ja! Jetzt! Eins, Zwei,-Nein! Nein! Deine Shulteren!"

Szayel sighed and rolled his eyes. What in the world was Telsa screaming in German anyway? "Um…Tels-"

"Ich heiße Herr Lidocruz! Ja?"

"…Herr Lidocruz, what are you saying?"

"Ich spreche Deutsch zu dir! Ich komme aus Bayern, ja?"

"Tel-Herr Lidocruz, I have no idea what you are saying… You are speaking messed up German…" Szayel confessed, only getting random words from Nnoitra's Fraccion.

"Es ist nicht stimmt! Ich spreche sehr gutes Deutsch. Quinceys spricht meistens Lärm."

"Translate, please…" Szayel begged, wishing Nnoitra would return this instance and take over teaching once again. So far he was still working on his pleats and simple sashes across the floor.

Telsa sighed and turned the spinning chair to face his annoyed student. "I said, I speak good German and what with Quincys speak is mostly noise. And you, Szayel, know Qunicy German. And Quincy German is like Aizen's Español. It sounds pretty, but it makes no sense at all and sounds like honest gibberish. Thankfully, we Espada know proper Español."

"Ew…" Szayel dug into the back of his mind at tossed out all the German he had learned to far.

"Yeah." Telsa agreed. "Ew. I will teach you German properly one day…"

"Thanks….but what did you say before your rant?"

"Hah." Telsa smiled a little. "I said you must dance and I yelled to you about your shoulders and I told you my name and that I am speaking German to you. I do come from Bayern an-"

"I didn't know that." Szayel confessed. "How did you die?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Shoulders back and we start again! One, two, three and-"

"What is going on here?!"

Telsa looked up to see Aaroniero and Rudbornn peering through a half open door, trying not to die from a laughter.

"Yeah!" Aaroniero cried. "What are you doing in a tutu, Szayel?! I did not believe Ulquiorra when he mentioned it and I had to come see it for-"

Telsa slammed the walking stick into his stomach, making the Fifth Espada groan and fall to the ground. "Shut up and go away. If you are going to laugh, you are going to join. Is that clear?"

"You wouldn't reall…" Rudbornn's voice trailed off as he realized by the look on Telsa's face, he was serious. "Okay. We shall leave you alone and please, do not hit Lord Aaroniero again, will you? Or I will be forced to attack."

Telsa glared down at the Janitor with a chilling eyes. (Or eye.) "I would really like to see you try….now, go away."

The two hastily stood and skittered on down the hallway, both of them wondering how such a nice young man could be so scary.

* * *

Orihime smiled as she walked into the Magic Kingdom the next day, Ichigo happily on her arm. If he were broke, it did not matter as long as he got the girl, right?

"So, Inoune-san," Ichigo began, pleased it was such a nice day to be wandering about the most famous of all four Disney World Parks. "Where would you like to go before we head to lunch in Cinderella's Castle?"

"Oh…" Orihime thought for a moment, glancing at her guide map. "I would love to go to… The Mad Tea Party ride."

"And what is that?" Ichigo was not much for tea, but…

"It's the spinning cup ride. You see, Kurosaki-san, you get in a giant tea cup and spin it around and around and it's lots of fun."

"And how do you know that? I don't really like…spinning."

"Because, Tatsuki went on the ride and told me all about it. Please, Kurosaki-kun…."

"All right…" Ichigo gave in and the two of them headed off to the Mad Tea Cup Ride. Or the Ride of Doom as Tatsuki named it.

* * *

"And now you can go to bed." Nnoitra said an hour later and Szayel fell to the wooden floor. Too tired to walk to his room and too tired to speak. "I will make sure you are not disturbed until tomorrow at four, is that clear?"

Szayel nodded.

"Good. Now, Telsa, take him to his room and then meet me back here in fifteen. We have to do our morning exercises."

"Yes, sir." Telsa picked up the student who had already fallen asleep and headed out of the dance room, leaving Nnoitra to sigh and get ready for his daily routine.

* * *

Ichigo leaned over the trashcan. He should have never gotten on that stupid Tea Cup ride… and he never should have listened to Orihime…who was now nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Author's note: Yay Telsa! (I loved writing his dialogue! My German actually came in handy!) As for Ichigo. Yeah, I was just on the tea cup ride myself and it goes pretty darn another note, this chapter was saved from my computer crash, but I don't have the next chapters. So it may be a few days. Thanks.

ACK! I forgot to tell you what the Chapter Title means! It says, 'You must dance and complain.' I know that I removed a few words after 'und' as I did not have enough room. It is properly written in full like this: Du musst Tanzen und **du** beschwerst dich. Danke schön!


	16. The Delinquents and The Butterfly

Sadly, Szayel wasn't allowed to go right to bed as Tia ordered him to come to the throne room.

"And so what do you want, O Evil One who makes me attend a meeting when I am dead tired?" He asked, doing his best to crawl across the throne room floor towards the throne. Halfway there, Szayel gave up and let himself sprawl on the floor like the tired person he was.

Tia glanced down and gave Grimmjow who was sitting at her feet a look. "What happened to you, Szayel?"

"Torture Ballet School…" Szayel replied in a mumble.

"Uh-huh…" Grimmjow hid a smile. Now all of what Ulquiorra told him was beginning to make sense. "And…can you hear us up here?"

"Yeah…"

"Good." Tia said, pleased she wouldn't have to put this idea off any longer. "Because I am assigning you and Ulquiorra Fracciones if you like it or not."

"But…" Szayel slurred, "I already have some…"

"Yes, I know you do. The variety of flavors is rather impressive. But I am going to give you fracciones who are useful in combat. Is that clear?"

"Yes… a much as it can be to a guy who just danced 'till he fell over… and so," Szayel asked the nice clean white floor he was practically kissing. "Who do I get? I am assuming you already decided."

Tia nodded. "I did. That is why Ulquiorra is anything but sad today. I gave him Doroni, the last of the Pravion. Anyhow, you get… I'm sorry. There are really no others left… The Terror Twins."

"Great…" Szyael was too tired to yell, so he gave Tia a rude gesture with the last of his strength. "Thanks for sticking me with Loly and Menoly. Not."

"I said I was sorry." Tia repeated, knowing she would react the same if she were in Szayel's shoes. "Anyhow, they are stronger than they look and I sent them to wait outside your place for orders."

"That's nice…" Szayel muttered. "But I don't think I can make it to my palace…"

"Then, I shall get Apache to bring them here." Tia gestured to her Fraccion with short black hair who disappeared. "And I hope you three get along. If not, think of this as a free meal."

"Fair enough…" The Fourth Espada suddenly remembered how hungry he was. "And… yeah…Somehow I missed lunch…and breakfast."  
Tia sighed and smiled a little. "I will have it sent to your room."

"Thanks…" Szayel said, looking up just in time to see Apache re-appear with Loly and Menoly at her side. Loly looked like she had just vandalized his nice palace as she was covered in black paint and Menoly looked concerned. (Surely about the vandalism. Or so Szayel assumed.) "And I assume they are un-armed, Apache… Right?"

Tia's Fraccion shrugged. "Donno. Don't care."

"How nice of you…" Szayel frowned. "Anyhow, how are we… evil…things?"

"Fine." Loly replied, reaching up to fix one of her pig-tails. "But we don't like you. So, don't expect us to obey. And do you like scorpions? Because I painted a bunch on your palace doors."

Szayel looked up at Tia who sighed again.

"I don't care…" Szayel stated, breaking the long silence. "Paint what you want…."

"Cool." Loly pulled out another can of spray paint out of her bag on her shoulder. "Because I'm gonna finish mine tomorrow."

"Great. Now, let us introduce ourselves, shall we?" Szayel asked as nicely as he could. "I am the Fourth Espada, Szayelaporro Granz, Menos Lorde Class."

The two teenagers shared a look.

"Um…." Menoly tried her best to smile. "First things…first…um… I'm Menoly Mallia, Numeros #34, Adjuchas class…and not your lunch. And I really didn't want to serve under you because you do have a tendency to get…hungry."

Szayel nodded. He wasn't going to deny the fact he did eat his fracciones every so often. (And right now with the rations were turning out, he could hardly blame Menoly.) "And you?"

"Me?" Loly yawned, pointing to herself. "I'm a punk. End of introduction."

"Oh…" Szayel laughed. "So that is what I shall call you from now on, is it?"

"Yeah. That or Loly. And what should we call you Glasses?"

"Szayel-sama is fine. Any other questions?"

Loly crossed her arms and stared down at their Espada who was sprawled on the floor. "Yeah. A few. Quite a few. 1. What are the benefits of serving you? I mean, the other Numeros get rooms and sometimes uniforms. I hope you aren't going to make us wear something stupid like what ever you are wearing right now."

_Oh… Great…Still wearing my ballet clothes, aren't I?_ Szayel thought before looking up at the terror twins who were both glaring at him. "Well, I thi-"

"I wasn't done talking." Loly said. "Second. What are your rules and don't tell me we have to do anything stupid… like kiss your shoes. (I heard from Findor that Barragan made all of them kiss his shoes when he walked by.) And I want to get one thing clear here: We are not your lunch. Try to eat us and we will attack you and trust me, we are stronger than we look."

"Same here." Szayel replied. "And so, you two stay in line and I won't eat you. Deal?"

"And as long as you don't treat us like one of your science projects, we have a deal." Menoly said, not wanting to be on the same level as Verona and all of those weird things.

"Deal." Szayel said, not sure why they thought they would be treated the same. Verona and the others were edible delights while these two would be able to fight and be far more useful. "Anything else?"

"Yes." Loly said. "What are the benefits of serving you?"

"Quite a few. 1. You each get to pick a Menos-Fraccion, such as Lumina to accompany you and use to your wish in combat. They heal a most any wound and you don't have to eat them all at once. Second, you can live in my palace if you wish and third, you have me to protect you. Now, that sounds rather silly, but trust me when I say I take good care of my fracciones."

Loly glanced at Menoly. "Right… You just want to eat us. I knew it…"

"I do not." Szayel snapped back. "Did I just agree not to by the way?"

"Yeah…" Menoly said, reaching up to fix her spiky blonde hair. "And so? What do you want us to do, Sayel-sama?"

"Well…maybe Menoly-san…help me off the floor. That would be a good start."

* * *

Author's note:

Here is to keep all of my readers up to date. I first posted this piece in Espadas Undercover as I felt Hollow Evolution really made no sense.

I was researching Hollow Evolution on Bleach wiki, and it makes no sense... as Adjuches have semi-human forms and look more like the fracciones of the Espadas by the definition feel more like Vasto Lordes due to their human looks and yet look like animal still. Yet, Tia is the only one who is a known Vasto Lorde at the time she became an Espada...

Yeah, I am really confused.

So, I am making up my own personal details as followed for the sake of my story and readers and otherwise. Aka my sanity. (And will be used across the span of my many Bleach fan-fictions.)

Okay. We have our basic hollow: Loud, hungry and rather stupid, but not completely so. And still looks like a giant animal/thing and has a few powers. (I am staying with the ones already set in place by Bleach Wiki. Moving on.) They eat a lot of human souls and eventually, turn into:

Menos Grande (Aka Gilligans) And are giant towers of doom that according to our dear wiki, one souls inside a Gilligan can take control of the whole being. Unless another one overrides it. (It's a lotta hard work to stay yourself inside a huge sea of…blah.) and have a lot of awesome powers including a basic Cero. And after eating a whole crew of your fellow (and rather stupid) Gillians. you become an:

Adjuchus (And this is where it gets confusing and prompted me to write this little guide. That might change if I come up with any new and interesting ideas. I just want to give my readers an idea.) There are a lot less of these bulky smaller-sized and little more animal looking hollows. But not giant and stupid like their first form. The also may look semi-human and have legs to walk on. They eat their other hollows and Adjuchus and have their own powers that are unique to them alone. However, if they don't eat other hollows, they returned to Gilligan form and can never become an Adjuchus again. Nor can any of the other souls inside them take over and return to Adjuchus form. But if any part is lost to another hollows, they cannot become Vasto Lordes or go back to Gilligan form.

(Now here is where I am going to add something as the leap from Adjuchus to Vasto Lorde is too large and vauge.)

And after successfully eating a whole boat full of your friends and all, you become a Menos Lorde: (Self Creations ahoy!) A lower class of Vasto Lord who still have some animal attributes and yet look rather human in size and form. With the eception of some cat ears or butterfly wings. And now you have a second set to individual powers and must still eat your friends. (Hey, they are aren't bad if you use some mustard and sauerkraut.) And any other hollow you loathe. Or just 'cause you are cranky and hungry.  
Then. Finally.

The Vasto Lordes. The most powerful group of hollows who are the size of humans and have awesome powers.  
Now, according to the good ol' Bleach Wiki, any hollow who removes it's mask becomes amazingly powerful. (That's why Tia, who is a Vasto Lorde was almost defeated by a basic hollow who took it's mask off.) and also in the Wiki, it states that any Arrancar who looks more human in appearance was a higher level to begin with.

So, here are the things we know.

Tia was a Vasto Lorde, so she looks almost human when she releases her sword. (Which is actually just regressing back to what they were before they became Arrancar. And all their animal attributes return.)

And we know that Fish-tank is of Gilligan Class. (Which has me confused. But this isn't my story…)

And Grimmjow must at least be a Vasto Lorde or a Menos Lord as he looks rather human when he a kitty. (Yea!) Nnoitra and Szayel must be at least Menos Lordes (I mean, these two surely took the world of hollows by storm.) and Nnoitra is so tall, it's not funny when he hits his head walking though the doorway anymore. It's just painful. Ulquiorra as well as he is of mostly human size….

Starrk, I have no clue on although I am assuming Vasto Lorde class. Barragan was the king of Heuco Mundo. He has to be one as well. And

Zommari, must be Adjuchus as he still looks like a pumpkin and strange. (This is where the rule of the mask removal comes in.)

Yammy is… Yammy. I have no idea….(A Yam?)

So, those are my thoughts on the matter as of right now.


	17. Oh Lookie, Ichigo! I Have A Present!

Ichigo ran through the exit/entrance of the Magic Kingdom fifteen minutes later; just in time to see Orihime boarding the boat heading to the hotels of the surrounding area. "Inoue!"

The young woman turned around and gave him a look of horror.

Ichigo flash-stepped over to the boat and grabbed her arm. "Inoue, you have to stop running-"

"I won't, Kurosaki!" She screamed, making the humans on the boat wonder if there were ghosts from the Haunted Mansion out here too. "I won't. I don't want to be with you any longer!"

"But why?!" The Soul Reaper cried, tears coming to his eyes. They were perfect together, they grew up together and, damn it, he loved her!

Orihime stopped struggling in his grasp and sighed. "Why? You want to know why?"

Ichigo dared to nod, wishing the moment was over.

"Because." Orihime looked up at her old friend, a cold look in her brown eyes, one of which Ichigo had never witnessed. "Because you don't believe in me."

"…Inoune…" He looked away towards the large lake where boats where chartering people to and from the various destinations. "I do. I believe in you so much, I wis-"

"No." She cut him off, her voice cold. "You don't. You always try to protect me when I can take care of myself and-"

"I take care of you and protect you because I love you!" Ichigo blurted out before his mind could take control of his heart. "I love you, Inoune."

"Then, why didn't you let me rescue myself?"

"Rescue you-where?"

"From Heuco Mundo." Orihime said, stepping off the boat so it could depart without her.

"You were in danger! Aizen had his army of-"

"I know." Orihime turned away from her friend, not wanting to look at him anymore. "I know where your heart was. I always do. But you never let me fight my own fight and you never…" She paused to wipe the tears out of the corner of her eyes. "Never respected me. Or believed in my abilities. All I was to you was a nurse. Someone who would care for you and heal your wounds."

"That's not true, Inoune…"

"But it is, Kurosaki. You saw me-you still see me as weak. I am always just Inoune, the little girl with snowflake hairpins. You claim to love me and at one time, I loved you too, but I won't put up with your lack of respect for my talents. Good news is, I don't have to put up with you anymore… I… I am going back where I belong. With the outcasts. Where people love me and respect me and even if they are weird and sometimes dangerous when hungry, they sure as hell love me more than you do."

"How can you say that?!" Ichigo didn't want her to leave him with a broken heart. "I know you better than-"

"No you don't. Ulquiorra does for he recognized my talents and allowed me flourish. Kurosaki, you would never let me test my strength or become stronger for you are too scared that one day, someone will surpass your 'immense' powers."

"That's not-"

"You're right." Orihime laughed loudly. "It's not true. There are three people in the world who could kick your ass all the way to Toontown, which at the moment isn't very far. But try it from Disney World Paris."

"That's not funny!" Ichigo drew his sword. "These three people are goin' down! Right now! No one surpasses the power of the awesome Kurosaki, Ichigo!"

Orihime rolled her eyes. "See what I mean?"

The Soul Reaper froze. "What?"

"You are scared of losing what power you have."

"Like hell I am." Ichigo said before he could stop himself.

"That's why I could never love a man like you." Orihime said, checking her wrist watch. "You are too in your own head…I would say here I still wish to be friends, but you are just a power hungry young man who will end up alone one day. They may be your friends, Chad, Ishida and the others, but one day, you shall be all alone and we all will be eating tacos in Heuco Mundo surrounded by people full of compassion and love."

"Love my-" Ichigo jumped back as a large doorway opened in the sky in front of him to reveal endless darkness.

"And now," Orihime walked past him towards the darkness. "I leave."

"But I-"

She frowned and stepped inside the darkness where she knew they were waiting. "Fine. If you are going to be a sore loser to someone who is so kind and so caring and loves me for who I am, I have a present for you."

"What is that?" Ichigo asked.

Orihime reached into her handbag and pulled out a, "Le Flipoff! Fuck you, Ichigo!"

Nnoitra and Telsa shared a grin and savored the look on the Soul Reaper's face as Garganta slid shut.

"Where did that come from?" Telsa asked once they were in the darkness.

"From my purse." Orihime replied, wanting to hug them both, but the pair looked rather annoyed, so she played it safe. "I need to get some more, though… Where is the nearest swear-shop?"

"No idea." Nnoitra was glad she was back for Ulquiorra would stop crying on Szayel's shoulder all the time and he could at least get a kiss in. "But I suggest the nearest magic store."

"Cool." She said and took of down the pathway towards Heuco Mundo, filling in Nnoitra and Telsa in as she went. "So that is where you arrived."

"And why didn't you just punch the bastard?" Nnoitra would have done just this hours ago if he were in her shoes.

"Because." Orihime laughed, "I had better tools at hand. I made him go broke and I also took him on the Mad Tea Cup Ride and I also got Chad super-glued to Space Mountain and Ishida trapped in the Tower of Terror. I think my job is done."

"Okay…." Nnoitra wasn't sure if he should buy this or not. "But still, next time you see Ichigo, punch him."

"Well-"

"Promise."

Orhime stopped walking and turned to stare up at the Second Espada. "Sure I will. I promise, Gliga-kun."

Much to her surprise, a hand ruffled her hair. "Good girl."

Two hours later the three of them arrived outside Los Noches that had a few more windows in it oddly enough. (With glass even.)

"My renovations." Nnoitra muttered, opening the large front door of the fortress for Telsa who held it for Orihime who would have been smacked in the face other wise. "Lets more moonlight in."

"Nice…" Orihime hardly cared about the new look, all she wanted was the old look. The old look of gloom and doom and…"Ah… beautiful green eyes…But where is he?"

Telsa glanced at Nnoitra. Had Ulquiorra taken to- _oh, no…_

"Come here." Telsa grabbed Orihime and the three set of through the darkened hallways towards the Ballet room where they found Aaroniero trying his best to teach Szayel made up ballet while getting beat up (by said student), and Ulquiorra was trying his best to cry on the shoulder of the enraged apprentice.

"Damn it, Happy man!" Szayel screamed, just wanting to reach Aaroniero across the piano with Telsa's ruler. "Get off my shoulder!"

"But…" Ulquiorra sobbed, trying to get his shoulder to stand up straight. "I… I can't live without her! Don't you understand?!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Szayel was so close to-

"Hahah!" Aaroniero laughed as the ruler only bopped the end of his cute button nose. "You can't get me, Szayel!"

"**********!"

"WAHHHHAAA! I love her so much! My heart is breaking! Orihime! AHHHH!"

"Shut up!" Szayel glared at Aaroniero and made the mistake of kicking the piano. "AHHH! OWW! Damn it! Ulquiorra, shut the hell up because Orihime is here!"

"Yes," He moaned. "She is… in my heart… always…"

"No. I mean, she's here!" Szayel was so glad he was wearing his dance clothes… they were meant to be covered in blood, sweat and a whole bunch of tears.

"Really!"

"You…lie…" Ulquiorra sobbed louder. "You always do."

Szayel paused and fixed his glasses. "Yeah. I do. Except today because it is 'don't tell a lie' day. National Holiday in America, you know?"

Ulquiorra looked up long enough to roll his red rimmed eyes before going back to sobbing.

"No!" Szayel cried, trying his best to remove himself from Ulquiorra's death grip. "I mean it! Just….thanks. Now, turn around."

"You lie, Granz. You lie."

"Not-" Szayel sighed. He wasn't going to get anywhere with words. So, he grabbed Ulquiorra's arm and spun him around as if they were dancing.

The First Espada gasped, realizing what he saw standing in the doorway of the Ballet room. "No… way… You wer…" He was at Orihime's side in an instant.

She smiled brightly up at him. "Hello, love."

Ulquiorra did not have words for his feelings so, wrapped his arms around his light and held her close to him_. I… I missed her so much… I am so glad she is safe… and damn, I made a fool of myself… to think I cried to Szayel's shoulder of all things… well. It could have been worse. It could have been Grimmjow's. Anyhow, I love you so much, Orihime…_

_I love you too, Ulquiorra… I am so glad to be back in your arms. Although I know I would return to them and I always will. Don't cry any longer, I will always be here for you._ Orihime closed her eyes and leaned her head on Ulquiorra's cold chest. "I am so glad to be home… with you… with all of you."

"And she told Ichigo off." Telsa said from where he was in the process of kicking Aaroniero off his piano.

"Gave Ichigo the finger, more like." Nnoitra clarified, taking a brief moment to finally get his morning kiss. (As Ulquiorra somehow got up earlier than he did today.) "Saw it all happen. I didn't know that flying 'f's' would fit in a purse."

Szayel gave him a look. "You don't need one."

"What is wrong with one?"

"Oh, never mind… you'll just lecture me."

"Ah…" Nnoitra laughed. "Mr. 1911 appears once more."

"I'm sorry. But yes: Mr. 1911 does not approve."

"Get a Tardis, stuffy Victorian." Nonitra muttered and walked over to his chair to continue today's lesson. "No. I'm serious." He added seeing the 'oh, he just dissed me' look on Szayel's face. "I'm gonna get one and use it because you really need to be hit over the head with the 21st century."

"Uh…huh…."

"Speaking of, Szayel" Nnoitra knew he would regret asking, "What year were you born anyway?"

"Me, or who was me?"

"Who was you or how ever the hell it works?"

Szayel glanced around the room and began to dance from one foot to the other, a large grin creeping onto his face. "Um… You sure you wanna hear, honey?"

"Yeah." Nnoitra picked up his walking stick by his chair, which had left a huge dent on the floor from use. "I do."

"Um… 1887?"

"Ahahahahaaaaa!" Aaroniero laughed, sitting up next to the piano where Telsa was trying not to crack up. "Hahaha…You're an old man! A should be dead man by-"

"Shut up!" Szayel yelled. "I don't want to go into this okay? Yeah, I'm… what should be 123 years-old, but guys… gentlemen… when I was alive, Women still couldn't vote in my country and the first expedition to the south pole was the talk of the day, okay? That's how frickin' old I am! So yeah, I am a little behind, so forgive me."

"Nah, forgive yourself for not allowing you to express your true self." Nnoitra gestured to Telsa who nodded. "We'll bring you to the 21st century Now, we begin. Music."

* * *

Author's Note: This chapter was inspired by SpottedMask77 Review that read (or part of it did):

_'Could Orihime possibly go on the Rockin' Roller Coaster(with Aerosmith!) and/or the Haunted Mansion Drop Tower? They're both actually pretty fun(if you enjoy falling 50 ft at random intervals and going on a rollercoaster that lasts all of 30 seconds). I don't know, I can see Orihime on them and Ichigo screaming, "NO! YOU CANNOT LIKE RIDES THAT ARE NOT GIRLY AND WEAK AND PATHETIC!" followed by Orihime flipping him off._  
_ Because it's going to happen._  
_ "What's this I have in my pocket...? OH LOOK a present for you Ichigo!" *le flipoff*'_

And that, my readers, is how this chapter was born!

I also think Mr. 1911 really needs a whack over the head or be shoved into the middle of a drag show. I don't know... I just hope that Mr. 1911 dies a quick death here because yeah, it is the 21st century! (Then why do some people still act like it's 1530?) Cheers!


	18. FREEDOM!

"Well…" Nelliel sighed heavily. "That went well. Telling Ikkaku everything, great…and I've been over here trying to talk my brothers into not killing you. Why? Because you aren't so bad."

Yylfordt looked way up at the ceiling of his new found room that happened to be a jail cell in a Riatsu eating building. "I'll say. Thanks for telling your brothers not to kill me."

"Think nothing of it. At least The Soul Reapers aren't gonna-"

"Don't say that!" Yylfordt wished he could reach Nelliel to cover her mouth, but she was in her own cell across the hallway. "They might actually do that!"

"And what's wrong with that?" The young girl asked, just wanting to make her friend upset. "You're already dead."

"Nelliel-sama, I don't really want to go to Hell right now… I'm hot enough as is." Yylfordt wished he could lean against the cool stone wall, but every time he did, he felt more of his riatsu disappear. "And you don't want to go either."

"We'd be friends at least." Nelliel laughed, not really caring what happened to her. Ichigo was gone, she was hungry and it wasn't like she was ever going to get a rematch with Nnoitra or win in a body like this. "And I don't see us escaping anytime soon."

"I don't really want to escape…" Yylfordt admitted, glancing to the cells around him which were filled with criminals who were all sleeping due to their riatsu being almost nonexistent. "Nor do I want to end up like them… But I don't really want to make any more people angry."

"I don't give a shit." Nelliel muttered, glancing out of her small window where her two brothers were sitting, trying their best not to panic or cry. "I just wanna return to my normal form and settle the scores on my tab."

"I suppose you are right…"

"I am always right." Nelliel replied, turning her nose up in the air. _And so is she._

_'Why thank you.'_ A sweet voice coo'd from the depths of her mind._ 'You are too kind, Oldelschwank. Now, shall we tell Yylfordt of us? Let alone our plan?'_

_No, no. I think it is best that he remain in the dark._

_'True. Talking too much is a family trait after all.'_

_And all is set in motion… all we have to do is wait until the sun sets, Nelliel._

_'And why is that?! I want to leave here now.'_

"Because Crabs only come out at night, if I am correct."

"What?" Yylfordt looked up hearing Nelliel talking to herself in a sly voice. "What did you say?"

"Nothing."

_'Thank goodness it is almost dark then.'_

The 16th Numeros sighed and went back to his dreams of the past. _Maybe Ikkaku is right… It was all of my fault and still is. No, no, Yylfordt, don't think like that! I am a good person, damn it! I just… I don't know what I did. I don't remember anything of who I was. Maybe he knew, I know he did… but why don't-_

Yylfordt was thrown against the metal bars as wall of his cell imploded.

"What the…" He slowly climbed to his feet and wiped the dust of his eyes to see- "Holy-what the hell are you two doing here?!"

"Saving you." The other Blonde Arancarr with purple eyeliner said with a smile. "Fellow Blondie."

"But, but…" Yylfordt stammered, his whole body reeling from the impact of the blast. "Findorr! Santa Teresa!"

"Yeah… He didn't come after us, thank who ever lives where ever." Findorr Calius yawned and fixed a piece of his own long blonde hair behind his left ear. "So, fellow blonde who I thought was my nice twin, way, way back when we met:What's up?'

Yylfordt rushed forwards and hugged his rescuer, too overcome with joy to explain.

"There there…" Findorr patted his twin on the back and glanced at Charlotte Chuhlhourne who was breaking Nelliel out of the pokey. "We'll get you out here."  
Nelliel walked over to the twin Arrancars and gave Findorr a small smile. "Thanks. Now, lets go before people notice."

"Good idea!" Charlotte picked up the little girl and put her on his shoulders. "And we can be super-sexy when we exit."

"I need my sword!" Yylfordt cried, suddenly realizing he was actually going to leave Soul Soceity and all of its backwards cultures. "I can't-' He glanced at Findorr who was smiling. "What?"

"We got it, bro."

Yylfordt's heart began to slow down. "Oh, thank goodness… and, you can call me bro. Because from you, it doesn't sound like a threat."

"Cool." Findorr turned to the large opening he and Charlotte had made with their Ceros (Or their, Beautiful Charlotte Chuhlhourne's Final Holy Wonderful Pretty Super Magnum Sexy Sexy Glamourous Cero(s)). "Let us leave now. Explain later."

Yylfordt nodded and was about to use soindo to leave his prison, when Findorr swept him right of the ground and into his arms. "Uh…" Yylfordt grinned at his Evil Twin. "Um… I don't really want a man, but thanks? You're handsome though."

Findorr laughed and gave Charlotte a look. "I am not a Prince Charming, Bro. I just thought you'd need help standing up since all of the other people here are so tired. And yeah, you're my Nice Twin, it would be wrong."

"Haha." Yylfordt loved his new friend so much. He and Findorr had only met a few times before now, but somehow Findorr seemed to be so nice to him. "Now, just promise me one thing before we leave."

"And what's that?"

"Don't beat me up."

"Deal." Findorr took a step and disappeared from the prison building along with Charlotte just as the 6th company security force came rushing up the steps.

* * *

"That was super close." Charlotte set Nelliel down on the ground of Garganta ten minutes later. "And we have to get out of here as soon as possible. No telling when something ugly is gonna sneak up on us."

"Agreed." Findorr glanced around the darkness, searching for any signs of any other hollows. "We have a few Menos in here with us and so, we should go back to the apartment."

"Apartment?" Yylfordt tried his best not to laugh. "Are you two the Super Sexy Couple?"

"No, no." Charlotte twittered, a blush coming to his face. "Findorr is far, far too ugly for my taste."

Yylfordt and his Evil Twin shared a look. Okay. So that's why…Typical Charlotte.

"Where is the apartment?" Nelliel asked from where she was sitting on a Super Sexy Shoulder, breaking a long silence.

"NYC." Charlotte danced down the walkway and were followed closely by Findorr and Nelliel's brothers who were on the look out for danger. "The most super-fab-hot-erotic-super-sexy-city in the world."

Yylfordt glanced up at Findorr who was busy walking. "I would hate to hear him tell us about his day."

"I do." Findorr replied, not sure how many times he had heard the word 'sexy' since last year. It was said so much, it lost its appeal. "And don't ask him about the weather."

"Will do, Bro."

"Good."

A while later, the crew stepped out onto the busy sidewalks of Times Square and Garganta closed behind them at Nelliel's command.

"And so, where is your apartment?" She asked the two Numeros who were so glad to be back in the human world where they could possibly belong.  
Charlotte fixed his beautiful-super-sexy hair and stepped out into the road.

A taxi came to a sudden screech.

Yylfordt and Nelliel shared a glance as Findorr opened the door.

After they were all piled inside, Pesche asked, "How can they see you?"

"Gigais." Findorr put his hand over Charlotte's mouth before he could say a very, very long title. "Got it from Urahara who has a shop in NYC. Everyone does. Though we are paying out the ass for these."

"Runs a hard bargain, does he?" Yylfordt laughed, only to get a pair of scowls from his two rescuers, making him shrink back in his seat. "Okay… he does. Sorry. And thanks for rescuing us."

"Think nothing of it." Charlotte said, winking at Nelliel who winked back. "Nel and I here, we went shopping one day way back when and my super-erotic purchase went over and I didn't have the cash. So, sweet Little Nel here, spotted the cash. Since then, I owed her a favor."

"And now we are even." Nelliel grinned and reached up from where she was sitting in the Arrancar's lap to hug him. "So, what's happened and where are Baraggan's other Fracciones?"

"Dead." Findorr said.

Nelliel raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Hey." Yylfordt leaned over to Findorr who was sitting by the left window of the cab next to him. "She's been outta the loop for years."

"I heard that!" Nelliel screamed, pleased the driver could not hear it.

"But it's true…" Yylfordt muttered and only got an angry frown back. "Anyhow, Findorr…how are you still here?"

"And how are you still here?" Findorr asked back, their eyes meeting. "I woke up to a commotion one day and I peek out my window and I see your brother doing the Macarena in his pajamas. And I knew that the only time I would ever see him do something so bazaar and celebratory, is if you keeled over dead. So, I figured you were a goner!"

"Me too!" Yylfordt confessed, not sure if he wanted to see Szayel do the Macarena in his pajamas, but again, he was curious to if his brother could actually dance. "I hid behind the fourth wall, over there- see the duct tape?- and I was saved! What about you, Findorr? Everyone else was eaten by a swarm of Gilligan at Little Town Battle!"

"I hate to say this." Yylfordt's Evil twin said. "I really do. I really, really, really do. Charlotte saved my life."

Yylfordt was floored. "Uh… what?"

"Yes. I said it. Charlotte saved my life."

"How?"

"It know it sounds-"

"How?!" Yylfordt screamed, making everyone in the car jump all the way to the ceiling. "How did Charlotte save you?!"

Once everyone double checked their hearing, Findorr let out a long sigh. "Well… It was the day of the big battle and Charlotte had a clothes crisis… and I don't know why, but he made him come help him find the right outfit. By the time we were done, Tia was on the throne and you were in a body cast, Yylfordt. We saw it on the way out. We decided to sneak away during the speech and see if any of our friends survived, but they didn't. And so, we planned to retake Heuco Mundo as we were Barragan's servants and he was our king. But, our campaign in the forest of Menos only ended with all of our representatives being blown way by Tia. And Azzero was going to go to the human world and recruit Hollows, but he hasn't come back yet."

"Uh…" Yylfordt grinned widely. "Uh… Azzero is dead and I would watch your tails, Santa Teresa may be after you. I mean, if I had known Froggy was on a mission for you two, I wouldn't have sent him to Szayel and Nnoitra for breakfast. I am so sorry! I keep messing up!"

"Nah, you don't, bro." Findorr patted him on the shoulder. "You didn't know. Anyhow, we've been camping out here and we want our rightful place."  
"And you really think you can beat Tia?" Yylfordt couldn't help but be a bit skeptical about Findorr and Charlotte's goals. "I don't-"

"We have Nelliel." Charlotte coo'd, hugging the young girl who laughed in surprise. "My sweet little sis! And she's stronger than Harribel. Take in mind Harribel the Horrible was her replacement after Non-Stick Man broke her mask."

"And when did I walk into a cooking store?" Yylfordt snickered.

"Welcome to Charlotte Land," Findorr announced as the taxi came to a stop in front of a small apartment building that was not a sham, but not quite a beauty. "Everyone off, ding, ding!"

Yylfordt climbed out of the taxi and bent down and kissed the ground. "Freedom."

* * *

Author's Note: I really wanted to have Findorr and Charlotte in the story and they just appeared now. Thank goodness my computer crashed or this would have never happened! Hehe.


	19. A Heart To Heart And Too Much Coffee

"So…" Yylfordt began after he washed his lips off on a paper towel of the small kitchen in Findorr and Charlotte's small two room apartment. (Two rooms meaning there was a living area, one bedroom and bath). "What is your plans now, you two?"

"Well…" Findorr set down his cup of coffee on the small dinning table where Nelliel was busy scarfing down a large plate of hollow. "We don't have any at the moment. All of them were blown away with Azzero. And we've been debating just trying to live out our days peacefully. Charlotte works down at the drag club and I work retail. Suckey job on my part, but we do have a small savings. And if we make enough, Nelliel, you and Ciricci can move in with us if you want."

"That's really nice of you." Yylfordt did his best to smile and make his voice sound normal. "But you two… I have some…sad news." He paused to take a deep breath. "Circci is dead."

Charlotte was at his side in a instant, and Yylfordt found his face being squashed into his bosom. "Oh my poor, poor dear! How horrible! Anything I can do?!"

"Ow…ow…" Yylfordt groaned, thankful for the sympathy. "But Charlotte… You are kinda… Yelling in my ear. And yes maybe."

Charlotte froze. He wasn't actually going to do something. "But what do you want?"

"Well…after Ciricci died, Szayel sent her head to me in a box and that box is still…in Soul Society."

"And you want us to go get it?" Findorr guessed, not wanting to press at any of the questions in his mind at this point.

"If… if you would…"

"We'll get it." Findorr gestured to Charlotte to let Yylfordt go, but the tall man just hugged the little cow tighter. "And let him go, Charlotte!"

"But, he's so sad!" He argued, nearly choking Yylfordt to death. "Can't you tell?"

"Yes. Seriously. Let him go." Findorr demanded.

"Uhmeme plehsaue meaifheuahh!" Yylfordt mumbled, just wanting to breath. "Imeah ea ouve cirjjfeahhh!"

Charlotte looked down at the cute little baby bull in his arms. "Aw…but he needs lots of love!"

"Umeneah I kwneane!" Yylfordt protested and finally gasped for air as Charlotte let go of him. "AHHHH….thank you. Phew… AIR! Charlotte, Findorr, thank you for your kindness and shelter, but I have a lot to do."

"Such as?" Findorr knew what he was thinking.

"Revenge…" Yylfordt glanced at Nelliel who gave him a thumbs up.

"Are you insane, my little hamburger?" Charlotte said, making Findorr wince; that name was as bad as his own nickname: Crab Rangoon.

"You want to fight your brother?!" The Violet Queen continued. "That's just-"

"Charlotte…" As much as Yylfordt loved Charlotte, he didn't understand. "I want to end this. We've been fighting for decades and Circci was the last straw. And yet… What right do I have?! Damn it! Life is so confusing and I…I have nothing left. So, yes… I am going to fight him and yes, I know I am going to lose… but I don't want to sit by any longer and let him torment me."

"So you're gonna just let him finally kill you then." Findorr summarized, seeing nothing more than someone who needed immediate mental help.

"I suppose." Yylfordt confessed, sitting down on the couch next to the windows looking out into the street. "Sorry."

"Don't say sorry." Findorr said. "We need to get you to talk to someone."

"About what?"

"It's obvious that Ciricci's death was the last straw, so we need to find a farmer with a whole bale of hay."

"And what do you mean?" Yylfordt wasn't sure he liked this idea, but listened anyway.

"Yylfordt." Findorr sighed and took another sip of coffee. "Come over here."

"Okay?" Yylfordt climbed off the couch and walked slowly over to Findorr. "What?"

The Crab picked up the New York Times and smacked his twin upside the head.

"Ow!"

"You needed that." Findorr set down the paper and continued to glare at his severely depressed counterpart. "And, you're in luck. I know someone you could talk to."

Yylfordt winced and rubbed his mask with one hand. "And who is that?"

"Us."

"You're kidding me. I am not-" Findorr picked up his weapon and Yylfordt backed away. "Okay… okay… you win! Don't hit me with the newspaper!"

"Good." Came the reply. "And so, why don't you and I go out for a walk and Nelliel can stay here and chit-chat with Charlotte?"

Yylfordt shrugged and went back to window watching as Findorr smiled and downed the rest of his coffee in one gulp. "Shall we go?"

"I guess…" Yylfordt glanced at Nelliel who was already busy talking to Charlotte about his new wardrobe and where they should go shopping in New York City.

Once the two near identical 'twins' were out of the apartment and walking down the busy sidewalk, Findorr said, "Tell me everything."

Yylfordt made a face. "Everything? No, no, Not everything."

"But you have to." The other blonde insisted. "You can't keep it all to yourself. And I know what happened in Soul Society thanks to Nelliel's letter. And for that, I am sorry. I had a soul reapers friend once myself, but she decided to turn on me as well."

"Really?" Yylfordt was sure he was hearing wrong. "Who?"

"Katamina Senchi. About my age. Dead now, but we met one day and we just became friends. It didn't matter to her I was a Hollow, she thought I was a swell guy. Then one day, she flipped on me and attacked. I guess they brainwash people in Kido School."

"Maybe." Yylfordt cracked a small smile that soon disappeared. "And I… I guess you'd understand my story much better. Ikkaku has a good heart and I am so glad he does, it's just me who is problem."

"Nah, you're not a problem, bro. Just… different. A good different and at least you aren't as crazy as your little evil twit of a brother."

"True."

"I swear…" A large scowl appeared on Findorr's face as he spoke. "One day, I was just walking down the hallway, just minding my own business and Szayel appeared out of nowhere and glued my hand to the wall. I think he was doing some kind of experiment with glue, but even my Majesty, Barragan could not unstick me from the wall. It was days later that I finally was removed. But yes, Szayel really just does things… out of the blue sometimes. Anyhow, he's evil, we know that. So, Yylfordt, tell all will you so I can help you?"

"You really want to do that, do you?"

"Yes. Don't make me hit you again. My hand hurts a lot more than a newspaper."

"I can believe that." Yylfordt said and continued to tell his story, beginning from as early as he could remember to the present moment. Findorr listened, drank some more coffee he bought from a cafe, ate two hot dogs from a corner stand, browsed through the library, drank some more coffee and finally sat down on a bench next to the entrance to the fifth-street subway where no one would notice he were talking to a ghost.

"Neat story, my dear." Findorr took the last bite of his lemon bar he picked up on sixth-street. "Troubling, but we are all troubled for we are hollows. Now, what I want to say before I give you advice, sorry about Ciricci. I never had any romance in my current life, so I don't really know what it's like to be in love, but I know it must hurt like hell. Anyhow, onward. I think… I think that you and Szayel just need to be shut in a room and forced to talk to one another. I don't know his side of the story and so that makes it hard to come to an exact solution, but I know that you two need to talk."

Yylfordt doubled over with laughter. The idea was just too funny. "Really, Findorr. You think we should just talk? After all this?! After he destroyed my life and-"

"Yeah." The Former Fraccion said. "I do. Now, do you know any of Szayel's side of the story?"

"Not…really…" Yylfordt began to pace next to the bench, just wanting to punch this idiot in the shell for suggesting such a stupid idea. "He just tells me I killed him by shoving him down the steps or something stupid."

Findorr raised an eyebrow. "Really? Can people actually die from falling down the steps?"

"I…I guess so? I mean, I can see a kid dying, but not a full grown man! It is rather ridiculous."

"Or maybe not…" Findorr changed his mind seeing one of the people heading down the steps to the subway nearly fall down the cement stairs. "Depending on what stairs they are, I guess. Anyhow, know anything else?"

Yylfordt shook his head. "Nothing. I told you everything I know."

"Okay. So. We should go find more. Do you remember your name?"

"No clue. Wish I did."

"Does Szayel remember his name? You two grew up together and so, maybe he knows."

"But how the hell are we going to ask?" Yylfordt was not going to walk up to his brother and go, 'hey, by chance do you know your old name so I can clear my own and figure out this mystery?'.

"We don't ask him, stupid." Findorr hit his bro over the head with the magazine he bought at the bookstore hours ago. "We ask Nnoitra and I sure he won't refuse. From what I've heard from Telsa, he's rather fed up with your twos battle of pointless drama."

"It's not pointless!" Yylfordt screamed, making Findorr wince.

"Yeah, yeah… You don't have to yell. But, I'm gonna call Nnoitra."

"What?! You are going to call the guy who might be out to kill you?! That's frickin' insane!"

"Maybe. "Findorr cared to agree, "But I think he won't mind waiting to chop our heads off once he hears my plans." He grinned at his friend who was staring at him as he pulled out his phone. "And did you know that Nnoitra has a computer?"

"What?!" Yylfordt's reality was shattered.

"Yes. He does, he almost never uses it, but I can call him over the internet and leave him a message."

"Don't do-"

Findorr put his hand out and stopped Yylfordt mid-charge. "Calm down. See. It's easy." He pressed a button and put the device to his ear. "Voicemail…or wait a min-"

"What are you doing calling me, Krabby Patty?" Nnoitra asked on the other end, being on his computer for once in his life to do some research on something he forgot as Solitaire proved to be a formidable enemy. "And why the hell are you doing that after you ratted to my lunch the other day?"

"Sorry." Findorr stated so plainly Nnoitra was shocked. "It's complicated."

"I'm… sure it was." Nnoitra glanced out his window to see Szayel outside lecturing the Terror Twins on something or other. "Anyhow, make it quick as I have a feeling you don't want your call to be known."

"Yes. Right." Findorr let go of Yylfordt who finally stopped trying to attack him and handed the 16th Numeros his cup of coffee to hold. "Simple plot. I'm here with Yylfordt and after hearing his side of the story, I think you and I, Nnoitra-sama, need to force the two to talk."

"Yeah…I totally agree. I told Szayel that he shouldn't send Ciricci's head to his brother, but he wouldn't listen. Anyhow, I understand, Findorr-san."

"Nice… -san. What got you to say that of all people?"

"Findorr. You were Barrgan's Fraccion." Nnoitra said. "I was forced to use a form of Honorfic. But now I don't have to, but I was being as respectful as I can as it's not everyday that I will get to duct tape Szayel to his stupid brother-"

"HEY!" Yylfordt cried, hearing Nnoitra say this. "What do you-"

Findorr's hand went over his mouth. "I know what you mean. Now, I am in search of Szayel's side of the story."

"Cool. I would love to tell you, but I don't really get it… It's…messed up. I try my best, but I really don't know what to say besides, 'I'm sorry, honey?' I really try to stay on his side…but sometimes I don't know how to call it."

"Yeah." Findorr agreed. "I'll try my best to stay on Yylfordt's side for him and any idea if you can summarize your husband's side?"

"Just a sec…" Nnoitra sat back on his bed and tried to gather his thoughts over the sounds of Szayel and the Terror Twins having an screaming match outside. "Um… got it. Yylfordt pushed him down the steps and Szayel wants to do his best to make his brother's life a living hell. And that is as much as I know."

"Ooo… okay… then I know more than you and I don't even have to kiss Yylfordt."

"Haha." Nnoitra snickered. "You can't kiss, you look almost like twins, Findorr."

"I know. Anyhow. Any ideas how we can dig up more information? Do you-"

"Oh!" Nnoitra yelled, suddenly. "I just remembered something! Szayel said after he was pushed down the steps, he was poisoned and I think that's what did him in."

"That makes sense. Yylfordt and I here were wondering how the hell someone dies falling down the steps. And do you know with what?"

"I don't really… but Szayel seems to not mind being around a large variety of chemicals, Formaldehyde, Bromine, Cyanide, you name it."

"Odd." Findorr muttered. "If I were poisoned, I would want to stay far away from anything of the like."

"I know." Nnoitra glanced out the window and sighed. The Terror Twins really shouldn't have made Szayel so upset… By the time he was done with them, they would be missing more organs than a repeat on 'Too Bad For The Loser'. "I would run away from anything that caused my death. But I guess Szayel likes to torture himself or something."

"Wouldn't be surprised. Anything he doesn't like?"

"Nothing really. I've even caught him smoking a pipe once. And that was odd, but kinda cute. But nothing out of the ordinary besides he doesn't drink."

"Interesting."

"What do you mean?"

"From Yylfordt's story, these two oddities are from 1911, before people know that drinking or smoking was bad. So, why wouldn't Szayel have a drink every once and a while?"

Nnoitra paused and reached a hand out and pulled down the duct tape over the fourth wall to his left. "Hey kids, don't drink or smoke! You'll die with ugly teeth and guts that the coroner doesn't want touch to shove in a trash bag. Thanks. This has been a PSA." With that, he fixed the tape and turned his attention back to Findorr who nodded in agreement.

"Nice announcer voice." He noted.

"Thanks." Nnoitra said back. "Worked at a Radio Station in Scotland for a while. So, yeah… now that you say that, I've never seen Szayel touch a drop of any kind of drink. Not even for a cold. Which is good for him, but when Grimmjow, who drinks too much for his own good sometimes, tried to insist, Szayel joking said he was allergic or some kind of shit like that."

"Oh.. You are good…" Findorr laughed. "We are on to something… and you don't mind me asking more, do you?'

"No. I want this stupid lame ass drama to end. I'm here."

"Cool. Yylfordt, don't even think of dumping that on my he-"

Nnoitra laughed.

Findorr frowned and watched coffee drip off the ends of his blonde hair onto his nice pants. "Yylfordt… sit in the corner. I mean it. Anyhow… that kinda burned… now, Nnoitra. I am wondering where we should meet for the talk."

"Somewhere they-oh… my… frickin' what ever-nevermind! This is just going to be evil…and…I really love Szayel… and I hope he doesn't ditch me after or for this… but, they had a house. A house in London. They have to meet there as it all began there."

"Love it. But how do you know it's still standing?"

"Don't know. You should look it up. I went there once, but I don't recall the address."

"Will do. And by chance, do you know if Szayel knows his original name?"

"Yeah… I do." Nnoitra sighed, wishing he wouldn't have to tell, but it was for a good cause. "It was Alair. Alair Grants I think. With a ts. Not a z. That was something he changed later."

"Score… and do you know Yylfordt's?"

"I know I know it… Szayel has said it once or twice…I'll call you back later with it if I remember. Anything else?"

"Yes. How do we keep these two from killing one another from across the room?'

"Duct tape." Nnoitra replied. "It worked to keep me bound to a chair to make dinner. And trust me, I tried everything to escape, but not only does it holds you, but it binds Ritasu. The Ultimate Tape."

"Great idea, but how do we get these two in it?"

"Use force. You're stronger than Yylfordt. And I will talk to Szayel because he has a right to know he's going to be forced to talk with his brother."

"True. Now, where can we get more information on the story from…" Findorr grinned widely all of a sudden. "I'm going to look up that house and if it's still there… we're taking a trip over the pond. Call you when I learn more. Thanks for co-operating and not killing me."

"I think Tia would rather have this stupid 100 year-old fight over with than roasted crab on a stick. Bye."

"Thanks. Talk to you later." Findorr ended the call and smiled up at Yylfordt who was staring down at him in horror. "And that, my dear, is how the cookie crumbles. Now, to the library!"

* * *

"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET ME TO TALK TO THAT EVIL SON OF A-"

Findorr grabbed Yylfordt and tightly covered his mouth."Shh! We're in the New York City Public Library!"

"IDON'TENEANGEGIVEFEHIA!"

"Yylfordt. Shut. Up." Findorr whispered in his ear. "You two need to talk and we are going to make you talk. Don't resist because I am ten times more powerful than you are and won't hesitate to break the rest of your mask right here. Right now."

The Numeros stopped struggling. "You wouldn't do that…"

Findorr gave his friend a glare.

"Okay." Yylfordt re-evaluated the situation. "Okay… You would. Now, please let go of me."

"Promise not to make a fuss?"

"Yes?"

"Promise not to run away screaming. Or scream?"

"…Fine."

"And don't disappear. You stay with me."

"Okay."

"Good." Findorr let him go and the two crept out of the reference section, of the Manhattan Branch, hoping the librarians were too busy trying to calm screaming children to hear the commotion. "Now, this way. Upstairs to genealogy section which might give us information on you and Szayel. And if we don't find anything there, we head to the Micro-paper section where they have old newspapers on film to read."

"But where do we start?" Yylfordt grouched, slouching and slumping up the steps like a little kid in trouble.

"1911, naturally. And the obituary section would be the best bet."

"But I didn't die in 1911…" Yylfordt complained, following Findorr through the rows of books and people to the newspaper readers. "And why are we going to the news papers first?"

"Because, as I was walking up here, I realize there are going to be 8,346,983 Grants in the world and so, I thought I should narrow my search as much as possible by going straight for…" Findorr searched the shelves for year and pulled out six boxes of film reels, "The London Times. 1911, January 1st to the February 28th. As it was not a leap year. Now to the reading machine."


	20. This Chapter Does Not Have A Clever Name

Three hours later, Yylfordt was almost asleep in his chair where he listened to Findorr read news, one 'click' at a time. One 'click' per page…

'_Click.'_

'_Click.'_

'_Click.'_

'_Click.'_

'_Click.' _

"_Yylfordt!" _A voice woke him with a start.

"What?!" The Arrancar sat up in his chair. "I had a horrible…oh… damn… it wasn't a dream…"

"No." Findorr turned to look at him, smile on his face. "I am afraid it wasn't. I woke you to tell you I actually found something. It's really insane, this newspaper thing… but, listen to this:"

"Are you sure I want to?" Yylfordt yawned and began to put his hair back in place.

"Yes." Findorr was so excited, he couldn't help but dance from one foot to the other. "You want to. This is a gem. And you know what?"

"What?" Yylfordt stared at his friend with tired eyes.

"You wrote this! You're a-"

"Wrote what?"

"This… just listen already, damn it!" Findorr grouched and began to read off the computer screen in front of him. "Okay. December 2nd 1911. 'Alair Grants, 24, passed away the night before after what the Coroner ruled as an 'unfortunate drunken accident' and unfortunate was indeed as he was a beloved brother. My beloved brother and I shall forever miss him.' And this is amazing! This, right here, is your name!"

Yylfordt leapt out his chair and rushed over to the screen. "Forever miss him, Alair's bereaved brother, Ceion. That's… weird… I wrote that piece of shit?"

Findorr choked on his smuggled coffee. "Ahhack! What? This was beautiful!"

"It was well written, but I don't buy it." Yylfordt said, hitting his friend on the back repeatedly to save him from suffocating. "Beloved my foot. I think there is more to this than is written here."

"Sure there is." Findorr coughed a few more times before saying, "because who wants the world to know his brother was in incurable drunk? No wonder Szayel doesn't hit the booze."

"Yeah… that suddenly makes sense."

"But what else I want to know is, why it doesn't say anything about poison here."

"Maybe I didn't want to mention it."

"Nah. I think you would have because you already slandered your brother's name by making him look like a drunk idiot." Finodrr pointed out, his mind trying to figure this out. "And so, we are missing something big here. Now, I suggest we print this out and go research alcohol in…1911."

"You sure?" Yylfordt stammered, not wanting his friend to dig up any more dirt on him that he had no idea existed. "I mean, we know I killed him. Isn't that enough?"

"I wanna know how. And don't worry, I won't hate you for it either. We all do stupid thing-oh… damn, damn!"

"What?!" Yylfordt cried, hoping the newspaper didn't say something like, 'I miss my dear brother so much I cry all the time' "What is it?!"

"I didn't get the connection! How could I have missed it!" Findorr held up the printed copy for Yylfordt to read along with him. "'My beloved brother… da, da, da, and may he rest in peace with our parents, Daughtry and his beloved wife, Tilly."

"And?" Yylfordt was so glad they were dead for who would want to live with names like that.

Findorr set the print out on the end table next to the chair that Yylfordt had been sitting in. "This says that your parents were dead at this time and so, that might give us another clue or something. I just know they play a part."

"Yeah… yeah…." Yylfordt muttered. "Make me in to a serial killer, will you?"

"Oops, too late!" Findorr laughed and ran off to get newspapers a good five years back and Yylfordt sat down in his chair to nap. "I think I hate him…"

"_AND I was right!" _

"Shhh!" Yylfordt hushed him. "We're in a library!"

Findorr blushed a little. "Oops. Sorry."

"Okay." Yylfordt slowly climbed out his chair where he had been curled up like a kitty cat, sleeping. "Ow… ow… stiff…pain…"

"Sorry." Findorr didn't know it would take him another five hours to find what he wanted. "But I have some good news and so some bad news."

"I don't like how you announce any news."

"Whatever." Findorr moved aside from the screen so Yylfordt could read with him. "Good news, I found your obituary too. By going ahead in time by 8 years. Isn't that strange?"

"Strange how?" Yylfordt did want to really read what someone had to say about him after he died.

"8." Findorr repeated, setting the print out on the keyboard. "Your brother's rank in the Espada was the 4th for the longest time. Then he was kicked out and you know the rest of the story. He came back and was the 8th. So, lucky number for him? Dividends of 4?"

"I have no idea. You read too many Numerology Books, Findorr."

"True. Now, this is your obituary written by a… Daniel Willcox. Ring a bell?"

"Nope." Yylfordt wished he remembered. "I don't recall anything of my past that I haven't been told. Hollowfication wiped my mind pretty cleanly."

"Mine somewhat as well. Anyhow, let's read shall we?"

"Awe… I don't want to-"

"You have to hear it, Yylfordt. It's interesting and does give me a few leads. Or so I like to believe. It says here: Ceion Grants, 35. Wow, you lived a long life for this time era. It's like you were 101 years old!"

"Thanks?" Yylfordt wasn't sure how to take this diss/compliment. "Read on…"

"Ceion was a dear friend of mine since we were young and was the best friend a gentleman could be aquatinted with. He was also a faithful husband to his wife, Evalyn and caring father to his two children, Susie and Alexander of whom joined him in the welcoming arms of Heaven. Rest in peace, your dearest friend, Daniel Willcox. Damn, he was a good writer and…oh no… I shouldn't have read that…."

"Like hell you should have!" Yylfordt yelled, slumping into his napping chair to cry. "I…I didn't want to remember…"

"Oh." Findorr nodded, understanding the situation. "So that is what happened."

"Yeah. I don't know why…I was so confused."

"It happens to all of us." The Evil Twin said, flipping through the his pages of print offs. "I have done some things I wish I could forget. But we can't. So, the best way to deal with the pain we have in our hearts, is to accept it. And I don't think you have wanted to accept your actions."

"What father would want to?!"

"Someone like me. And I honestly think I win the, 'Boo-Hoo, Sad Dad' contest.'"

Yylfordt looked up at his friend who was clouded by the tears in his eyes. "Really?"

"Like you, I don't like to talk about it." Findorr said with a sigh and sat down on the end table next to the chair. "But I will, so you understand you aren't alone. My king turned me into a hollow and at the time, I was just a normal human. Had a life. Wife, child on the way. And when I was changed, the madness took over me as well and I have learned to forgive myself. And you should too."

"It… it will take time. Thanks."

"So, now that we have that over with," Findorr stood up and walked over to the viewing machine, "Let's look up your parent's death notes."

"Okay…" Yylfordt sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. It was going to take another-

"Found it."

"Five minutes. What does it say?"

"Oh… interesting…" Findorr coo'd at the screen. "Your brother wrote this one…maybe you were too torn up or something this time. It reads: Daughtry Grants, 40! Wow! History just got turned on end here. And his wife, Tilly, 38 were two parents with their hearts in the right place who raised two gentlemen. The loving pair sadly passed away of the Cholera Epidemic in the night and we are forever heartbroken, their loving sons, Alair and Ceion Grants."

"I smell more than fish." Yylfordt stated, knowing he was surely the one who had the talent for writing. "Because, doesn't Cholera take time and, hey! We weren't poor! We lived in a manor! And if you notice, Szayel only mentioned their hearts being in the right place…I don't know where the hell their heads were."

"Exactly!" Findorr would not have noticed anything if he wasn't looking for something. "And now the question is-"

"Which one of us killed them." Yylfordt finished, not liking the idea that he murdered his own parents, but it was already a done deed. "I could have been me because I am sure I could con Szayel into writing this for me while I locked myself in my room to laugh my head off. But then again, it could go the other way… He could have killed them and I was actually upset… I don't know."

"Or it could have been a joint effort…" Findorr hated to suggest it, but these two brothers were a little more than just dangerous. Even as humans. "You could have agreed to split the inheritance-"

"Wait!" Yylfordt cried, too happy for the subject. "Szayel told me once I killed him for his money. He must have gotten the money! But…why did I live in the house. I swear I did…"

"Maybe he got the money and you got the house."

"Makes sense. But why would we want to kill mom and dad?" Yylfordt continued. "I am assuming they were old or dying and so, we could have just taken over the household and taken control of the finances. Now it makes no sense…"

Findorr picked up his smuggled coffee and finished it off. "Maybe it's time to call Nnoitra again…"

"And what would he know that we don't?" Yylfordt was sure Szayel was far too reserved for his own good.

"Well, he is the closest person to your brother and who knows, maybe Szayel liked to have heart to heart chats?"

"I Doubt it…hand over the cards."

"Nah. Don't want to." Findorr pulled out his phone and paused. "Shoot. In a library. Anyhow, let's go research Alcohol on the internet." He cleaned up the boxes of film and set them on a cart to be re-shelved and headed over to a computer. "And…here we are. It says, according to Wikipedia, there are a few kinds of-oh… Menthol Alcohol, also known as Wood Alcohol said to be deadly. Let's click that."

"Let's not…" Yylfordt muttered, watching over his friend's shoulder. "I don't really want to know."

"Ah…" Findorr smiled happily at the screen. "Now that makes un-canny sense."

"What does?"

"Listen. Wood Alcohol is deadly in even small doses and causes damage to the optic nerves! No wonder Szayel wears glasses! It was always an wonder to me, but now it makes sense. And…oh…takes a few days to die. No wonder he hates you."

"Uh… huh…" Yylfordt didn't really like his criminal record so far. "Now why did I just stab him to death if I wanted him dead so badly?"

"Donno. But it seems like you got away with it as you weren't in prison."

"Cool."

"Not funny, Yylfordt." Findorr scolded, "It's not cool what you did. Even if you did get away with it. Thanks to you, no one in Heuco Mundo got any sleep for a good 50 years, damn you."

"Sorry."

"Don't bother apologizing now. But we have to call Nnoitra now and make sure my hunches are right." Findorr grabbed Yylfordt's arm and dragged him out of the library and onto the main staircase outside. "We call now. You sit here."

"Fine…" Yylfordt sighed again and sat down on the steps to keep an eye out for something that might attack. "I'll sit here."

Findorr called up Nnoitra who was thankfully winning his 10 games of Solitaire.

"What's up?" The Second Espada asked, just wishing that Szayel would come back inside and stop yelling at the Terror Twins who were now horrified by their Espada who destroyed half their vital organs.

"Well, we found out a whole, whole bunch." Findorr told him, leaning on the stone pillar to his left. "I'll make it short. I guess Yylfordt pushed Szayel down the steps and poisoned him with Wood Alcohol. Or so I think as it damages the optic nerves. Now, I am wondering, are Szayel's glasses prescription?"

"Uh…what?"

"Well," Findorr grinned and continued to explain his hunch. "If they are, it will prove that his eyes were damaged by the poison."

"Ah…makes sense now."

"I know. Aren't I good?"

"Yeah. I'll give you that." Nnoitra muttered, trying to think back. "And… I think…I actually think they are. I'll have to check next time I see him, which will be in a while as Szayel is busy smashing organs."

"Ah, someone make him upset?"

"Yeah. The Terror Twins. Long story." Nnoitra said. "Now, do you have any more news for me?"

"Nothing. Gotta go find the house and we need to really see if Alair left any journals or anything inside that give his side. Szayel is good, but he's version is surely twisted a bit more than it was. And so is Yylfordt's. Now, do you know who murdered the parents?"

"No clue. Could be either." Nnoitra confessed, not sure how he was going to keep the twins from murdering Szayel as he just broke his promise not to eat or attack them. But what was going to say to an angry butterfly?

"How sad." Findorr grouched, jut wanting to have this all solved. "Call you back later."

"Don't bother calling, I'll call you. Szayel's coming back. Bye."

"Bye." Findorr hung up and stared down at Yylfordt. "Any idea where in London you lived?"

"Not really… I think we were near the river…it all look the-I'd have to be there to get you there." Yylfordt knew his feet would lead him home the moment he stepped into the streets of his beloved city. "And I don't really-"

"We're going." Findorr announced and called up Charlotte who was busy shopping with Nelliel in Sax's. "Hey, Char."

"Yes, super-sexy?" Charlotte asked, picking up his phone as it rang.

"I'll let that slide. Anyhow, can I use some of our savings to take Yylfordt to London. It's a long-"

"You promised to tell me everything!"

"Yes, Charlotte. Brace yourself." Findorr stepped on Yylfordt's hand to keep him in pain so he couldn't protest. "Here is the story and why we need the money."

"Why can't you just take off your Gigai?" Charlotte asked after listening to the whole story. "I promised Nelliel I would take her to Urahara's shop to see if we can make her all grown up again! She has a great plan, you know! One of which I never drea-"

"It is too far to use Soindo all the way there. We are not Barragan-sama. I am sure he could have done it."

"Yes, yes… fine… " Charlotte agreed. "But bring me back a present."

"Cool. Thanks. You are the best, Char." Findorr hung up and grinned down at Yylfordt who was once again horror-struck. "Yeah, I had to tell him and now, we go to the airport." He peeled Yylfordt's hand off the cement steps and led him down to the street to catch a taxi.

* * *

Author's note: Yes. It is so going to happen. And yes, Life of a Caterpillar is going to change slightly and it shall be revised in the next month-ish. Thanks for reading!


	21. The Silence Contest

"And you get to sit next to the emergency exit for the flight." Findorr whispered to Yylfordt as he sat down on the airplane an hour and half later. "Got it?"

"Got it…" Yylfordt grouched, curling up on the floor by the exit the best he could. "And how long is this flight?"

"7 hours and 30 minutes. Not long." Findorr was so glad that he had worked as many hours as he could at a retro clothes shop this past year or he wouldn't have been able to buy this $1,200 dollar ticket. And that was just from his own income. Charlotte on the other hand made a good 5,000 a week at the drag club. So the two were pretty well off. "Sit back and relax…"

Yylfordt frowned and stole the Sky Mall Magazine out of the seat in front of Findorr. "I'm reading this. Talk to you in eight hours."

* * *

"I hope the twins aren't too upset with me tomorrow." Szayel muttered, closing the door of Nnoitra's small room after he stepped inside. "Sometimes I truly have no idea why I do the things I do. But that's okay. So, how was your day?"

"It was fine." Nnoitra replied from where he was sitting on his bed, finishing the last volume of Hellsing. "Not mu-"

"Well, my day was crazy." Szayel continued, walking over to the window to stare at the dark sky beyond. "The twins would shut the hell up about how I was treating them so cruelly and how Aizen treated them like some kind of dad or something frickin' insane. So I guess I got a bit mad. But their organs will be replaced later tonight as I have a few laying around my lab. Anyhow, I thankfully found out that in fact I am still more powerful than they are. Sure I have a few scratches, but they will be fine. So, how is your book?"

"It's-"

"I already finished the manga last night and I have to say it is a very touching ending if you think about it. And- (Complete Spoilers For Hellsing are Censored), and I really liked it. I am really tired and so I am going to go right to bed after I take a shower, it's so sandy out there."

Szayel turned and headed to the shower, leaving Nnoitra sitting on his bed, in shock.

No! That isn't how Hellsing is to end! And… and… Szayel just spoiled all of the story!

"I hate you!" Nnoitra screamed, slamming his manga book shut. "And yeah, My day was great until you spoiled the end of my favorite manga since Battle Royale! AHHHH! Szayel! Get out here! I have to talk to you now!"

The bathroom door opened and Szayel peeped out from inside. "Whatcha want? The water's running right now because it's shower day! Which is amazing! But it's not very hot and I want to make sure-"

"Szayel. Never spoil any manga I read."

"Okay. I won't do it anymore. But you see, I really just wanted to-"

"And." Nnoitra added, "Tomorrow I am taking you on a trip to talk with your brother. You two need to speak to one another and settle all of-"

The door shut with a slam.

Nnoitra sighed and opened the boring and useless pages of Hellsing. He figured it was worth reading what he already knew. _And I'll talk to him after he's out of the shower in a few… _

Sure enough, the water was shut off by Tia five minutes later from where she was monitoring the water usage and time. All of the Arrancars were given a bi-weekly five minute shower since Aaroniero picked up the drinking water which was holding up quite well.

Nnoitra let Szayel sit down on the side of the bed wrapped in a towel and begin to dry his pink hair off before saying, "Szayel, I was saying before that I am going to take you to talk with your brother tomorrow. You two need to just be locked in a room and force to talk and are you listening to me?'

Szayel said nothing and continued to work on his dripping hair.

"It's not going to work." Nnoitra reached out and gently shook Szayel who continued to ignore him. "Giving the silent treatment isn't the way to go because if you like or not, I am taking you to London tomorrow."

Szayel shrugged and opened his nightstand drawer full of papers and pulled out a purple lipstick and a mirror.

"So, you aren't even going to talk to me?" Nnoitra asked, not sure why in the world his husband had the sudden urge to put on makeup. "I am on your side, I always will be. I want you to know that. Now, is there anything you want me to know before I make you talk to Yylfordt?"

Szayel rolled the tube of lipstick back down and after putting the cap on, tossed it in the drawer. "Good night." He laid down on the bed and closed his eyes, his hand reached up and turned out the light. Leaving Nnoitra once again in the dark and defeated by Szayel's talent of ignoring people.


	22. SkyMall Saves Lives Too!

"And here we are…" Findorr announced with a yawn, having taken a nap durrning the flight. Leaving Yylfordt to read all of the magazines and safety instructions 10 times each. "And now, we got off the plane and rejoice. And," he added, helping Yylfordt off the floor when no one was really paying attention. "Welcome home."

"Welcome home my foot." Yylfordt frowned, waiting for all the passengers to exit the aircraft so he and Findorr could leave without detection. "I died in this city. I am not happy to be here."

"Oh come on…" Findorr elbowed him gently. "It will be fun. We can take a cab and maybe get some curly wurlys and go house hunting."

"Uh… Huh…" Yylfordt crept down the aisle and out to the crowed airport gate with Findorr right behind him. "Yeah… Lots of fun."

"Now, we need to find your house."

"Yeah, let's do that before I sneak back on the plane and leave you here."

Findorr grabbed his arm and dragged him over to the phones to call a cab. "You are staying here. Is that clear?"

"Yeah…" Yylfordt sighed and frowned. So much had changed in London since he was last here. "And did this used to be a train station, or is it my imagination?'

"No clue." Findorr scanned the numbers and soon had someone on the phone. "And yes, the airport. Thanks. Ten minutes, chap? Thanks. And now we have a cab. This way please, hesitant Brit."

"That's not very nice…" Yylfordt tried his best to keep up with his Evil Twin, but he was walking to fast. "But, yeah… thanks. Now what do you plan to do? Drive around for-"

"No, no. You sit in the cab and tell me the address. I am sure it will pop in your head. The average human uses its address many times a day actually and so, it should still be in your mind. Hollows are not as plain as Soul Reapers think they are. They have memories, form, and their heart isn't gone, it is just the soul's appearance and personality as a hollow."

"Um.. Okay… So, deep, deep down, my bro was actually evil?" Yylfordt summed up.

"Yeah. And what ever the human's deepest desires of the heart are, they come to life when they are hollowfied. It's like if you turned someone inside out." Findorr dragged his friend out of the automatic sliding doors to the transportation area. "And how I know all of this, Charlotte and I got to talking one day about our pasts and he was a married man who would sneak out to dress in drag. You get the picture. Anyhow, what our hearts truly wish for, come to life. So you, Yylfordt may have just wanted to settle down and have some time alone because you are so damn calm all the time. But you actually have a lot of pent up anger as I've noticed. Do you know how much you've screamed at me in the past ten hours?"

"Let's see…" Yylfordt held up his hands. "Oh. _Twenty-five times! And would you stop talking all the damn time, chatterbox?!"_

"Ah…" Findorr sighed happily. "I will have the thank the airline. These earplugs really work…"

"AHHH!"

"What?" Findorr asked. "Anyhow, as I was saying, maybe that will help you understand why all of the Espadas are nuts and have Aspects of Death. From what I know, they have more feelings than you and I and damn, we have a whole buncha crazy feelings in our hearts and that's why they broke in the first place and we became hollows. But the Espadas' Aspect of Death are more a constant and always there thing. Like my Majesty always felt like an old man and Grimmjow must always have the urge to destroy everything. Now that would be such a pain! I am so glad I had Barragan-sama as my master… I don't think I could have put up with anyone else. Maybe talk more to Nelliel when we get back to the States."

"Uh..huh…" Yylfordt agreed. "I would like to seem someone be my Bro's Fraccion. I don't really think he's insane though…. And that kinda confuses me as isn't his aspect, 'Madness'?"

Findorr walked over to the black cab that pulled up and opened the back door. "In ya go. And scoot over a little. Thanks. Anyhow, tell the man where we are going."

The cab driver gave the lone passenger a look. This blonde was talking to air, but it had been a long day…

Yylfordt glanced at the driver and then at Findorr. "Um… 3892 Vine Ivy Street."

"Aha!" Findorr cried and repeated the address to the driver who took off after double checking there really was just one person in the cab.

Findorr leaned back in his seat and glanced out the window before continuing. "So anyhow, the interesting thing about hollows is that their original soul can stay with them for quite a long time if they survive Evolution. Charlotte still has part of his tucked away somewhere and it talks to him and it's really strange. And he told me that he keeps remembering things from time to time, leading me to think the longer that the orignal soul is there, the more we remember. So, yours must have been destroyed when you were first created and Szayel's lingered a bit longer."

Yylfordt stared out the window. He wished he remembered the scenery. "That makes sense. And I…I shouldn't have come here. It's like all of these…memories are right at the edge of my mind, but I can't collect them. And I know I never will… and.. It's scary."

"It will be over soon. I had the same feeling when I visited Sweden last year. Anyhow, yeah. Your brother is just weird. Not insane. Tia isn't gonna jump off a cliff anytime soon. Emo-face is a bore and even Nnoitra isn't some kind of despairing shriveling heap, he's just cranky all the time."

"Agreed." Yylfordt glanced at the fourth wall where the tape was beginning to peel. "Don't you think we should do a 'don't jump off a cliff PSA?'"

"I guess." Findorr pulled out a pen and Sky Mall and wrote a note with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline '(800) 273-TALK (8255)' on the back. "And here is a real life number that should be used by those in need of an ear. Not a last skydive." He opened the fourth wall and tossed the magazine out into the world beyo-OW! You hit my head!

Must go get ice.

Back Soon,

Aceidia

P.s. That's a real number. Please use it. We love you. I love you.

P.s.s. Here are a few others written on the Magazine:

_The Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender National Help Center:_ _Toll-free 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)_

_And these:_

_Child Help USA National Child Abuse Hotline_

_(800) 422-4453_

_National Domestic Violence Hotline_

_(800) 799-7233_

_Or_

_National Domestic Violence/Child Abuse/Sexual Abuse_

_(800) 799-7233_

_National Institute on Drug Abuse Hotline_

_(800) 662-4357_

_AIDS Hotline_

_(800) FOR-AIDS_

_I guess SkyMall saves lives or a plane trip to London is really long and boring. I think both. So, why don't you call someone to talk to?_


	23. Yeah, Sure, Let's Go Swimming

Oh… okay. I'm back. Not too much swelling. Where were we? Yes. Findorr, the cab, London.

Onward:

"I can't believe what I'm looking at." Findorr exclaimed, staring up at the old, rundown victorian manor standing before him. The poor thing was rather neglected and the ivy had gone insane on the front of the house and the poor 'For Sale' was rotting.

"And I can't believe someone was gonna sell this!" Yylfordt cried, suddenly feeling attachment to the old place. "This is mine! Do you hear that?! Mine!"

Findorr grabbed his friend by the shoulders. "Calm down. It obviously didn't sell. Don't know why. But who would want to live in a house that had countless murders on the record?"

"I do!" Yylfordt's hand shot in the air. "I do! It's mine! No one touches it! Do you hear me?!"

"No." Findorr marched through the over grown garden to the front door. "No one can. Except me….now come unlock the door…"

Yylfordt looked at him like he was crazy. "What? Unlock? Do you think I have the keys or something?"

"You own this place…"

"Did. Still do. Don't have the….Oh…. Hehehe…. This is real… no. I wouldn't have had the key buried with me. Um…" Yylfordt closed his eyes. _Where would I hide a key? Somewhere….um… _"I have it!"

Findorr glanced his way. "You do?"

"Yes! Come around back here. I don't know how I know, I just do and, yeah. Jump the fence. And you're a crab, right?'

Findor nodded hesitantly. "Yes, why?"

"Because…" Yylfordt hiked thorough the neglected English garden to a small over grown corner. "The key… the key is in the pond. At the bottom and you see I put it there because anyone who wanted into the house or let a lone know where the key was, would have to be desperate to get it. Course I am sure I never told anyone where it was, so they wouldn't think of a pond anyway.

Findorr marched over to his friend and stared in to the large, old, mucky algae ridden pond. "I wish it didn't rain so much in England…"

"You getting in?" Yylfordt inquired, pointing to the pond.

Findorr backed away. "No way…this is your own trap, Spring it yourself."

"Fin, my dear…. I don't know how to swim. I'm a land animal."

Findorr glanced at Yylfordt and frowned. "Damn you."

"Exactly. Now, get in the pond."

"You owe me big time…" Findorr bent down and took off his shoes and proceeded to remove all of his clothes down to his skivvies. Just as he was about to dip his toe in the pond, his clothes rack spoke. "Um, Findorr, I don't suggest getting your undies wet."

"What are you expecting me to do?!" The man who now lived up to his name yelled at the evil man full of bullshit. "Go skinny dipping in your old, mucky…okay… You're right. I didn't pack anything. I should take them off."

"Exactly." Yylfordt held out his left pinky for the extra garment. "Now, get in."

"Okay I-AHH! It's fuckin, frickin ass cold!"

Yylfordt smiled down at Findorr who was now up to his neck in the pond. "Hehe. I hope the bobbies don't find you in there au naturel! It would be really funny to run away with your clothes now, but I'm too nice."

'You wouldn't dare!" Findorr yelled, just wanting OUT of the pond to shove Yylfordt IN the pond. "Or I am gonna-"

"Just get the key."

"And where would that be?"

"Somewhere on the bottom."

Findorr sucked in a deep, deep breath. "Yylfordt… you mean I have to go all the way under?"

Yylfordt nodded, not trying to hide his grin in the least.

"Oh… You were right… Someone would have to be desperate. And I… I am starting to think that breaking a window is a better way to-"

"Get the key." Yylfordt demanded. "I won't let you break a window in my house and, you are already in there and if you don't do it, I will shove you under."

"You wouldn't dare…"

"My younger brother is Szayelaporro, a creepy sadist. People say it's genetic. Do you want to push your luck with me?"

Findorr glanced up and sighed. There was nothing else he could do. He was already in the ice cold pond. Yylfordt was holding all of his warm and dry clothes. "…Fine… I will get… the key… Fine…"

"That's what I like to hear." Yylfordt replied, pleased he didn't have to toss the clothes in the pond.

"I really hate you…" Findorr took a deep breath and slid under the water.

"See?" Yylfordt pointed out twenty minutes later. "It wasn't that bad."

"That bad?!" Findorr yelled in his ear. "I'm covered in gunk and mud and other shit!"

"I know. Here. Your shoes and socks. And I am so glad you found the key! And oh, look at this." Yylfordt grabbed the key out of the Crab's hand. "It has my name on it. Hehe. It's mine. And you just helped me get it back."

"And you will pay me back." Findorr ordered, taking a moment to stomp on a unaware foot. "Or I will toss you in the pond and leave you to die."

"Fine. I will pay you back. What do you want?"

"You have to get me my coffee everyday and you are my servant for the next three…oh… wait minute…" Findorr hid a grin as his problem was suddenly solved in his mind. "Yylfordt. Promise me you do anything I say for… a week."

Yylfordt raised an eyebrow. "A week. Anything?"

Findorr nodded.

"Um… On one condition."

"And what is that?" The Crab asked, hoping it was what he thought it was.

"I'm not gonna kiss you or anything…"

_Damn am I good at predicting what he's thinking. _"Yes, Yylfordt. You won't have to kiss me or anything, promise. Now, agree."

"Okay. I agree to do anything you say for a week." Yylfordt half-heartedly agreed, not know what he just got himself into. "And here we are in my house."

Findorr walked through the open back door and gasped. This old place was so beautiful… dusty, run-down, but it was beautiful. "Wow… We should fix this place up."

"Maybe we should." Yylfordt reached a hand up and brushed some of the cobwebs off the cherrywood doorframe leading into the sitting room. "It would look really pretty."

"We have a week." Findorr pointed out. "We go back in 7 days. So we can try to fix this place up."

"Ahh… I like that idea." Yylfordt smiled and sat down on the dusty floor of the empty sitting room. "So, what do you think? Like my house?"

"Love your house." Findorr almost said it was worth getting in the pond, but kept the thought to himself. "And here…" He glanced at the dinning room across from the sitting room before glancing upwards. "Are the all famed steps of death. Damn… that's a steep set to fall down."

"Yeah…" Yylfordt made his way over to the steps and placed his hand on the base of handrail. "It is. So, I suppose it's this set and not one in the back…"

"We came through the backdoor. There are no other steps in the whole house."

"You're right, Findorr. Let's go up them.

"Ah!" Findorr grabbed his twin by the arm just as he was about to rush up them. "Careful! People have died on this stairway!"

The two shared a look and burst out laughing.

After slowly making their way up the steps, they found themselves in a long hallway with doors at either end and several on either side.

Yylfordt paused. "Findorr. Where do we start?"

He shrugged. "Any door. Why don't we just go to the left and make our way to the right?"

"Sounds good."

With that, the two set off down left side of the hallway where they found an old study at the end. The windows were covered in grime and the desk was beginning to rot, but Yylfordt smiled. "Ah… my old workspace."

Findorr paused. "This? This little room was your office? What the hell did you do that could fit in this…tiny room?"

"I don't…" Yylfordt walked over and moved the chair out of the way so he could reach the yellowing papers. "These…" He picked up another and began to tap his foot. "Have… chemical formulas on it… "

"Are you sure this is your room?" Findorr automatically questioned.

"Yeah…" Yylfordt turned the papers sideways and nodded. "It was… these have my name on them."

"But… Szayel's the scientist."

"Maybe he wasn't…" Yylfordt set down the papers in his hands and began to dig through the others. "These all have my name on them and this looks just like my own handwriting."

"Weird… On to the next rooms."

Next they found a bathroom, another bedroom which Yylfordt figured was a guest room for what ever kind of guest would want to come spend a weekend with Szayel or himself.

"I know a few." Findorr offered, a smile creeping onto his face. "Fangirls who-"

Yylfordt slapped his twin across the face. "Very funny. Not. Next room."

"Hahaha…You're so touchy today!" Findorr continued to laugh he shut the bedroom door and made his way down the hallway to the next one which was on the right. "And here we are… a children's room. With peeling flower wall pap-" He raced over to the far cover by the window ledge as something caught his eye. He got down on his knees by the window and pulled up a lose floorboard much to Yylfordt's surprise.

"What is it?" He asked, racing over to Findorr who was peering down into the space below the floor.

His twin looked up at him with a look of amazement on his face. "I don't…believe it."

"Believe what?"

Findorr reached into the floor and pulled a sightly rotting, yellow paged leather journal. "Haha. And who does this belong to." He stood and after putting the floor back into place, opened up the treasure. "Oh, Yylfordt…"

"'Oh Yylfordt' what?"

"This is definitely not yours."

"And then, who does it belong too?!"

"This is good.." Findorr snickered, so pleased what his keen observation of the room led him to.

"What's good?! Who is-"

"This makes almost no sense come a few pages, but…"

"WHO?!" Yylfordt screamed, making Findorr nearly hit the ceiling.

Once the shock was over, Findorr fixed his frazzled hair and smiled. "It's Szayel's. Let's read because Barragan knows that it's so much damn fun to read your brother's private thoughts."

"Um…" Yylfordt hated to say this, "I think… I think if he did that, he'd kill me."

"Oh, too late. He already wants to, so let's sit on the steps and read already!" With this, Findorr dashed out of the Children's room with Yylfordt right behind him. They were gonna read. They were gonna read the journal that was so secret, it was hidden under a floorboard.

* * *

Author's note: I think Ceion read too many Grimm Fairy Tales or I have. I don't know. But putting a key in the pond just seems like something he'd do. XD


End file.
